Hi Jamie, I can’t imagine trying to teach a class room of people of any age right now. It sounds like the students and your co-workers are very understanding and willing to help, directly related to whom you are. Visiting with friends sounds like it will be good thing. I understand the overwhelming emotions that seem to come up at any given moment. Just today I was taking my cat to the vet, and just started getting so sad, and then tears started coming. I think it just shows how much our wives meant to us. Bob ... View more

Oh my gosh anger, I am not a person who gets angry. I normally just deal with whatever and work towards solving the problem. Last week after talking to my brother, I became so angry that I could not stand it. It seems the prostate cancer that I knew he had, had spread into his bones. I really didn’t understand why I was so angry though he still has a good chance getting through it. Again today on my way home from work I got angry again, but this time there was not a situation to blame it on, other than I guess difficulty dealing with the loss of Eileen. Fortunately when I got home I found my cat chasing a wasp in the kitchen, must have come in the doggie door. I grabbed my cat and put him in another room, after about 20 minutes I got the wasp out. And that took care of the anger today. So I guess I still have a lot to work through. Sleeping is still a problem, and I am still sleeping in a recliner. I gave up on the TV and started playing the old Ghostbusters movies over and over, I think I can recite most of the scrip now. I used to draw years ago and started drawing a little again, just roses. I would draw Eileen pictures for her birthday and anniversary or sometimes just because. I remember one year I was working 12 hour days a lot and had not had a chance to get Eileen something for her birthday. I got home after working second shift and she was asleep so I stayed up most of the night drawing her a picture. She was happier with that drawing than anything I could have bought her. So I’ve started drawing things for her again even though she will never see them. ... View more

Hi Emma My wife Eileen was diagnoses with colon cancer in October 2017. Her treatment started the next week. Everybody took the news differently, some refused to believe it and others jumped in and wanted to know what they could do to help. The most helpful people were our daughter and Eileen’s mom. My mom also offered to help, but we told her we were ok, my mom had her own health problems to deal with, and in the beginning I could take care of everything. Eileen came up with a rule for holiday dinners; no one was allowed to talk about cancer. She wanted to have a nice day and talking about cancer was not a nice subject, and no not everyone would follow the rule. Our daughter saw a psychologist for a while to give her some one to voice her complaints too, besides me. I thought about seeing one myself but decided there was nothing they could say that would make it go away. Although Eileen’s mom was very helpful she was sure we were doing everything wrong, we weren’t taking any of her advice on certain fruits and vegetable drinks that other people claimed cured them. I had told Eileen several times over the years to just do what she thought was best, because she is the one with cancer not us. If she wanted to talk about cancer we would and if she didn't we did not. She and myself took each holiday, birthday, and anniversary as it was her last. Although Eileen was one of those people who did not like doctors she did mostly everything they told her to do. Her original diagnoses was inoperable stage four colon cancer and the doctor told her that with treatment maybe two years. She passed away after four years and eight months, still not enough time. I too came to this site looking for help, and found some really nice people here. Take care Emma ... View more

Hi Guys, it’s been a long week for me. I had always sent Eileen a text when I took lunch and if she was up she would call me, which was most of the time. So the first two weeks back at work I was really busy, now things have settled down, so during lunch I notice I don’t have Eileen to talk to anymore about my day. So instead I relive her last day thinking what could have been done differently, which is good for bring up the tears. Friday I went for a walk during lunch, I used to do that every day but stopped last year sometime, don’t remember why. I still ran over everything in my head but it did not seem as bad. Today I am headed out to order a new fuel pump for my bike, last one went bad, I think it was the bad gas in the tank. I am glad you’ve gotten to ride your Spyder Michael, Eileen too would want me to ride my bike again, she knew how much I enjoyed it. When we were dating I rode a motorcycle most of the time. One day she asked me to teach her to ride it, at that time I had a 1979 Kawasaki 1000 she knew how to ride small trail bikes but never ridden anything that big. A few days later she drove my bike from my house to hers only about 15 miles, but in the LA area that’s treacherous. She never did it again but I thought it was really cool. Jamie, I am grateful I don’t relive the events, for me it would be Tuesday, instead when the 7th of July came I was ok until I realized what the date was. Eileen passed June 7th at 4 AM, she was hooked up to a heart monitor and when it went to zero I was so shocked I did not know what to do. It makes me cry just thinking about it now. I think I am spending most of my time trying to stay so busy that I don’t think about her dying, then I feel guilty because it seems like I am trying to forget. We were actually married for 37 years and 7 months, and dated about 2 years before getting married. She is younger than me and always told me I was going to go first because I was older and a man. I figured even if she was wrong, her family lived into their 90’s I would be so old I wouldn’t last long anyway. Take care guys. Bob ... View more

