walking on egg shells

[larn75]

This past week my hubby has been on holidays with family. I booked him a ticket on the spur of the moment, although we did not really have the money. He has been given the all clear to go back to work and I thought this will be his last opportunity for a long while. Also I thought our marriage would end if I did not have some space really really soon. I feel so guilty feeling that way but he is like a thunder storm, constantly. My teenage children are talking of leaving and even my seven year old was misbehaving out of frustration. Over the week he's been gone the house has been tranquil. The girls have not fought and we have laughed so much. We have cleaned the house from top to bottom, and surprisingly had a ball while doing it. I pick T up from airport tonight at half 8. I am hoping against hope that all he needed was some time away, and that he doesnt come home and cause upset all over again. It is scary waiting to see if once again we must all walk on egg shells. I don't think I can do it again. I KNOW the girls cant. One is suffering vomitting due to anxiety, and the other two have issues also. I am the spouse of someone who had cancer and was hoping perhaps to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation, and I am also VERY interested to hear from someone who has had cancer and has suffered the depression and anger I believe my husband is feeling right now. My marriage is on the rocks and he won't get help. :-( Alana

[Mrs_Elton]

Hi Alana, I truly hope this break for 'T' has helped him and that your home can be a peaceful and joyful place again. Walking on eggshells is VERY stressful, for you and your girls. How do you think T will cope going back to work? Hugs to you, Jill.

[Jules2]

Hey larn I have had my son suffering from depression for the past five years and that also is a tough gig and then to throw cancer into the scheme of things too just makes it worse for you all. I really hope that your husband can recognise that he is not coping and get some help. We all need to think about getting help if we cant get over the hurdle. I think its natural and normal to be depressed to a point but after that point its help time. :) Sending you cyberly hugssss and i hope things improve for you all. Julie

[Sailor]

Hi Larn75 Wow - this on top of all you have been through! Isn't life stressful enough? I read somewhere that 66% of cancer patients have some sort of long term psychological distress, 20 - 35% experience clinical depression and approximately 35% of patients suffer anxiety related disorders. Also that the diagnosis of cancer, the ongoing treatment and survival post-treatment can result in a range of emotions, such as: anger, guilt, recrimination, fear, grief, hopelessness with impact on significant others. So what your husband and you are going through is part of this dreadful journey. Like Jules 2, I have a member of my immediate family who suffers from depression, that has been a really tough gig and has been for the past fifteen years. It is also a tough gig trying to get help. It seems as if the system only works once there is a crisis. (Let me give you a tip - if you ever have to ring a Crisis Assistance Team, or whatever they are called, yell and scream and make a lot of noise, then they will respond. If you in any way seem to be rational, then they will assume you are coping!) You can't keep walking on eggshells, believe me it is too stressful. So like the others I hope that a short time away will work wonders for both of you and the children. Also, the routine of work may also help as it might help him to focus on other things than his cancer. So all of our thoughts are with you at this time. Best wishes Sailor So when storm clouds come sailing across your blue ocean Hold fast to your dreaming for all that you’re worth For as long as there are dreamers there will always be sailors Bringing back their bright treasures from the corners of earth. Eric Bogle, Safe in the Harbour

[samex]

Hi Alana, My God, does this thing never end for patients or carers?I am responding from a couple of perspectives I think. I saw my GP last week to have a mental health assessment done in order to see a counsellor as I decided I wasn't coping (nearly 2 years post treatment). My family refuses to talk about my fears and anxieties and even when i told my husband I had been to the Gp and told him why, I had no response. I have learned to live with this and consequently sought out professional help rather than relying on family. part of my reasoning for this seeking of help was that the relationship with my 20 year old has been deteriorating fast. He is quite self-centred at the best of times but I have felt it very keenly since being diagnosed and him not really appearing to notice or care. He won't change so I need help to learn how to deal with it. My relationship with my husband, while strong , has its moments as he doesn't want to understand that this is a lifelong thing for me. As far as he is concerned, the logic is that it will not return so evrything goes back to what it was before. Unfortunately I don't think logically all the time - the upshot is a lot of unspoken thoughts.Hopefully the counselling will assist me with understanding his perspective as well. Anyway,if T will talk to you, that may be a way of you both beginning to understand where you are both at and what anxieties and fears you both have. My honesty and tears fell on deaf ears unfortunately but the mere fact that you are asking about the patient's perspective as well indicates that you want to know how to deal with it all. How I admire you for that! While his return to work will be good, there is always the need to watch out that he is not overdoing it - physically or emotionally, depending on his job. Is he able to ease into it? I seem to have raved on but I hope the eggshells can be left behind and that both of you are able to talk and listen to each other. Maybe consider some professional assistance - available on medicare through your GP. I wish I had gone earlier. Take care, all of you, S

