"I want my old Daddy back, I don't like this new one", as said by our 8 year old son this afternoon.
"This Daddy is too grumpy and mean, I wish we could have the old one back." "Me too mate", I say to him, "Me too".
Those who haven't been there don't understand the pebble in the pond effect of this disease.
My heart goes out to you and your kids.
Sorry don't know what else to say. Please take a hug instead.
S
Sending hugs too. It might help to explain to the boys that dad's meds (and or tumours?) are causing him to act differently and it is not within his control and that he loves them no less. I repeated that to my girls quite a lot. I even likened it to having a horrible toothache when even the nicest people aren't their normal self.
Take care of yourself too.
Thanks ladies,
Hugs gratefully accepted!
Thaker, thanks for your toothache idea, I've said it many times that Daddy isn't himself and that it is not their fault and yes, he still loves them very much. Sometimes it's hard to FEEL that love, even though you may KNOW it.
I asked both the boys on Saturday morning before we went to our next counselling session "what do you think is going to happen with Daddy?". They both answered, in unison, "he's going to get better".
My heart sank and I reminded them of the conversation we had had together 2 1/2 weeks ago, when I had told them he wasn't going to get better. They both 'claimed' to have forgotten, I guess it is their way of coping.
Our eldest son JK (8 ) started to cry immediately (as did I) and our youngest CJ (6) asked "Is Daddy going to die soon?". I answered that yes Daddy was going to die but we don't know exactly when. CJ then asked "when we are teenagers?", I said, "No, it will probably happen sometime this year".
Needless to say, they didn't say much at counselling, basically just cried in my arms or wanted to be held like a baby (CJ).
I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of Saturday. This disease is so cruel.
Jill
Hi Jill
There have been many an evening since my hubby passed that one or the other of my girls has wanted to just sit in my lap and cry...yes even the 9 year old and its ok for you to cry together because eventually you will heal together. As I understand it though at that age of 8-9 they r more concerned about the day to day things...will we stay in the same house, if dad picked them up from school - who will pick me up, things like that. At one stage last year my 9 year old (being faced with dad dying) asked me what would happen if something happened to me as well. I had no answer for her but I did my annual health check and showed her the results. Noone else will understand what you and your boys are going through because noone knows their dad like you three do but they have you and you have them (his legacy). Although you face hard times make the most of the fact that physically your hubby is still around and leave nothing unsaid. Everything else can wait while you try to capture a lifetime of memories in whatever time you have left.
Hugs.
Sangeeta
It is so hard for us to cope with the mood swings let alone being a child and trying to comprehend it all. Thinking of you all Jill. Sending hugs also and kind thoughts, hoping you are still getting the support you need. well done for the counselling!! It is good to show the boys talking can help some.
Take care
Alana
xxx
Sangeeta,
Thank you so much for your advice and care, not just to me but to all on this site. Your generosity of spirit when your own loss is so fresh is mindblowing.
Thank you, hugz to you and your girls.
Jill xoxo
Hi Jill
If only we could all go back in time but thats not going to happen and we just have to live with the things this horrible disease throws at us.All we can do here is offer each other support and know that others are thinking of you constantly. Take care of yourself and your boys.
Gail xx
This must be so devastating for you and your boys, my heart really goes out to you.
I have an 8 year old nephew and a 6 year old niece - they hate the fact that I have cancer, although I try my hardest to be my 'normal' 'weird' self so they do not really see too much of the horrible times.
When my niece says she doesn't know what she would do without me - that reduces me to tears. My nephew does not say too much, but I see him watching me and if I cough or sneeze - just normal everyday things - he is there with a very serious face asking if I am ok.
With cancer everyone suffers, but I truly believe it is the cruelest thing in the world where a child is concerned - whether they have cancer or they are exposed to it through someone they love.
I wish you strength to get through this. J.x
Not great Jill,
I am trying to be understanding but I am just put here to look after him and thats all I am in T's eyes. Even now that he is better, working, even considering starting over 35's soccer, I am still just here for him. It is draining and I am feeling very unappreciated and quite frankly like I could be anyone as long as I look after him. My bad but some times I dream someone else will come along and I can exit gracefully with my girls and LIVE. These are all pre-cancer problems that have come back ten-fold.
Feel bad whinging when people are losing loved ones and struggling away with their cancer journeys, but like I said before, I can't talk to our friends and it feels lonely as hell most days.
