Carer for my dad and fighting with my loved ones

[lostsophie]

I am not new to cancer as my mum died 8 years ago from leukaemia and now my dad has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, it has brought up a lot of grief and sadness again. He is in his 3rd week of chemo, and I am his next of kin and only carer. I have 2 brothers that are older but need care too. He is their carer, so I guess I will be their carer too one day. I am also fighting with my boyfriend because I don't feel like doing anything except lying in bed and visiting my dad in between work. He wants me to face my fears and go out in public like normal but I just don't feel like it. When I have done, to try and please him, I can feel a panic attack starting and my anxiety levels are so high I just want to run home and hide, and I have done this twice now. He thinks I shouldn't run away and gets upset with me, but is it ok right now with all my grief and sadness? I feel like I am pushing my boyfriend away because I only have attention for myself and my dad at the moment. But I feel like these are the only things that matter right now. I am also finding it hard to care for my dad because he has always been so independent he pushes me away. We don't even say I love you to each other. I'm scared that we won't get to say this before it is too late. Even though his diagnosis is terminal, in that he has 3 months or 3 years depending on the chemo working, he says he is feeling fine and actually good after 3 weeks of chemo. Is he in denial? I am confused of my feelings, as I am feeling negative and not like socialising, and my dad is positive. Perhaps I should feel positive and live my life as if there is no cancer in my family. I don't know how to talk to people at the moment and feel like I don't really want to hear happy stories or their menial complaints about their life. I am also not telling everyone at work because I don't want everyone to ask me all the time, if my dad is ok. Is this normal or should I be forcing myself to socialise and act "normal"?

[little_stitcher]

Hi Sophie, this is such an awful time, and the only thing I can definitely tell you is that there is no normal. Everyone reacts differently in situations like this, there is no right or wrong way to feel or act. Please be gentle with yourself. Your reactions are completely valid (even if you always don't understand them!)and you'll do the best you can with each day as it is. Feel free to come here to vent and get support. Hugs, Emily

[little_stitcher]

Hi Sophie, this is such an awful time, and the only thing I can definitely tell you is that there is no normal. Everyone reacts differently in situations like this, there is no right or wrong way to feel or act. Please be gentle with yourself. Your reactions are completely valid (even if you always don't understand them!)and you'll do the best you can with each day as it is. Feel free to come here to vent and get support. Hugs, Emily

[Lecoll]

I too, know how you feel, not wanting to talk to people, and them asking how are things. I find I am hiding in doing things and being busy, it is a unreal dealing, my husband was diagnosed 4 months ago, and I feel it is like a bad dream, Watching him with his rapid weight loss turn into a frail unstable old man. Is just making me sick in the stomach, I think I can not rest at home, keeping up a bright atmosphere, it is really making me so tired.

[lostsophie]

Thanks Emily. Just writing that and getting it out helped alot and it's nice to know people care and are there.

[lostsophie]

Hi lecoll. Thanks for your msg. Tht sounds hard for you to not be able to rest at home. It is hard to always be positive and people telling you to stay positive especially when the prognosis is so bleak. My thoughts and prayers are with you for your husband. I feel like I'm in a nightmare too, we just take each day as it comes

[Jon44h]

Hi, I understand what you are feeling. We received my dad's result on 31st Aug 2013 that hes got lung cancer and it spread to his spine and pelvis. My world has turned around upside down but life must go on. My dad and my family are keeping strong because we have faith that he will be healed because there is nothing impossible with God. I advise you to seek God and find truth in His Word (bible). I love praying and just talking to God normally as if He is just here but really if you accept Jesus he will live in your heart. Only if you are open and willing. I am not worried at all. I like being around with friends but right now i lessened it because as much as possible i want to spend my time with my dad/family. He needs us more than ever. I created him a facebook account so people can send him messages or any encouragements on his wall. I downloaded viber on his phone so he could talk to his relatives all around the world at the same time. I send him Bible verses via sms everyday or write it on the whiteboard on our fridge. It is good to ponder on these things because it is the TRUTH. God bless you.