6 years of remission & I'm still a wreck

[matsy]

Hi there I haven't been back here for a long time bc I was one of the lucky ones and my husband has been in remission for 6 years now. I am angry and upset bc I feel like our experience has taught me nothing - I read stories of people who learn to live a more grateful and fulfilling life etc. Since diagnosis I was always waiting for this to happen. Perhaps it's bc I still never really embraced reality, there was always an element of denial and now we are just getting on with our lives pretending cancer never happened. But deep down I worry especially when he gets sick, even just a cold - I freak out and am an anxious wreck until he gets better. I try to keep this to myself bc I know my pointless worry and misery makes it worse for everyone. This week I read about some newly released stats and I immediately went to the worst case scenario. I am almost as upset as when he was first diagnosed. I can't believe that 6 years later I haven't got any better at this. And after all this I have nothing to complain about: he survived and we are living a comfortable life. I wish I could get a handle on it 😞

[little_stitcher]

Hi Matsy, your post really spoke to me- my husband comes up for the milestone 5 years in remission next year. I spent the first year of his remission experiencing what you describe, and I was even anxious and miserable about it all when he was well. I eventually got some counselling, as it began to effect my daily life. It really helped me move past the anxiety and downward mental spiral. I still stress out or sink into misery occasionally, but now I can 'switch off' unrealistic negative thoughts much more quickly and easily. Counselling may help you with this, too. Learning how to process what you've been through effectively is really helpful (not to mention a big relief!), and that's what a counsellor does. Also know that we are here for and with you. sending big hugs, Emily

[matsy]

Hi Emily Thanks for replying, sometimes that's all we need isn't it, knowing that someone somewhere can hear you. And sorry for my delay, I was waiting for a private moment. I had counselling right throughout my husband's treatment and for a while after too (maybe about a year). I had so many other issues that came with my can of worms, and I guess the cancer scenario just forced it all out! I always felt a bit guilty that I was milking all this and I wasn't even the one who was sick. I guess it just affects all people differently. I may return for more counselling some time because as you mentioned, perhaps I still haven't fully processed it. I did get some respite over time, as is promised by others who share this journey. I hope you have found this too. Thank you again for your words, it really did help. Hope you are going along ok, let us know how your milestone goes! Sending hugs too, Matsy.

[Jodii]

Wow here I have come back onto the forum today to look for help in very similar circumstances to you both. The only difference is my husband is not in remission but his condition is classified as stable and he still works and it doesn't seem to affect him very much on a daily basis. I wonder sometimes if its all in my head. We live from scan to scan - with the next one due in January 2016. I feel so damn insecure (because I know I will lose him one day) and so needy and teary most of the time. This year I have been a mental wreck and I really do want to make 2016 a better year in that respect and to enjoy the time I have with him. I have had counselling and we are having couple counselling but I think I need to pursue my own counselling to work through this by the sound of it. Does anyone know of any support groups that assist with this type of anticipatory grief (I think thats what its called...)?? Thanks in advance.

[Jules2]

I don't know of any groups Jodii, but one thing, don't give cancer more than you have to!! I know it's hard and it affects us all differently, but ultimately you have to work towards taking back your power. Live in the here and now and be mindful of what the future holds. Julie xx

[little_stitcher]

Hi Jodi, I can certainly relate to your anticipatory grief. My husband has been in remission for 41/2 years, and I still catch myself mourning for my life without him every now and then. I got counselling when I got to the stage of my grief negatively impacting my daily life, even when all our circumstances were fine. This was really helpful (I was also diagnosed with a life long anxiety disorder during the process, and gettting on top of that helped a huge amount as well.) I also don't know of any support groups, but a counsellor (particularly one who specialises in grief or cancer issues, if you can find one) would be able to help you work through this as well. We're also all here for you, too! Don't forget to be kind to yourself, too- you really have been through the wringer. Sending hugs and cheers, Emily