HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Ralph1968,  I’m so sorry to hear about your wife and her diagnosis.  I have seen you have read some of my posts.  It’s so hard and even tho she has the cancer, you and your family also have the next best thing to having the cancer.  (Believe me when I say BEST is definitely not the right word) Cancer Sucks!  Is your wife getting treatment?  My husband was diagnosed June 18th, 2019 with Appendix Cancer. Metastasized thru out his abdomen.  We have done many rounds of chemo, major surgery HIPEC which he was good January 15, 2020 thru October 2020 and then spiraled downward.  He keeps going septic bacterial everytime we have a chemo treatment.  Now we have had to septic Fungal infections and he is on a antibiotic for the rest of his life.  He hasn’t eaten by mouth since November 2020.  He has a tunnel Picc line, g-Tube for drainage and hooked up to IV’s nutrients and antibiotics all day long.  I do everything for him, no nurses except Monday just to come do vitals and change his dressing and draw labs.  I am

doing everything since day one, but now I shower him and I also do injections and meds.  I will not have regrets, I wouldn’t be able to live with regrets.  If your wife is on a steroid I strongly suggest you talk privately to her dr.  The dr. Won’t eat you out.  If she isn’t on meds she could be upset with good reason with herself.  Mad that how could I get cancer?  What’s this going to do to my family? If she isn’t on a steroid, then tell the dr. How much this is killing you, but you can’t talk with her, have the dr. Sit with you both and tell the dr. To ask how you both are doing!!! When I say be honest, be honest…say it in front of your wife. How much your scared and love her and will and want to do anything you can for the woman you married and love. Do you both have kids?  I made these calls and just vented and when we went into his next appointment, she would say how are you doing Traci-Rene’e.  Honestly I would start crying.  But I will say once off the steroid, he was so different within a week, then two weeks later she took another steroid away from him and OMG, you would have thought I hit the jackpot.  He was nicer to me, kinder and well I’m here bc I saw your post.  You are an amazing husband!  Don’t you forget that!!! Ok.  No matter what is thrown your way, you’ve got this!  I know the outcome isn’t good.  My husbands dr’s told me he had 6 months to 18 months (which she said 18 months is honestly unrealistic) we just passed 3 years in June!  I am my husbands advocate!  I will tell an M.D.  what do you think I’m stupid bc you have a damn M.D at the end of your name.  I’m far from stupid and honestly all the dr’s and nurses and specialists say he wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.  So, I do want to add from day one my husband didn’t want to know how bad his cancer is!  He just wanted to fight. I have known since day 1…so when my husband says something, I act as I don’t know anymore than him, bc that’s what he wanted for all of us to not know and keep marching on till he got better.  So that is what we do!!! But I know the truth and it kills me inside.  I also lost my mom to Covid during this which was a double whammy.  My husband doesn’t barely get out of bed anymore.  The cancer has spread to his liver and now they see it on his upper lobes of lungs.  So I honestly feel for everyone and family member and caregivers out there, loving and carelessly giving and taking abuse from the one person we have so much love for.  Ralph1968 you’ve got this, stay strong! I also used this sight to vent and get my voice out there, so I suggest you do the same.  It honestly helps release what you can’t say to your loved one.  It helps you be heard.  It helps to get it off your chest and move on to the next minute.  I’m here and will listen and talk and I know a lot of other great people on this site will also chat with you.  Your not alone!!! Your stronger than what you think!  Your an amazing Husband!  Please don’t forget this….Your New Friend Traci-Rene’e

[Ralph1968]

Dear Traci-Renee,

Thank you so very much for your words.  I am praying for you and your family.  You and I understand the pain involved.  My wife and I have two children (24 & 19 yo).  My only wish was to make my wife happy and give her all of the love that I could during this awful time.  Instead, it has been a disaster.  My wife ignores me rejects me and when she does speak to me it is not very nice.  The other day even though she has been angry with me I asked her for a hug, she looked so beautiful.  She said no.  Being human I asked her why is this happening and how long she is going to remain angry with me.  She responded "forever."  I told her "forever is a long time."  She then raised her voice at me in front of her mother (who is staying with us by the way).  I just told her that I loved her and that I will never give up on us.  I also said that I am sorry for anything that I've done.  She is wonderful to everyone else but me.  I have been through it all with her.  I have cooked for her, appointments, made sure she has taken meds,  and has been devastated by her diagnosis.  I miss her.  She hasn't slept in the same bed with me since March.   I know that it isn't about me but it really hurts.  Now that both of our kids are out of the house I really thought that this would be "our time."  It has been nothing short of a disaster.  Once again, I am praying for you and your family.  Please stay strong and i sincerely thank you again for your wonderfully kind words.

