Hi Phil,    Happy New Year! I hope you’re well. I’ve been away for quite sometime and I wanted to thank you very much for your last message to me. Thank you for giving me a different perspective...apologies for not replying sooner.   My best friend and I are doing well now...Since I last posted Ive come to realise many things about myself..... and in this process I knew needed to change my thinking and my focus. Going through this cancer journey has awakened me and made me feel more present than I ever did in my whole life. I now understand that the fears and anger I was so carefully trying to disguise was finding ways to lash out. It wasn’t about her, it was all about me. She was only doing her best to care for me, love me and she was scared as well.   I’ll continue to do my best to understand others around me and how this affects them. thank you again for your kind words and understanding.  Tarari x       ... View more

 I’m sorry for your loss...I don’t know what it is to lose a brother but I understand what you mean about not being able to talk to friends and family etc. I was the same.  It may sound strange but when my grandmother past away, (the closest person to me in my life) the only person I could talk to was her. I told her how much pain I was in, how Lonely I felt, how angry I was that she left me......everything I wanted her to know. I knew she was listening. I’d also decided that I would never be scared of death, because I knew that when my time came she would be there waiting for me. As an 18 year old at the time, I didn’t know if it was normal to feel this way but I did. I talk to her all the time and I don’t think about the sickness and pain she suffered at the end, I remember always the warmth of her embrace, how she loved me and cherish all the beautiful memories I have of her. I visit her grave and talk to her there too, ask her for guidance etc. I know she’s always with me. She passed away more than 20 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday. This is just a little story about a woman I loved who raised me from birth. I hope my story can help you in some way deal with what you’re going through.  Stay strong, you will find your own way to get through this and you will get through x   ... View more

Captain Australi, I know exactly what you’re talking about.    I don’t really know how else to say this but, you’re absolutely right! About so many things.   I have been that person you describe...all my life. Easily manipulated, easily used, easily hurt....I do have a soft nature and  ....Yes! With the biggest ass-hats you can find (I know I allowed them and that behaviour in) ......The thing is...now I’m changed...Cancer changed me.    I’m evolving into the person who was always there but was too scared to be.   Yes I can make new friends (even if I’m also lazy and have only kept a few very close ones who unfortunately are ass-hats too). I can empower myself and continue to learn.  I’ll always be a lover not a fighter but I don’t want to waste more time, years pleasing everyone else.   I need to be true to myself, and real about what I want in my life. I need to let go of the past. This is definitely about learning!!!   As hard as it gets, I’m not gonna give up on myself. I owe it to myself to respect and love my life. There’s so much I want to do, and so much I have to offer that even as I write this, I feel the plates of my life like past,present, future shifting into place beneath me...the grand design.   captain Australi, thank you for reminding me that ass-hats come and go and that I have the choice. XoX    P.s I appreciate Granny’s advice, but I won’t write a letter. I ‘m not that great at writing them, and even if I did draw up a good one, I highly doubt they would appreciate it.       ... View more

Thank you for your understanding and advice Granny, I will do my best Xo Thank you for your beautiful message xx  I know that it’s not easy for other people, they do struggle and have to deal with stuff in their own way as well as their own issues. Since I made that post another close friend of mine, suddenly turned on me after having what I thought was a good night out full of laughs...I didn’t expect from her at all. She told me I was negative, didn’t respect her and told me “it isn’t always about you!”. I was completely stunned, because it was like she snapped...I know a..holes.. and I’m not one of them...I’ve not asked anything from anyone this whole fkn time! I just don’t get it, maybe I never will...how can they expect me to offer them more sympathy, acknowledgment and recognition, whatever it is they want from me...than I can give while going though this... You’re right Granny, I don’t need this stress but it makes me sad to know that these people are my closest’ friends and I just can’t believe it’s gone this way.  I’m back at work full time, I can’t afford not to be and I’m trying to stay strong and focused. I’m determined to get through this and live whatever time I have in this life happy and to the fullest. ... View more

Firstly...WOW! thank you so much for your reply.    You've definitely given me some great ideas and I appreciate your perspective more than you know   You're right it does take two to argue and I'm tired of that. This situation/relationship is not the most important thing in my life, but it is definitely holding me down. if I can resolve this or at least get past this (even if it means the relationship ends).....it'll take a whole lotta stress off my shoulders and help me through this recovery... help us both get through.   I agree with you 100% on this :  (And in my experience the person who tries to reconcile and resolve an argument always wins hands down, even if a relationship ends, they were the bigger person, made the sacrifice of their pride, and tried to solve whatever problem was on the table)   I'm going to have that conversation with her.....wish me luck. I'll do my best to reconcile and resolve whatever happens.    Thank you CaptainAustrali for your kind and understanding words 🙂 ... View more