Thank you Linda, I am grateful I found this website. Reading what Michael and Jamie are saying is really helpful too. The other night I dreamed that I was talking with Eileen, when I woke up I knew it was a dream, but it was nice to talk with her again. The dream made me feel better for a few days, but reality slowly came back. Tonight I was going to make something to eat, chili dogs with cheese and onions. Eileen would complain she didn’t want that then eat half of mine. After all that came back I couldn’t do it so I went out and got a pizza instead. Eileen slept in a hospital bed we had set up in the living room, and I slept in the den or the recliner next to her. I had left the bed how it was when she went to the hospital, and I sleep in the recliner now. Can’t bring myself to go and sleep in the bed. Her ashes are on a shelf in the living room so I can talk to her. The car still has her wheelchair in the trunk and her hospital bag in the back seat. Although I have been making changes all of her stuff is as it was when she went to the hospital. Before the cancer came into our lives we did everything together, as long as she was with me it did not matter how long it took to get anywhere or do anything because we were together, now I just don’t have any purpose. Before I met Eileen I did all sorts of stuff, riding my motorcycle, dirt bike riding, water skiing, backpacking, but it was all empty it was just taking up time. With Eileen it was much more enjoyable to just sit around and talk or watch TV together. Before Eileen passed away I figured I would just retire after she passed, I had no idea I was going to be so lonely. Michael, going back to work was not too bad some of the people I work with told me there were sorry about my wife passing away and others didn’t say anything, the first day was the roughest. The hardest part was going home afterwards, when I came into the house she was not there to say hi too or talk with. Each day did get a little easier, but I still miss her so very much. Bob ... View more

Hi Michael and Jamie What you both describe is how I feel too. We were told my wife had 4 or 5 months, she passed 28 days later on June 7th. Monday July 4th was Independence day, my wife’s favorite holiday. There is a small parade in the city I live in, I attempted to go but could see myself standing there by myself and couldn’t do it. Where I work we operate 24/7 so I volunteered to help fill in on second shift to avoid being home during the fireworks displays. I’ll try again next year, I guess. We had planned to be together, and now I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am glad I found this website, it seems to help to write things down. I’ve got a motorcycle I have not ridden since my wife got sick, I am going to get it running and maybe go for a ride, that was always my escape when life got hard, maybe it will help. You all take care. ... View more

I recently lost my wife to colon cancer; she did not have an advance directive. When the doctor asked me what her wishes were I told him what she wanted, he also asked my wife and she said the same thing, although he was not confident she could make a clear decision. But I was her husband and she was also refusing to wear an oxygen mask. It would be easier on you if he does fill one out, or in case you are not there to voice his wishes. I found this webpage https://www.health.gov.au/health-topics/palliative-care/planning-your-palliative-care/advance-care-directive ... View more

I am so sorry for your loss. Those are the words people tell you trying to help. I also lost my wife, a little over three weeks ago, we were married for 38 years. We had already bought our retirement home in the mountains, (California) and making plans to buy a bigger place to fix up and eventually live in.  A short time after buying the cabin my wife started having all sorts of problems, it took the doctors about two years to figure it out. She had cancer, by the time the cancer was found her diagnosis was “inoperable advanced stage 4 colon cancer” it had already spread to her liver and she had so many tumors they could not count them all. The doctor said maybe 2 years with treatment.  My wife is a stubborn person and lived for 4 years and 8 months before passing away. I knew it was coming, over the past 4 years I have read a lot about cancer, the treatments, and the outcomes. By watching her test results I knew when the doctor said the chemo is no longer working and she had 4 or 5 months that she was not going to make it that far. She was not ready to give up so we found another doctor who said he could try a different drug, but first he wanted her to be admitted to the hospital so he could get her in better condition so she could handle the drug. Well after seven days in the hospital she passed away, myself and our daughter were with her. I can honestly say I have never been so divested as to when she died.  I miss her so much more than I ever thought I could, I had been with her every day since we were married. And now coming home to an empty house is just unbearable. I took three weeks off work to try and get myself together, but it didn’t help. I am sorry I have no answer for you, I came to this website looking for answers myself. I am trying to stay busy, fortunately over the past 4 years our house got neglected so I could take care of my wife, and is in need of repairs. Aside from that my daughter says find more things to do, she is also having a hard time with the loss of her mom. I turn on the TV and just let it make noise, so the house is not so quite. While I was off work my daughter came over every day, to help do whatever. We are both back at work now and struggling with each day. We each have our own pain, I lost my wife, but she lost her mom. I don’t sleep well or at all sometimes. People ask what they can do to help, I say nothing, what I want to say is bring my wife back. They say time will help, but I have not noticed. I have two cats and a dog whom are also missing her, but don’t understand what happened. I know how I feel, and if you are anything close to that, we have a long road ahead of us. ... View more