I am so sorry for your loss, it really is a horrible horrible disease.
I lost my father in May, the day after my birthday to Esophogus cancer after a 9 month diagnosis. He too died at age 57. He died in my arms of what I believe was a massive heart attack, it wasn't peaceful and he was in pain. I think you go into shock afterwards but like you I never thought I would experience such a thing. 57 is such a young age too, very hard to accept. My parents had been together for 41 years and would have been married for 40 years in December. I struggle and cry a lot but I make sure that I talk about it as much as I can. I am quite a closed person to my friends and try and soldier on. If you can manage to go out walking or something that you used to enjoy. I try and fill my time as much as possible but also give myself time out to rest. Sometimes short naps help in the day and each morning I do 20 deep breaths in bed before I get up. I work just two days a week which is enough to keep me busy, I don't want to go in but it helps. I have spoken to lots of people and discovered that everyone has their story which helps.
One thing I can say for you is that you were with your father and how proud he would have been of you trying to help him that way. I know if anything ever happened to me I would hate the thought of anyone I love being too sad, I would want the to live life and be happy. You deserve happiness after what you have been through and I do understand completely. Please see your doctor as they can help you, you need to reach out to people. I am happy to talk to you and help if I can. Take care for now x
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Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.