Anyway, you certainly don't need my woe. How are you coping this week? Hope you and the boys are managing to fit in some fun and good times with your husband and each other. I have this idea for getting a retreat/holiday accommodation built so people like all of us on here can afford to take their families away. Been putting it to various organisations and have had some really great responses! Sailor suggested someone to talk to and they may have some funding for me which is super! I will tell you all about it one day if your keen. Can use all the input I can get. I want to call it Pabs Place after my best friend who passed just over a year ago. Hopefully I will be so busy with this I won't have time to feel sorry about myself re home situation lol. i do so hate feeling sorry for myself. It just doesn't sit right!!!
Time to turn off this darn computer. Start a new job tomorrow where I will be able to contribute 10% of earnings to my foundation :-)
Look after yourself Jill
Alana
:-)
Hi Alana,
Sorry to hear that the 'old' problems are continuing, I was hopeful that once T was back at work that he would feel better (more like a normal bloke, doing normal bloke stuff) and that would help things on the home front.
It is perfectly understandable that you will be feeling drained and very lonely. Friends aren't going to understand the overwhelming effect that living with cancer in the family has, particularly on you, the Mum, as mums are usually the lynch-pin of the family.
How did the girls' birthdays go? Was tension too high or were they a 'moment of relief' that didn't last long enough??
Your Pabs Place retreat sounds WONDERFUL and I would love to hear more, it will be good for both of us to focus on something else for a while. I'm glad that Sailor has the 'contact' for you who may be able to help with funding. WOW!! that is fantastic.
Good on you for having an idea and following through with it!
Hope the new job went well (am guessing you will be reading this at the end of the day given our time differences!). You will have to tell me about that too!
Gotta go, have to hit the shower and start the day 'officially'!!
Take care, know that we are here and thinking of you.
As they say in High School Musical 3 (?) (yes my BOYS like it)
"We're all in this together"
Jill xo
PS I would love to know how to do all the smiley face icon thingys!
Hi Jill
Thinking of you and your boys....not a day passes when I don't wonder how you are and how you are coping.....it must be very difficult for you.....I remember my grief when I lost my twin sister 13 years ago ....my son then 11 years old sat and held my hand while I cried - he was so strong......he had a wealth of compassion and understanding that so many people years older don't have. These moments of sharing your deepest feelings strengthens the bond you have with them. Children are amazing and even though your boys are struggling I have faith that with your strength and love they will get through this and remember their Daddy with smiles on their faces.
My love to you all, Willow xo
Thanks Jill, you really are such an amazing person to care so much about my silly probs when yours are monumental. I hope you know that about yourself, as you are a rare gem.
The girls birthdays were a 'moment of relief'. I am so proud of my 16yr old daughter. In one month she saved up most of her tuition for napolean perdis. we put in the rest along with her dad and some other family members. Determined little bugger that one, just like her mother lol.
bj had a laser skirmish party and had an absolute ball. she was running around yelling 'take cover troops' and even took a hit for her best friend 🙂 Her last film was about World War II so she must have been emulating the soldiers.
Smiley faces : - )
Sad faces : - (
all without the spaces.
Take care of you and if you ever need a giggle have a read of the feel good posts. You will see them in my profile. With two young boys I bet you can add some pearlers yourself
Talk soon
Alana
ps I have stitches in my finger from opening a stubborn bottle with the vice in Tommy's shed. Don'r ask me why I listened to him with that piece of advice, I was even saying how ridiculous an idea it was while I was doing it? What the? hehehehe I had to drive myself to the hospital as T just laughed at me and refused to 'sit around the bloody hospital.' Didnt want to make a fuss but I could actually see my bone so knew I couldnt leave it. Ewwwwww! What an idiot I am haha
Alana,
Just wondering if the bottle you were opening was for you or someone else, I'm guessing even if it was for you, given the turn of events you didn't get to drink it anyway.
Switch to twist caps!!!
Thanks Willow,
Children certainly are amazing! Our boys seem to be coping fairly well, most of the time they are pretty 'normal'.
Last night at dinner, our youngest told us he didn't want to go to see the counsellor anymore. I told him I understood that going there was very hard because we were talking about stuff that is scary and sad. I said to him that even if we didn't go to see her, we would still have to deal with the scary and sad stuff about Daddy and that she had helped lots of other people who have had someone in their family die, so it would be good for her to be able to help us too.
I said the more people we have to help us and talk about our feelings with, the better it will be for us to manage.
He said, 'when will stop going to see her, when Daddy dies?'
I said I think we will need to see her for a while after he dies to help us with those new feelings.
This was the first time he had raised anything about Greg without any prompting/questioning by us. He must be thinking about it a bit which is good that he is not just burying it away.
Thanks so much for your kind words, hope you are feeling a bit brighter today, the trivial stuff that others find all-consuming can be very frustrating and draining.
Jill xo
