It is a grey day. Not the sort of grey day in autumn that makes the colour of the dropping leaves stand out, just a damp, misty, miserable, grey day. It makes me realise that for some of us it would be a grey day no matter what the weather. Friends who have to manage where they are, or where their partner is - feeling as if the mist and dampness is closing in around them. It is not that sort of grey day for me. Carrot-top and Blondie, with their mum have been around already. Taken the Chief of Domestic Operations off to do a market somewhere. Their eyes lighting up when they see me, arms outstretched saying, lift me up, I want out of this car restraint, I want to play. When that happens the sun is shining brightly no matter what the day. Why is it so important to me that I survive until they can remember me? That I even want to be remembered? That I have told my specialist that they have to keep me going for at least another five years, and that five years will be a constant horizon, never fixed, always projected. It is a grey day. Damp, misty and miserable. Even the leaves as they drop seem drained of colour. But that is out there. In here, it is bright, the sun shines and two little boys make cancer seem a long way away. Sailor 16/5/10 ...Yet still, even more now, my spirit within me
 Drives me seaward to sail the deep,
 To ride the long swell of the salt sea waves.
 Never a day but my heart's desire
 Would launch me forth on the long sea path... The Seafarer circa 1900's
Hi Sailor, Glad to hear that you have such wonderful little poppets in your life to live for and that bring out the 'lets play' - no matter, what the weather, or what the disease is throwing at you. For me, this is my daughter. You are such an inspiration to everyone on this site - including myself - your blogs are so insightful and you always seem to know exactly what to say to someone that is struggling with all that is thrown at them with what is the emotional whirlpool of cancer and all that it brings to the surface and then drags you down...... Glad to hear you have to little boys that make the living and its struggle worthwhile, Hang in there and take care, Nicole
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Hi Sailor or hello sailor takes me back to my cheeky days in the Defence Department- they were good days, happy days and I have heard that at least 9 of the people I worked with are still at the same place doing the same work - their superannuation will be looking good!. Well I was not going to talk about ancient times. If you read my two pieces of last/previous week - about my niece and nephew - you would understand my smile when I saw that part of your resolve to stay around a bit longer is the same as mine - 2 little people who we absolutely love and who love us. I know your grand sons are only very young and I can understand your worry that if something happens to you they may not remember you as they get older. Even though mine are 7 and 9 I am scared not so much they will forget me, but all the things we did together and especially the things we have learned from each other - looking after them from 1 year old while their Mum and Dad were at work was one of the most joyous experiences of my life. Sailor,in Melbourne it is a very grey,miserable,cold day as you stated, but the sun shone in your home this morning and you delighted in it- to me that is a treasured moment. Keep well and look after yourself and don't let them lil' rascals chase the cat!!!! but more so the things we did together and all of the laughs.
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Bugger that last bit I thought was deleted from an earlier line- oh well - yes we can hope the kids remember the laughs etc how embarrassing - hope I don't do that too often!!
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Regular Contributor
Hi Sailor and others, I have just returned from a family lunch near the beach in SYdney - not nearly as grey as Melbourne seems to be and your piece brought an extra smile. My psych asked me last visit what was the uppermost item in my bucket list and it was to see my sons graduate from university. The youngest is only 16 so I need a while yet and the eldest will take years to finish his double degree. So like you Saior, I need to keep stretching the horizon. While I don't have little people in my life, the big ones still serve the same purpose. Thanks for bringing that into focus again. SAmex
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Frequent Contributor
Lovely Sailor, and lovely responses too. I'm thinking right now that the one thing I can do to feel peaceful when it gets hard is to make sure I say what I want to say. That's becoming more and more important for me every day. Some days it means saying how much pleasure I get from my step-granddaughter. Another day it means saying how much pleasure I get from my wife getting pleasure from her... Other days it's about knowing inside that there isn't a blockage with someone I care about. And some days it's knowing I've written something I am proud of. Come to think of it, there are lots of things to keep me peaceful. Thanks for reminding me, Sailor. H
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Super Contributor
Hey Sailor Such a nice thing for you to look forward to ... a visit from the grandies. I dont have any yet, although i have put my order in for some and my son once again rolled his eyes at me. There is something incredibly special about grandchildren and its lovely that you get so much pleasure from them and they from you. Julie
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