About mel741

mel741

I have known for months now that Mum's cancer was terminal. Despite immense pain, she made it to my wedding on 21 March (just before the government restricted weddings to only 5 people). It seems as though she used every once of willpower she had to get there. The doctors believe she is very close to death now and we have admitted her to a private palliative care facility. They are doing a brilliant job at managing her pain, but the restrictions imposed by the government feel extreme. We've been told that she is only allowed 1 visitor per day for a maximum of 2 hours. That means we get to choose whether it is me, my Dad, my sister or Mum's brother who gets to spend time with her each day. Even if we rotate, that means I get to spend 2 hours with her once every 4 days. We've been told they will relax those rules when they believe she is in her last 24 hours. Until then I'm just sitting at home desperately wanting to be with my mum in her final days. She's alone for 22 hours a day. None of this feels right We're planning to bring her back home so at least the family can be around her. I completely understand the public health need for the COVID-19 restrictions. I just wanted a space to vent and express how cold and unfeeling it feels. I'm 27 and overcome with grief at the prospect of a life without my mum and all I want to do is be with her. Yet these damned rules prevent that. I am sure many others are struggling with the limitations we face at this time. I'm thinking of you all. This SUCKS!

mel741

Kase, I'm not sure what advice I can give because I'm not sure that I'm coping with my Mum's terminal cancer very well. But I did just want to say that you are doing a fabulous job and have every right to feel overwhelmed. The horrible part of cancer is that it can be a long and exhausting journey. Giving so much of yourself is a beautiful way to support your parents, but it's impossible to sustain over the long term without impacting you, your health and your life. My mum has had cancer on and off for 4.5 years. During that time I have spent countless hours at hospital with her, doing various things for her, generally caring for her (and my dad). I'm getting married in 2 weeks and that has consumed my life recently. We planned it at short notice to maximize chances of mum being there. In the midst of that I'm working and generally trying to maintain the life of a normal 27 year old. Today my Dad told me that I'm not spending enough time with Mum and his comment broke me. I guess I'm saying all of this to both you and to myself. As caregivers, we can only give and do so much. We still have our own lives to lead. It sounds like you have been the absolute rock for your family, and now it's time to prioritize yourself for a bit. Let your sister help a little more if she can. Find out what services you could connect your parents with. Anything to remove some of the caring burden from yourself. Hearing my personal rant may not be what you need, but I hope it helps to know that someone else understands where you are at. And for the record, you're doing amazingly.

mel741

I'm 27 and meant to be getting married soon on 21 March. I really hoped it would never come to this but.. it doesn't look like Mum will be able to make my wedding and I'm not sure what to do. She first got diagnosed with bowel cancer 4 years ago. It's been a rollercoaster of recurrences ever since then, with brief glimmers of hope in between where we thought she may have beaten it. My fiancée and I intentionally planned a short engagement, hoping to get married before her cancer progressed any further. Unfortunately it was not short enough. She is now terminal, with the latest metastases spreading to the liver and spine. Her doctors can't give me any indication of whether it's realistic to even think about her attending the wedding because she's about to start a final round of chemo, with the aim of slowing the cancer's spread. Understandably they want to see how that goes before they can give any further advice. My fiancée and I are keen to have a smaller ceremony ASAP so that Mum can be there. But she is determined that she'll be at the March wedding. I feel like this is unlikely, given how rapidly things have been deteriorating for her (and the fact the wedding is 1.5 hours away from where she lives). I understand our wedding is giving her something to look forward to and a reason to keep on pushing, but I want to have a Plan B in my mind so that I'm not completely devastated if it turns out she can't make it. What should I do? I feel so helpless following the "wait and see" advice that everyone is giving me. Is there something tangible I can do? Has anyone been in this boat? Thanks so much. Day 1 of me being in this community and I already feel so much less alone.

mel741

Hi Carol I only just saw your post but I could have written the exact same thing a week ago. I felt so helpless. My Mum is 67 and has a terminal diagnosis for bowel cancer. She was in agonizing pain (could hardly focus on a conversation because the pain was too intense) until we contacted the palliative care team. They arranged for MUCH stronger pain relief, which has made an immense difference. From your latest post it sounds like the sedative has helped things, but if things change then I recommend you keep asking her medical team what else can be done. I wish we'd pushed harder to get her better pain medication earlier. I really hope her doctors can get her pain under control so she's more comfortable. Sending love your way

mel741

Hi Lauren Your post really hit a nerve with me. I'm also 27 and recently found out that Mum's bowel cancer is now terminal. I was 22 when she was first diagnosed. Since then she has gone through years of surgeries and chemo treatments. After each one, we crossed our fingers that it was the end of the cancer. I was so ANGRY every time it returned and had spread somewhere else. There's so many things she will miss - like grandchildren. I feel like we've been robbed of the time we should have had. I don't have any real advice about how to get through this because I haven't figured that out for myself. I just wanted to say that you're not alone. This is excruciatingly painful. Please give yourself time and space to allow all of the emotions to process. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to cope the "right way" or do the "right things" to support her. There is no "right" action at times like these. Just spend time together as a family. Take videos so that you have her voice on film (I wish we did this earlier), talk about old memories and treasure the times you do have. I hope this is helpful somehow... I felt really alone when Mum was first diagnosed and I don't want you to feel the same way. We're here

COVID-19 restrictions in palliative care

Re: How to cope?

How do I plan my wedding when Mum is terminally il...

Re: How do you deal with their constant pain?

Re: Dealing with terminal cancer of a parent

Connect

More information

Join the community

Want to join the discussion?