Hi JN I am so sorry for your loss, it really is a horrible horrible disease. I lost my father in May, the day after my birthday to Esophogus cancer after a 9 month diagnosis. He too died at age 57. He died in my arms of what I believe was a massive heart attack, it wasn't peaceful and he was in pain. I think you go into shock afterwards but like you I never thought I would experience such a thing. 57 is such a young age too, very hard to accept. My parents had been together for 41 years and would have been married for 40 years in December. I struggle and cry a lot but I make sure that I talk about it as much as I can. I am quite a closed person to my friends and try and soldier on. If you can manage to go out walking or something that you used to enjoy. I try and fill my time as much as possible but also give myself time out to rest. Sometimes short naps help in the day and each morning I do 20 deep breaths in bed before I get up. I work just two days a week which is enough to keep me busy, I don't want to go in but it helps. I have spoken to lots of people and discovered that everyone has their story which helps. One thing I can say for you is that you were with your father and how proud he would have been of you trying to help him that way. I know if anything ever happened to me I would hate the thought of anyone I love being too sad, I would want the to live life and be happy. You deserve happiness after what you have been through and I do understand completely. Please see your doctor as they can help you, you need to reach out to people. I am happy to talk to you and help if I can. Take care for now x ... View more