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Ralph1968,  wow, we do have a lot in common.  I have 3 kids.  My daughter who is 25, and just gave us our first granddaughter/child 5 months ago yesterday.   I also have two amazing boys 22 and 19.  If the 1968 is the year you were born, I was born February 1969.  I asked you if she was taking a steroid?  Is she?  What are her treatments they still doing chemo?  You said she leaves the house, so she obviously gets around.  You need to get to the bottom of her anger.  I sad to here she doesn’t sleep in your bed with you.  But on the flip side when my husband was mean to me, I so didn’t want to sleep in the same bed.  I would call her dr.  Something is going on and someone needs to change a med..if your the only one she is mean to ,  sounds exactly how my husband was.  Nice to everyone else, but I was crap.  It was his steroid!!! So if she is taking a steroid ( for some reason that medicine makes them concentrate on one thing and the object here is you.  I was my husbands object…honestly I’m here if ya need to talk, bc I totally understand the loneliness Cancer can bring to our hearts.  What are your kids saying?  Hope to here from you soon.

your new friend Traci-Rene’e

[Ralph1968]

Hi Traci-Rene'e,

Congratulations on your granddaughter...you are blessed!  Yes, I was born January 1968.  My wife is currently taking Kisqali, synthroid (she had thyroid cancer), anastrozole and monthly lupron injections to put her into menopause.  None of these are steroids.  She is not doing chemo.  She needs to take the above medications everyday.  Aside from her diagnosis she is healthy and goes to work five days a week.  I feel that we are wasting time.  We should be enjoying each other and having fun but instead she is always angry with me.  For 25 years I have been a loyal and  faithful husband.  All I want to do is care for her. She doesn't want me to do anything for her.  She doesn't even want me to go with her for appointments.  Sometimes I just want to leave but I tell myself that it would be easy to do that.  I remember our vows "in sickness and health, for better and for worse."  It is definitely for the worse😊.  My son says I don't know why mom is doing this and my daughter doesn't want to talk about it with me.  

I hope that your husband and your family are doing well.  Please make sure that you are taking care of you Traci Rene'e.  I appreciate your encouragement very much.  Please stay strong, please stay well.

Best,

Ralph 

[Glenn1948]

This writer is in a similar position with my sister who was recently diagnosed with cancer. She has completely changed and very depressed with the anger creeping in.  The road ahead for her is not very encouraging according to her doctors. I have just joined this forum hoping for guidance.

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Ralph1968, 

Thank you, yes my granddaughter just turned 5 months and brings some sunshine in the house.  My house use to have laughter, smiles, giggles and happiness.   Now it’s filled with sad faces, no laughter and barely any smiles.  It’s like the my husbands cancer, is killing us all.  Which of course it does, but I mean it’s the hardest thing watching and always living in fear as I see my husband getting weaker day by day.  I’m 53 years old, this is a nightmare for me.  I always thought of getting married and living together till we are old and gray.  Life has thrown me so many curves, I’m numb…how has your wife been feeling?  How has she been with you?  Any changes?  I understand your kids don’t say much, but someone needs to step up and say Mum, why are you treating dad so terribly?  He loves you and this is killing him.  God don’t you wish we had a magic wand?  I lost my mom to Covid, when I told her, I’m gonna need you mom, when something happens to Rob.  Now I don’t have her.  There are days where I honestly think living is so much harder than dying.  I try and keep everything going, take care of everyone.  I wish for once someone would actually say hey mum how are you doing?   I just suck everything up, I don’t let my kids see me cry and believe me I cry.  Either in the shower or when I go to the grocery store.  I will sit in my car and just bawl.  You are a good man, sticking by your wife.  I know I’m a good wife for taking care of my husband.  It was really hard when he was on the steroids.  God I will be honest, at one point I thought what am I here for, nobody will miss me if I die or run away.  It was unbearable.  Now he is so grateful and I do everything to keep him calm.  He actually gets nervous when I’m not here.  Every medical professional says I’m his calm.  Which is nice to hear.  I have been praying for you and your family, and I’m not a religious person by no means!!! But prayers can’t hurt.  Thinking of you and your family.  Your new Friend Traci-Rene’e