[larn75]

Thanks everyone, I knew I could post on here without judgement. On mentioning this predicament to one friend I was told I was a selfish b#2ch. I havent liked to mention it since as you can imagine. Also if you have been involved in earlier posts you already know this has been happening for sometime now and here I still am, piggy in the middle of kids and T, and he still won't seek help.I don't want to walk away from 10 years but in all honesty this started before cancer diagnosis. Anyway, enough of that. He may be a bundle of fun when he gets home!!! Sailor, thanks for all your quotes. Not only are they always relevent, it also shows you have really thought about your response to someones pleas/pains/queries etc. It means a lot to people to really be 'listened' to. Thats one amazing talent you have there!!! :-) Julie and Jill. You guys are always one of the first people to answer, always there although you both have so much going on yourselves. It is wonderful how all through this tough time I keep coming across amazing people like you. cyber hugs straight back Alana

[Jules2]

Hey Samex ... good for you for seeking out some help!!! So many dont! I think in regards to people not understanding, it is their own fears that prevent them from being able to see how it is for the cancer patient (for want of a better word). Here is where i reach a bit of a predicament in my head. Do i make allowances or do they? Ideally we both would, but we all know the world is not necessarily ideal. I am going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment in dealing with the side effects of my treatment and after some research i find that feeling down is just another one!! Oh yayyy ... lol Gotta laugh or i cry. I have decided that if nothing has changed in my head that i will have to do somemthing and when i go back in february is my cut off time, unless they tell me its only going to last a couple more weeks or something of that nature. @ larn ... I just feel for you at the moment. It is not easy as i have already said living with someone suffering from depression and any small cracks in a relationship are going to be surely tested when you throw in a cancer diagnosis. You will probably be doing a lot of soul searching right now, so good luck with that. julie

[samex]

Hi again, Seem to have really hit a nerve with me on this one! You are not being at all selfish. This has been very difficult for you and the kids as well. Perhaps what I am larning from this is even though my boys won't talk about it, they don't get what is happening to me (and them). Hmmm Julie it has taken my 2 years to finally admit to seeking help but I decided that 2 weeks of daily tears wasn't really normal. time to bring in the professionals! Evryone take care, S

[Versaillon]

Hey Alana Wow, it just keeps getting better doesn't it? I'm sorry to hear about what is going on - as if you didn't have enough going on as it is. Although they are going through something terrible, many cancer patients perhaps do not understand how hard it is for their carers too. Our lives have changed too, we take on the extra burdens to ensure our loved one concentrates on getting well and not to mention the expectations we put on ourselves to stay strong for that person. It's difficult doing so much yet feeling so helpless and the emotions we go through can be crippling at times. And then you throw kids into that mix just to make it even more difficult. It was never going to be an easy road, that's for sure. I wouldn't put much stock in people who have never been in your shoes telling you what you are or must be. How could they possibly understand unless they themselves have been there? Yes, going through cancer is horrible, terrifying and emotional but that doesn't mean that the carer isn't right there with them, they aren't a person too who is entitled to how they feel at any given moment. I'm a depression sufferer myself, having just come out the other side of my second bout of the black cloud. I understand what it is like to be stuck in a void of sadness and aloneness. But as my psych told me, my illness does not give me the right to treat people with no respect or shabbily. It doesn't give me special privileges or rights. Perhaps speak with a social worker and ask them if they can arrange for a counsellor to speak with your husband. He might find it easier to speak with someone who doesn't have an emotional connection to him. Who knows, if you tell him that you and your children are suffering too, he may agree to counselling himself. Maybe seeing a counsellor yourself would give you better ways of coping if he chooses not to see one himself. The kids may benefit too. Just do whatever it is you need to get you through. I wish you all the luck in the world Alana. No one should have to walk around on egg shells, it's a horrible existence. *hugs* Jo xxx

[Jules2]

hi Alana... On reading your post again it reminds me of something i was once told a long time ago. We should be very careful when pointing the finger at someone as physically we have 3 coming back at ourselves, i wonder if your friend thought of that when she accused you of being selfish ;). Cheers Julie

