How do you tell the difference...

[#1]

Dad has started his chemo this week and so far so good... As I was chatting to dad today I said (as I did twice last week) how excited I am about seeing him in a few weeks time for his birthday, then the response came "will you be here for my birthday? Oh love, that will be so good, it would be fantastic to have you here for my birthday!", now I am pondering whether he has gone down hill because of the cancer or maybe it is just an age thing...the answer to this I don't know. In many ways, it doesn't worry me, I would love to hear the same reaction from him everyweek. I have raised the issue with mum because dad has always prided himself on his memory and recall, I have asked her to keep an eye on him and mention it to the doctors on Monday if this is continuing. In fact, for dads sake I will repeat my excitement about his birthday in the next day or two and see if I get the same response. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful dad who, along with my mum, guided me to be the person that I am. They are truly inspiring and I take my hat off to them. My mum blows me away with her calmness and pharmacy/nurse/diary keeper/taxi/wife/mother ability, she loves dad unconditionally and always has time to chat. I could never fault her. Yes she burries her head in the sand when it suits her, dad struggles to explain himself to her with his diagnosis and feelings associated with the diagnosis but still after all these years you can see the love between them. I wonder how long dad can fight this for - I know that chemo is just to give him some more time and that it won't fix him, I wonder how long he will be able cope for, I wonder so much...I use to keep a diary, but now I type. I appreciate that I have time to spend with dad and know that it is precious. My husband and I didn't get to spend too much time with his dad before he passed away in January, so we now have a 'have no regrets' way of thinking. To anyone reading this, sorry to waffle on so much, I think it is my way of offloading and sorting out my thoughts. I have had a day filled with converstations with mum, dad, mother-in-law, forms for solicitors, probate forms etc...and I was just jumbled! I hope that you all have a weekend full of love and laughter with those closest to you. Katie 🙂

[Teacher_Mum]

Katie, What a beautiful soul you are. You are allowed to waffle, in fact, you are amongst some of the greatest wafflers on this site so you have come to the right place. Somtimes we don't know and we just have to go with the flow. Feel free to offload - you have a beautiful way of writing :) I wish I had the answers, but sometimes we just have to do the best we can and you seem to be doing beautifully! Teach xo

[samex]

Waffle away Katie! Teach and I are great at it!! I love that you have developed a "have no regrets attitude". When I was having treatment I also had a very close friend whoe was dying and lived 12 hours drive away.My husband buried himself as well and when I asked to fly up he would always say that Phil had plenty of time. Perhaps because of the conversations Phil and I used to have, I knew this wasn't true. I missed him by one day and I always regret this . I spoke to him on the phone but never got to give him a hug. Das's vagueness could be due to a number of things - age, chemo, stress. But I'm sure that he loves having you phone calls and is really keen to see you. He is lucky to have you. Keep waffling and offloading. Always someone to listen here. Samex

[vinouche]

I think it is wonderful that you are aware how precious your time with your dad is. I spent every minute I could first with my dad then ten years later with my mum looking after her. I know my brother and sisters missed out on that time as they lived here in Oz and we didn't. So make the most of it, because you can't catch it back. My daughter is now moving here to be with me and that is just as precious to me. So keep loving your dad and your mum and be there for them both. Sylvie

[chris_martin]

Hi Katie. You seem to be in much the same situation as me with my dad except dad lives alone 6hr drive away from me. Believe me when I tell you that I too have done my share of "waffling" on this site and I have found the people so caring and full of wisdom and offer many many kind words even though their burdens are greater than mine as they have little children involved!!. My dad has oesophageus cancer and nothing more can be done for him and he too is getting vague on the phone sometimes. I ring him every night at 7pm and we chat for half an hour and always end our conversation with "I love you" from both of us. Previous to this horrible disease we had never said that as we took it for granted that it was assumed. One thing I have learnt from this whole thing is to never assume how much another person thinks you care. I went up to see dad last week and spent the most precious 4 days with my dad and even though he couldn't eat we spent ages chatting about our memories and about his wishes for me hen he is gone-I really think he trying to prepare me for when he is not around and it should be the other way around. For as long as I live I will never forget those 4 days!!!As I have mentioned before on this site I have 2 brothers (one who only lives 1 hr away) and never bothers to see dad but instead og getting angry I now feel sympathy as they will never be able to get this precious time back with dad and dad accepts it as he says he knows they love him but just can't show it the way I can. So keep doing what you are doing for your dad as I am sure - like mine- he knows how very much you love him. Take care Chris

[#6]

Thank you, I wonder if I am the only one who sometimes types a really long blog but never posts it? I find it really soothing, it seems to clear my head. Dad is my inspiration, not just with how he deals with this but the entire way that he has led his life. Proud doesn't even do him justice. I am going to try to fly to see him before his birthday, I won't surprise him, I don't think that is good for him at the moment. He is so funny, I try to talk to him every day or at worst every second. Yesterday he called me and said "Hi love, I am in the car, your mum is in the shops grabbing some medication so I have about 5 minutes...", He didn't really want to share anything, he just wanted to tell me about his blood tests and next weeks chemo. I think he is loving our usual Friday chat when he is mostly 'home alone' for an hour or two and having blood tests yesterday threw that out the window. Dad's cancer has gone to his bones, at least three different locations. After loosing my beautiful father-in-law I have developed a spine, I am now not affraid to ask questions, not scared of what the answers will be (even though I don't usually like the answers), I have had dad put my name on the files so that the doctors and nurses can talk to me about his 'condition'. I couldn't do that with my dad-in-law and we were hoodwinked as to his stability. I won't make that mistake again...still we have the "no regrets" attitude, although hindsight sometimes tries to creap in... I really appreciate hearing from you all, it is not only inspirational, but it helps me move my clouds and make the day clearer. Thank you!! Katie :) p.s. It isn't raining here today...we have had rain/showers every single day except one for around 5 weeks (average approx 10mls a day). My laundry looks like it is a commercial laundry and that is not because of the size of the washing machine...