March 2012
Hi Allicat, Some days I really start to question what our lives are all about. You begin to have a very different perspective on life.
The thing is you have changed but no one else has. This is why I feel alone with my thoughts as my view of everything is so different now from friends and family.
It is good to hear other people feel like me. I often wonder what I have learned from this cancer experience, but I seem to be making the same mistakes again. We lead such busy lives, with work, friends, families etc. I sometimes want to go and live on a deserted island where everyone will leave me alone.
It sounds so anti social but I don't want this hussle bussle of life anymore.
In the real world though, life continues and there is no avoiding being involved in all of it!!
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March 2012
Hi I also went to a couple of different counsellors and found they all had a different approach. A friend who is a psychologist said if you feel unsatisfied and you feel you are going around in circles you can go to a different therapist.
I think one of the problems is firstly finding someone local, then you have to establish a rapport, go through all your history etc.
It is all quite time consuming and frustrating, because we need support. I think it is important to feel understood and never feel embarassed about anything. If you feel this way with this person maybe she/he is not tapping into what you are saying.
It is so difficult at times as we really need someone to talk to who really can try to understand where we are coiming from.
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March 2012
Hi , I have had a very busy and emotionally draining week and I have just logged on to my computer. It was so nice to hear from other people who felt like me.
Harker, commented on having Multiple Myeloma as well, and said the stem cells had been harvested. The actual transplant is nothing more than having these stem cells transfused back in. The main issue is that they have to reduce your immune system to zero and try to rid your body of any trace of the cancer with a very strong chemo.
The whole process is quite amazing, but to build your strength both emotinally and physically is an enormous task.Some days I feel strong but lately I have been feeling very vulnerable.
I suppose the problem is when you have to work, for financial reasons. Sometimes the work can be positive, socially for your mind etc. But lately, in my work there has been an enormous overhaul and I am finding that my brain does not function like it used to.It is times like this that everything becomes tooo much and I feel I can not cope.
There really is no solution and it can be very frustrating, people then don't care that you had cancer treatment. You are well enough on the surface, so they expect results.
Sometimes I wish I could just throw it all in and stop being such a hero!1
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March 2012
Hi everyone,
I haven't been on line for a while. I was trying to pretend my life was back to normal. I had a stem cell transplant in 2010,pretty awful treatment for Multiple Myeloma. I took a few months off work, then returned to work in 2011. I managed quite well and noticed family and friends rallied around.
What I am now noticing, is everyone thinks I am completely back to normal.I still suffer from terrble fatigue and I feel the experience has scarred me emotionally. I have increased my working hrs from last year and am feeling quite overwhelmed by everything.
I think because I look sort of how I did before the transplant everyone thinks I am back to normal.I know I am not who I used to be, it is a very difficult place to be in as everyone expects so much from me. I am finding this point, post transplant to be the most difficult and I am feeling very alone with these feelings.
Did anyone else have a similar experience?
Rachel C
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May 2011
I agree with you about feeling like your life is in limbo, I have been living with smouldering Myeloma for the past 3 years and last year I had a stem cell transplant. This diagnosis and subsequent treatment threw our lives into turmoil. We had planned once our children had finished school we would do some things for ourselves, travel etc. I had to take five months off work during treatment and recovery and now I cannot be immunised until October, so all our plans are also in limbo. We have been taking short breaks instead, going to lovely coastal B and B's, travelling to Sydney to visit friends and staying in acccomodation instead of with relatives. This may be how it will have to be for the moment, finding enjoyment in different ways. The little things in life become so much more important.
I always felt sorry that my husband and children had to take this awful journey me but I was so thankful they were there to support me. Your husband really appreciates all your love and support and Europe will be there when he recovers. My best wishes to you both, try to stay strong Rachel C
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April 2011
Hi Ally3 I think when you have a cancer diagnosis or cancer treatment you become more vulnerable to things that previously you wouldn't have worried about.I am not sure about the age your student is but I am also a teacher and have found my strength in dealing with situations has greatly diminished. Sometimes I also feel very overwhelmed and at these times it is almost a sign to slow down, don't be so hard on yourself and regroup. When you said others can't cope I have also experienced this, with friends running the other way rather then having to deal with my situation. You cannot control this as a lot of people cannot deal with confronting issues but as you said this is not your problem but theirs. I wonder how I would have reacted to a friend or someone close having cancer. We have been through it but for others it is very scary and their own mortality is questioned.
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April 2011
Hi I was very nervous about returning to work as I did not tell anyone, apart from close work associates, that I was going for cancer treatment.I started only in Feb this year with a wig, some said my hair looked nice,a bit different then I quickly changed the conversation. Just a couple of weeks ago I went in with my new very short hairstyle, no wig. Everyone commented again, and I was really nervous about their reactions. Once again I said I felt like a change and changed the subject. Nobody asked me any questions about my changing hairstyles, and I believe they would have suspected cancer, but they all respected my privacy.
Only one person said,it has grown back really well. Now nobody mentions it anymore and it is the new me. I am still the same person but with a very different hairstyle.
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April 2011
Hi Mandy,I know what you mean about teenage sons. I think they find our situation very confronting and they are probably very anxious about their mum's being sick. I try to pass the buck to my husband as I get very stressed with the all the issues. It is almost too much too handle. Whereas I have found my daughter to be quite mature and able to handle the situation better.
Maybe being on our own helps us to think things thru and then we can slowly heal.
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April 2011
Thanks Samex,I worry about my future and I almost feel an urgency to do the things I want in life It is good to be back at work. I used to work 4 days a week and at the moment I am working 3 days a week. I lost my hair after the chemo and stem cell transplant and returned to work with a wig. Just last week i went to work with my very short new hairstyle. The new me is new in every respect. When I look in the mirror I see a very different person.
I too have become a lot quieter almost not wanting to draw attention to myself, I don't know if this is good or bad.
I think after this experience we become more introspective and begin to see things very differently to other people.
Rachel
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April 2011
Hi Mandy,You are so right about feeling different about things. I also feel different about certain people. Things that would not normally have worried me seem to affect me differently. I also see how fragile and precious life is and hope I can get to a place where I don't worry as much about my future. Maybe this will take time and patience, things I have to learn about.
I am looking forward to growing into my new life.
Thanks, Rachel
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