Hey larn75....wow...and wow....you have hit the nail on the nead and trust me...you are not alone in your feelings. You are completely normal. Its hard to make sense of something that doesnt make sense isnt it so youre doing well to even be getting out of bed each day. Your comment just tugged at me so deeply, I know what youre going through and I agree completely with the insensitive comments and the lack of understanding from people. Yes you may not have the cancer ritself but you may as well have! It seeps into every pore of your life doesnt it? and no one and I mean no one couldpossibly understand you unless they have been there themselves. My Mum has just lost her battle after 8 years of breast cancer. am aching so badly that its hard to breath. All throughout it she kept the best attitude, never said why me, was as social as ever, she used to go shopping or to the club directly after a chemo session. It wasnt until the last 12 months that she started to change and I suppose we should have seen it was the end coming but denial and hindsight..its easy to see now. My dad has been the worst since losing Mom as far as his anger and aggression and complete inability to talk to us normally. I was so worried about him and his grief and he has currently "wiped" me claimng he wants space. So Ive not only lost my MUm but now my Dad is distancing himself and I dont have the strength to argue or try and fix things. As far as your partner being so angry and anti-social...this is not good for him or for the family, however you are talking to a brick wall trying to get him to do what he doesnt want to. Its like an alcoholic, they have to admit they have a problem before they can receive help. Right now your husband is feeling very much the victim and the "why me" syndrome. Everyone is different how they handle their illness but he really needs to change that attitude to a more positive one if he is going to get through it because anxiety and anger is going to make him sicker then any runny nose of a seven year old is going to do. As for you, you need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of him. Not the other way around. Because if you fall down as well where does that leave the family?..the kids? I would say to your husbands mother and mate with their cruel comments that what type of mother and friend are they that they cant come and sit with him or help in some way to give you and the kids a break? People who arent dealing with what you are find it so easy to give criticism whilst doing nothing themselves to help. Funny that! You are not a whinger, sometimes I wonder if its just as hard if not harder for the family of a cancer patient for the simple fact that they also have the fear of losing their loved one, how the provider of the household is now no longer able to and it all falls onto you whilst still having to maintain as normal a household as possible, particularly for the children and then everyone still expecting you to be "normal" and "happy". What dont they understand for goodness sake!! The wanting to scream..oh I know it...and Im still doing it now..although for different reasons then you...but still the feeling of being lost and alone in all of it is so consuming and exhausting. I bet youre finding now who youre true friends are and who you want and need in your life? Ok..so what can you do?..well Im no expert by any means, the only thing Id like to suggest is a couple of things that do work for me but it is a long process just the same....firstly...talk to yur husbands doctor/oncologist about the not wanting to go out and the anti-social behaviour/paranoia about catching infections. Then the doctor can talk to him about it what his real limitations are. I never once heard my mums doctor say "now dont you catch a cold or youre gone" "dont get a cold coz the cancer will spread" Its ridiculous. Yes you do need to stay healthy and youre immune system is low and more susceptible to bugs but people continue to smoke, drink, eat fatty foods, go to work, go to parties etc during cancer and they're ok. I truly believe there is not a whole lot you can do to make it worse or better. So maybe if he hears it from a professional he might take notice. I dont think the Doctor would have told him to lock yourself up for the whole treatment. People dont get through cancer that way. My Mum lasted 8 years longer then she expected and I am certain its because she took on the attitude that she was " 'living' with cancer". Also, the cancer clinics offer all types of support services to patients and their families, ranging from domestic help to counselling. It might be worth a look at? Next I would say what aout writing all your thoughts and feelings into a letter to your hubby? This way its not a conversation that can be interrupted or dependant on his mood. You can write it all down how you love him so much and it breaks your heart that hes going through this but does he understand that you all are going through it too and the best way to get through it is to stick together and support each other. That if the worst case scenario happened and he lost to the disease wouldnt he want the family to have happy memories of their lives together. My Mum left us so many happy memories even during her treatment.Its getting us through losing her now. So if you see what I mean, write it all down and let him read it and see what happens. Hopefully it will make him see that for him to beat this disease he needs to take charge of his emotions. He is letting the disease rule him at the moment and its giving it power! Having said that, chemo does weird things to the patient and some of his moods are beyond his control, although as you said he was a moody person beforehand anyway. He is able to take anti-depressants during his treatment but they dont offer them to you unless you ask. This wont have any negative effect on hs treatment. In fact it can have the opposite, because he would feel better he would heal better too. Power of the mind is an amazing thing. Also, with your kids have a regular meeting with them where you all sit and discuss whats on their minds, a place to vent, to cry, to laugh, to understand each other. Do not be afraid to ask for help, when people ask is there anything I can do for you, say Yes! And more importantly take care of you! Dont feel guilty that you have some time out. One hour a day or one day a week. You need to. You cant afford to get sick, have a breakdown etc. For people that dont support you or understand you cut them off until you can handle them better. You dont need it. Your husband, its anyones guess whats going through his mind and why he is being the way he is, of course he deserves all the sympathy and support in the world. What a terrifying place to be in. But he has the easy part as far as he gets the sympathy easily no matter what. His cance ris his get out of jail free card so to speak. But as I said earlier you might as well have the cancer yourself because its "in your life".."it is your life" and that can be worse in the sense that a cancer patient csn lay down when they are tired or sick. You dont get that rest because youre well and "you dont have cancer". Oh I hope I have made some sense here. As I said, Im no expert, just someone who has gone through what youre going through and trying to relay some of what it was like and understanding exactly what youre saying about how youre feeling. I hope something from what I have said helps you o at least gives you some ideas on what to try or gain comfort in knowing that youre not alone in what youre feeling and that you are completely normal. Much Love to you. 🙂
