There are common themes in these forums - you can stumble into little bubbles of insight around having or dealing with cancer. One of the sad themes is where you'll sometimes read about how isolated and alone some people feel. They have little/no/estranged family, and can't think to face cancer by themselves.
Me ? Ohh what bliss that would be.
For me, the gravest (and ongoing) concern about cancer is surviving long enough that I do not subject my young children to the trauma of losing a father. In ten years, my youngest son will be turning 17. That's still a bit early, but OK - I can wear that on the chin. Ten years it is. Minimum survival required. My eldest will be 20ish, my middle guy who is autistic will be 18ish. Abandoning any of these children is a kick in the guts that completely unmans me. Even contemplating it ten years from now leaves me awake at night, staring into the dark, fretting. "Will my autistic guy be OK ? Will he stay strong and happy ? Will my death de-rail him ?"
So .. when you have significant people in your life, I personally think it's harder. Working out how and what to tell them is part of that.
So. My answers:
Partner. Well, she deserved to know. So I went from the hospital, home, sat her down and told her. Thing is there's TRUTH and there's truth and there's "truth". I carried the weight of some of the hard truths - there were just too many unknowns, and if I said stuff like "the doctor said that I have maybe 6 months if treatment doesn't work out" .. or "hey, I was reading online, and it looks like my type and staging of cancer has a raw survival rate of about 40%" .. well, she would zero in on some of that stuff and potentially break down. I'm not saying that I deceived her, or withheld crucial information or didn't have faith in her ability to cope - it's a little more subtle than that. I did a strategic and carefully considered diagnosis of what information was fit for release, and triaged accordingly. It's worth noting that this wasn't entirely heroic too - I needed her strong and sound of mind, it would only cripple me to find her awake crying in the night. It was basically a careful assessment of what was best, hard facts or massaged truth. So .. yeah, she had transparency - she was included in the clinic where we asked doctors more questions and learned more about the disease - but, basically I chose to give an immediate disclosure, but I always took a more optimisitic outlook than the raw facts might have justified. In retrospect, I still strongly believe that was the right choice. I think it's what she wanted and needed. Keep it as light and breezy as you can … until you can't.
Immediate family: I chose to withhold that it was a life-threatening illness from my children. I eased them into that daddy was 'quite sick' and that he had to visit hospital overnight a few times - they just didnt know it was for chemo. My intention was to ease them into the information as I myself had more discovery - and once I got the all clear after the treatment phase, I gave them a heavily curated version of it. If my prognosis had only deteriorated, at some point I would have sat them down individually and done my best to explain it - as well as recorded messages for them later in life, as they aged, so that they could have a little piece of me left over after I was gone.
Extended family: Kind of estranged, and over this experience they only showed me more of why that estrangement happened - so I cut them off completely. A disclosure was made, that's all.
Friends: I don't keep many friendships, only the extremely long-term and close kind. I explained my situation, and that I was tackling it head on and didn't want any distractions. They were there if I needed someone to talk to - but, I didn't. My personal preference was to 'circle the wagons' and focus my capacity and energy on fighting the disease, and on being with my immediate family.
Rest of the World: situational, if it's in some way meaningful to talk about it, I do. It's just another fact, unadorned by any kind of discomfort or awkwardness. If it's relevant to a situation, I talk about it, if it's not, I keep it private.
ONGOING:
It's probably worth exploring that cancer isn't a battle, it's a campaign. It might feel like, after seeing the white flag and winning the battle you think "aaah, it's over".
But it's not.
For the rest of your life (and especially for the next 5 years) recurrence fear will follow you around like an unwelcome shadow, potentially tainting or distorting a lot of the light you might otherwise have in your life.
You'll carry that anxiety. Especially in the first few years after treatment. Depending on the class of cancer, the side effects can be horrible. And every little cough, every choked up piece of phlegm, it reminds you of that chronic cough that brought you to the doctor and began the whole original diagnosis.
So you worry. And you have to decide who to share that with, and how much to share.
So you run through that list again - partner, family, friends, rest of world.
My two cents ?
Conventional wisdom, and anything from an entity (like cancer council) will be 'rest of the world' --- Support Groups ! Professional Help ! Naaah. Maybe that's for you, not for me.
Partner, Familiy ? Poor buggers, they've already been through the trenches, and may be feeling that they've come out of a tunnel. No need to drag them back in every time you start to worry about what that little lump is and is it going to kill you.
Friends ? Yeah, potential there - but it's probably worth being a bit tactical in how you use it - I mean, do you really want your time with your friend to be dominated by this disease which already dominates you ?
For me, the only answer winds back to that Manly Stereotype. Find your inner strength. Adapt and carry the weight of it yourself. Until you can't.
Is that ignorant ? Maybe. I think you become strong by solving your problems, and the first and best recourse is available to you right now. It's inside you. Try that. Focus on it. Develop it. Until it doesn't work. Then .. well, for this recurrence fear stuff .. maybe a counsellor or something.
But yeah, that's just me. Actually modelling your own patterns after mine would probably be inadvisable.
