~>_<~ tough decision

[peanutz]

It's so sad that I can't provide the best care for my partner. I wish I could make him happy by keeping him at home as he wishes. I say it's temporary only as it's all too much and I need time to see if there is anything I can do to organise the house so that he can come back to and be comfortable. It all happened too soon. I only went to see one of the inpatient palliative care facilities this afternoon as thinking about admitting him in to speed up the process of getting all the help that we require as instructed by our palliative care team. It seems like a strange advice and strange system. I plan to get him admitted in a few days, not this evening. I went home after leaving my partner with his brother, not sure it's considered as incontinence or he was just waiting for me to come home and help him but could no longer wait. He insisted to just sleep there and it'll be OK. I can't move him around to change the sheet or even put a dry towel underneath him. There is no way I would let him sleep on a wet bed until it dries out eventually. We ended up getting an emergency ambulance out to get him to the hospital, rang around on-call palliative care team to try get him straight to the palliative care unit instead of waiting in the emergency. The system doesn't work that way even though we have good intention to free up the ambulance asap. Hours spent and at midnight he was transferred into a palliative care unit. Lucky him, he gets a single room when in the afternoon during the visit we were told there was one bed available in a share room. I'm happy he is now in good hands but it's so painful that I can't look after him well enough on my own. I wish he can get up and walk again. I wish his remaining time with me will be pleasant and comfortable. The look in his eyes said we could manage it at home on our own. I hope he understands that I just want the best for him and I can't provide him that now. It hurts that he has to leave his home. It hurts that I don't have him home with me. I will learn to be happy being on my own as I was before I met him 12 years ago. It will take time and it will never be the same; at least for now I can wake up in the morning and he will still be here and I can go and visit him. I miss him so bad already, I should have stayed with him tonight but I'm so tired and need a rest. I'm sorry 😞

[little_stitcher]

What a tough situation. You are doing the right thing, hard as it is. It means you'll be able to be a good wife, rather than trying to be an under-resourced nurse at home. I'm sending you heaps of hugs of support. love Emily

[peanutz]

Thanks Emily. It's very very hard. This morning he was so happy to see me and the first thing he said "let's go home" and gave me a big grin. When I told him that he couldn't, he still insisted that 'we' could do it. I said to him if he could get out of bed, I would do the packing and take him home. Then, he started to realise that he couldn't do it and had a big frown on his face. Poor him he didn't get breakfast this morning. I later found out that he was asleep when they served the breakfast while at first they claimed that he said no to breakfast. Come lunch time, everyone had their lunch except him as the kitchen staff didn't receive his meals form. He was also transferred to a share room as he's not at that stage so that's a good thing and fair enough. All day he's been talking about going home and asking me to organise the house so he could go home. Every now and then he would have a grin and I asked what it's about, teased him that he's coming up with an escape plan and he said yes. It just broke my heart that it's not something I can help him with. His doctor suggested that to be at home he might need a full time care if he can't walk and lost his ability to keep balance. They need a bit of time to assess him. Also, for a man his size, one small person like me may not be able to do much either. 😞 Surely, there must be a way to help me manage if I'm going to use up all my leave to spend time with him.

[SILLY]

I saw from your next post that the tough decisions no longer need to be made . You did the right thing and tried to care for your husband at home for a long time .The doctor agreed that it was the best thing and your husband probably knew it but just didn't want it to be so .

[peanutz]

Thanks