[larn75]

We got two good days out of him and bang, back to being a right royal pain in everyones backside. So so so tired. 😞

[larn75]

We got two good days out of him and bang, back to being a right royal pain in everyones backside. So so so tired. 😞

[samex]

Alana I'm so sorry. I guess he won't talk about it? It must be so hard on everyone to try to adjust. I have been thinking about you and wondering how it all went. I'm sorry that it wasn't a little better. Perhaps the 2 good days tell you that good days are possible. Cyber hugs S

[Jules2]

Hey Alana hugsss and lets hope that next week you get two more days! Julie

[Mrs_Elton]

Alana, I'm so sorry to hear that. You are the meat in the sandwich and it is so very very draining. I hope you can find a solution, don't have any suggestions unfortunately. Know that we are here for you to share your frustrations and for you to be able to be HONEST about your feelings. There is no judgement here. Offload here for your own and your daughters' sanity. Sending you hugs, strength and wisdom/inspiration. Jill xx

[larn75]

gone to far this time. Went to hit, and I dont mean smack, my daughter. She has gone to my mums and doesnt want to come home. AFter all the battling together against this stupid disease, we come to this? Time to move out. I f I wasnt here he would have hit her!?!?! And the language that came out of her mouth, so out of character. SHe doesnt treat adults that way. He has agreed to counselling but I want my girls a safe distance away while we work through these issues. Heartbroken, devastated, lost, so many things. But no one and I mean NO ONE hurts my babies. :-(

[Jules2]

hugss larn, hopefully T will see the need for him to get some help. Julie xo

[Mrs_Elton]

Alana, Really sorry to hear this. Some space away from T sounds like what you and your girls need, can you all stay with your Mum? Sounds like it will take a long time to rebuild trust. My heart goes out to you and your girls, you have been through so much and now is when it was supposed to be getting easier and life was supposed to be getting back on track. This sux. Thinking of you. Don't know what else to say. Wish I could make it better. Jill xoxo

[larn75]

Thanks Jill and Julie, Such a hard decision in a way but an easy one at the same time, I cannot allow anyone to treat my girls this way. Unfortunately staying with my Mum is not an option. I will have to rent a place for six months and reassess after that. T has agreed to counselling so a positive step already. Just sux it had to come to this to get him there. Are these trials never ending? I dont expect an easy ride but wow am I tired. I havent given up yet though and will never be beaten. Lifes to short and precious not to fight for what matters. Boo was getting sick on the way to school 😞 Havent had the heart to tell lil Bj yet. Cry everytime I think about doing it.

[Jules2]

larn ... i wish i could send you some energy. Lets hope that this is the turning point to make the rest of all your lives fantastic. Anything negative involving kids is just tough!! Hang in there!! Julie xo

[samex]

Wow Alana. I am so sorry that it came to this. This disease really takes no prisoners does it? I started counselling and it is difficult facing my demons so I am glad that T has agreed that something needs to be done to keep his family together(and possibly to allow him to make sense of what has happened to him and his family)It won't be easy for him but the number one priority in life is your kids. At times they have been the only thing that has stopped me doing something I may have regretted. Lots of hugs. Wish I could do more. S

[Versaillon]

Oh Alana, I'm sorry to hear about this. Things really have come to a head, haven't they? Everyone has been so stressed for a while so you become emotionally emaciated after a while. I'm sorry this is happening. Wish there was something I could say that would give you some buoyancy and light! I feel somewhat useless. Just don't give up and you come find us when you need to vent OK? Take care sweets Jo xxx

[Mrs_Elton]

Will you still be able to go to SA for your cuddles with Max?? I really hope so, that baby smell and snuggling into your neck is a unique comforter I find. Take care, Jill xoxo

[larn75]

yes Jill i will still be going for sure. Need my sisters at the moment, actually yearn for them, which is funny as I haven't through the whole cancer journey. I have so many meetings for Pabs Place as well while I am there as well as presentations for work (which are also really to do with Pabs Place lol). Pabs aka Paul birthday is March 3 so will be spending that with his wife and family and other third of the musketeers haha. Thank you Samex and Jo. We will get through always do, but I appreciate your kind words of support. Will be one busy lil munchkin!! Thanks everyone, hope your week is going well. Alana 🙂