ten minutes without stopping

[harker]

It changes all the time, even after years. Some days it's a crystal clear view I have of my life. Other days it's as foggy as the road to hell. I'm getting used to the variation and seem to have found a way of living with however it is when i wake up. Mostly, that is. I have lots of support which I am pleased abouot. But the real struggle is inside. Isn't it just! The support is all on the utside and that's fine, but the real business of living withc ancer is happening on the inside. Don't you think? That's loke another story altogether. I do try and write from that point of view, try and communicate the internal dialogue, journey, fight, capitulation, surrender, whatever you want to call it. last night I had a great dinner with friends and we ate beef, drank red wine and occasionally lookied in on the footy scorev - I mean the election score - whcih was a bit depressing. As time goes on I realisie how much I actually despis ethe world I live in and how much I value and love my own life. It's a strange tension, but for some reason it rings true for me. I care less and less about the way we are treating the planet and each other inthat big macro sense of so-called democracy. I don't give a hoot any more. But I care more and more about the things I can make out of my interior life and the life I share with my family and friends. That's just so real to me. I imagine a boat load of asylum seekers landing on the coast of Western Australia and being told they are trespassing on BHP Billiton's land. What a joke. See you later. I want no further part of it. Stop peddling this negative racist crap. I'm getting on with the life I am making, each day that I live with cancer. H

[samex]

Reflections of some of my own thoughts lately. I have been contemplating the nature of selfishness as i believe being a cancer survivor impacts on your view of this aspect of life. BC I always gave totally to others - family, students, colleagues with rarely a thought for myself. When I was diagnosed with cancer i tried to change that view and begin to lok after No.1 more. This lasted - oh about a month! I then reverted to all of my "bad" habits. What this self reflection has allowed me to do, however, is to observe others and the conclusion that I have come to is that selfish people are the happy ones. I initially believed this to be a paradox as I felt fulfilled when I was giving - felt useful I suppose. What i now have to deal with is often resentment at those who have been selfish, thought only of themselves and they haven't got cancer and those who gave of themselves have got this dreaded disease and have to deal with it. I am working (slowly) through these thoughts and trying to work on ways to be more selfish. For me, a dilemma. (A little more than 10 minutes) Samex

[Sailor]

Friday lunch time we sat with friends in a rather unusual cafe in an inner Melbourne suburb. We had a good meal, drank red wine talked about life and had a great time. We worried about the election the next day. My friend brought out one of his collection of antique, immaculate Dinky toys. Everything worked, it was a replica of real life, except that there was a broken handle. We discussed ways of mending die-cast. Mine host joined in the conversation from time-to-time. We talked about old friends, some of whom are no longer with us. We talked about the move of his model railway layout and that how another person had taken an interest in it and was gong to convert it to digital control for him. The conversation ranged widely and eruditely. After about four hours, we wound things down, went back to their apartment then on our way. For me that meant across town and into hospital for the next few hours and gentamycin is still a pain in the bum. Our friends, well it was back to the confines of their small apartment that they have moved to from a gracious Victorian house. For he is confined to a wheelchair with a progressively debilitating disease and she is legally blind. We often talk about life and things in general. We know that we will not be a burden on our children and they will not have to worry about looking after us in our dotage. That is a comfort. Yes progressive disease changes your perspective on things. I am not sure that I am more hedonistic than I was. I'm more prepared to do things that we find pleasant and not worry about the $'s. Yes I do find that much of what has been out there in recent days, the pandering to peoples fears, the cultivation of xenophobia and the short term thinking I see for what it is - shallow and without merit. But cancer has not changed my desire for a better and more just society. Cheers Sailor We have lingered in the chambers of the sea By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown Till human voices wake us, and we drown. T S Eliot. The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock

[samex]

Sounds like a lovely lunch Sailor. Today I also had lunch with a friend. I had tutored her daughter last year with her HSC. I didn't ask for payment then as they were friends etc,etc. Today was the time when we were finally able to meet for the lunch that she wished to give me for payment. After I had enjoyed such a lovely time, I contacted school and went up after school to check on what had happened for the 2 weeks that i had been away at HSC marking. My Ht informed me that the principal wasn't happy with the casual who had replaced me and how my yr 12 class had responded to her. I was told that I would probably be not allowed to do marking next year.(Mind you the casual that I had organised became unavailable - long boring story) Again, giving to others, trying to improve my knowledge to better the chances of my students has backfired because other people cannot do their job effectively. While this has little to do with my cancer it has a lot to do with how I view life these days. As a teacher my students always come first and it hurts to have it thrown back at me. As a survivor, I wonder why I don't just look after myself from now on. The dilemma continues. S