missing him

[maddie86]

its been just over a month and today is a bad day... it all started a few days ago i started to become lethargic then today i eventually broke down n pretty much cried all today. I miss him so much... i want to smell him again, to touch him, to have him hold me... when i used to get upset over him dying he'd console me and hug me so tight it was like instant relief. Ive been walking around the house moping and crying and both my parents have ignored me! My dad is in a terrible mood and my parents are just ignoring me while i bawl my eyes out... its like they cant be bothered hearing it anymore.. dad even told me to f off while i told him to to just stop slaming stuff... im just over this week and im so down because i was so happy just a few weeks ago.. feel like im back at square 1 😞

[little_stitcher]

Maddie, I'm so sad for you. It's so hard when other people don't understand, as well. I'd love to have some comforting words, but I know there are't any. Just know that I and other people on this forum are sending you love. Emily

[maddie86]

thank you emily... i just feel so lonely and like i have to hide my grief. Feels wrong... i miss him so badly... i just hope tommorow is a better day..

[Tassie_Devil]

Hi Maddie, I am so sorry that things are as bad as they are. As Emily says, there are loads of us on this forum who send our love & suport - albeit electronically!. When I lost a family member years ago, I came across this poem below which I found comforting. In fact I read it at the funeral as I thought it pretty much summed up how she approached life & death. I hope you might find some of these words a comfort. Death is Nothing at All Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away to the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, That, we still are. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect. Without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same that it ever was. There is absolute unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you. For an interval. Somewhere. Very near. Just around the corner. All is well. Henry Scott Holland Take care of yourself. Caroline xx

[Deni_55]

Oh Maddie.. I am so sorry for your pain and that people aren't hearing you. I lost my partner 6weeks ago and it feels like life will never be the same and it won't. I have just posted a blog which I hope you read. In case you don't, I will repeat what has made sense to me and maybe you are or maybe not ready to hear this. It was the the movie "The Best, Exotic Marigold Hotel" delivered by Judi Dench. "There is no past we can bring back by longing for it. Only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws." Remember, you are trying to get used to your loved one's presence in your life as now a very different presence. It's s##t because all you want is them with you in the physical as well. As you say, you want to smell, feel, touch, hear, see and all of that. I am getting ready to have his mobile cut off. I have called his number on 3 occaisions, repeat dialling the number at least twice each time to hear his voice. It finally sunk in that it is just a recorded message which cannot hold a conversation with me. I'm sorry for your loss and wish I could give you a big, long hug. Cry as much as you need to. Try to have something planned every day, even if it just going to a coffee shop or for a walk. One day at a time. Everytime you do something for the first time alone, it will hurt, but once it's done, it is done. All my love...Deni

[purpleangels]

Hi Maddie! Wow! I haven't been On this site in months..... And tonight when I'm feeling awful, I log on and I find out that you too are in my shoes...... Bob passed nearly three weeks ago.........it was awful........he struggled with pain to the end. I could do nothing for him.......... I miss him, I love him, his funeral was awesome.........so beautiful, such a celebration of who he was......... Everyone has gone home.......the flowers are slowly dying..........the food has been eaten............ I have returned to work.......... Life goes on........... Albeit changed and different. It's like he is just in hospital yet again, although I can't visit him. His ashes are in the cupboard...........yet I don't feel his presence like I thought I would. Did I do the right thing by cremating him? Is he cross with me for my decisions? I am assuming this is normal but there are no rules....are there? Take care my dear and know that I am feeling everything right along with you!!!! Good night! Sleep is relief I find!! PA

[Jules2]

PA I am sorry to read of your loss. Sending you and maddie gentle hugssss Julie

[Deni_55]

Haven't been here for ages...thanks to those of you who have sent your love, thoughts and empathy. It has been an up and down ride for the last 14weeks (who's counting) I think of and talk to Kevin all the time. I only remember our good times and his positive qualities now. I have stopped crying and the yearning has subsided. Though everything reminds me of him and how I wish he was here to join in things with me. I am sure he is. As I have said previoulsy, his presence in my life is now a very different one. Work has been good for me and I am starting to fire up again. I went to Canberra a couple of weeks ago and had a little look around and attended a Palliative Care Course for Oncology Massage Therapists. That was pretty amazing and I coped really well. I used to travel a bit for work and pleasure before I met Kevin, so I guess I slipped back into "pre- Kevin." It was ok and I was very proud of myself. I have had 3 grief counselling sessions through Palliative Care which were amazing. I particularly found useful the carte blanche to talk about Kevin and the info re hormones and grieving. That explained a lot about the ups and downs and the awful yearning feelings. I think the hormone is called CRH or just google hormones and grieving. I have also allowed myself to stop grieving for the grief. I was scared that if I let go even a little bit, I would forget him and how I feel about his loss, but I haven't. He is still a joy to me just in a different form. I have managed to also not "over-analyse" what has happened. It just is. I don't know why he had to get brain cancer and die, but he did. Sometimes I feel cross about it and that we couldn't have more than a year. If he had to have cancer, why couldn;t it be a less aggressive. At least we had a year with very little discomfort and a quick, painless end. I wish you all well on your journey and send my love.