Acceptance-almost worse than denial?

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Acceptance-almost worse than denial?

My darling husband, after 11 gruelling months of going through diagnosis, surgery, treatment, pain, and all that goes with stage 4 Colon Cancer seems to have finally accepted in his own quiet way his dis-ease. As hard as it has been during this time for myself and our family to have him in denial, anger, bargaining, and everything else that comes along with what I now see as a grieving process, it seems as if acceptance has been granted and I wonder if this in many ways worse. Not for him, so much but as I watch him starting to clean out paperwork, talking of the future and his wishes, having a sense of urgency regarding getting his house in order, I am scared. I think of the times over the past months when I had wished that he would accept what was happening to us and now it has come, it is almost scarier. I know this sounds weird, even as I type the words I am thinking I sound as though I cannot be pleased. It is not that at all, I guess for myself also the final reality is in front of me. Please do not get me wrong, we continue to remain as positive as we can, and will continue to do everything we can to beat this insidious dis-ease, this is another stage to the process that once again is not spoken of and it is confronting, confusing and scary. Having said all of this, there is another aspect to the acceptance that is positive. There is now a sense of calm in our home again. The feeling has changed as if we have cast out the unwelcome stranger that has been with us. We can talk about things and if I do get upset and want to cry, he will allow that. This has been huge for me to be able to express my feelings in front of him instead of hiding my tears. He is now doing things with me again and we are spending lovely time together again. That stranger is not sitting between us. I am able to express how much I love him and he has been expressing that to me also again. It is almost like I have my loving husband of 32 years is back. The journey continues and just when I was almost exhausted emotionally and mentally the universe seems to have stepped in again and put it right. I seem to be healing also and this is giving me the strength to move forward again. We keep smiling and holding onto each other and continue our journey to whatever the final outcome will be.  
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Re: Acceptance-almost worse than denial?

Thanks for all you've written here - this is very similar to the past few days for me. All the best, Louise E
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Re: Acceptance-almost worse than denial?

Thanks for writting that Sharon, I can relate to what you have written...Glenn....
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