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Glen1948, I’m so sorry to hear about your sister.  Was she just diagnosed?  What I have experienced with my husband, is that once told he had cancer he didn’t want to know any more.  He was like I’m gonna beat this.  I feel as tho, my opinion only.  That the dr’s are so cold, bc they deal with daily.  My husbands dr oncologist we told her we didn’t want to know, we just wanted to fight.  She has honestly respected our wishes.  I have to be honest, I know everything!!! My husband does not.  He probably does bc he knows his body and how he feels and doesn’t tell me bc I cry.  But every time I take him to the ER or hospital and he is admitted, these damn dr’s want to tell him the doom and gloom.  I have to stop them and sometimes I actually have to be a REAL BITCH!  Bc they come at us forcefully and say to me, he has every right to know and I just answer back 1.  We see an oncologist who specializes in cancer, if he wanted to know he would speak to her who is much more educated in cancer than you.

2.  As the dr’s say he has the right to know, MY HUSBAND has the right and wishes not to know!  So Dr. You need to respect his wishes.

these dr’s want to act all godly just bc they have a damn M.D to the end of their names.  I have no problem speaking my mind to them and have corrected them many times.  Our loved ones need strong advocates.  If I don’t like the way a conversation is going, I tell them to stop.  We don’t want to know, but thanks anyways.  My husbands oncologist told me in a private phone call just her and I that my husband only had 6months to 18 months.  But 18 months was unrealistic.  Well my husband was diagnosed June 18th 2019 and today is September 12th, 2022.  Yes 3 years and almost 3 months = 39 months…I’m starting to believe that maybe not knowing is better for the patient.  My friends wife decided to do the same as my husband and I.  She decided she didn’t want to know, and wants to fight.  Her husband knows more medically than she.  She has been fighting and looks good and goes for treatments and has lasted longer than expected.  I think the doom and gloom of knowing effects the person, whose been diagnosed.  Depression sets in and they push their loved ones away bc they know it’s gonna kill them if they pass.  ( it’s my belief only) but I’m seeing it in a lot of people at the cancer center.  My husbands dr, oncologist is kind and understanding and most of all respects my husbands decision not to know.  To me that is a Dr. That wears M.D with ❤️ Bc she cares for her patients with love, and respect.  
Please know you and your family are in my prayers.  You didn’t ask for what real advice you wanted.  So feel free to ask me and if I know I will share, but if I don’t I won’t pretend to know.  But I will definitely just listen and help you get your feelings off your chest.  Sincerely,

Traci-Rene’e

[Ralph1968]

Hi Traci-Rene'e,

I know exactly what you are going through.  Cancer destroys everything in its path.  Like you and your husband we had so many plans.  I feel helpless.  I am very happy that your husband realizes how lucky he is to have a wife who loves and supports him like you.  I am very sad to hear about your Mom.  She is your angel and she will guide and protect you.  As of now, nothing has changed and it is unbearable.  I just want to love and support my wife through this horrible illness.  She is very angry at me.  99% of the time I am very patient but sometimes I ask her if she will ever stop being angry at me.  I've apologized for things that I don't even know that I have done.  It just seems that there is nothing that I can say to make things better.  Prior to her diagnosis like any other married couple we would have a disagreement and in a day or so it would be okay.  Once this happened, I am public enemy number 1.  It really hurts.  I just want my wife to stop ignoring and rejecting me.  I am not looking for anything in return...just kindness.   You and your family are in my prayers.

Your Friend,

Ralph