I can’t cope with my terminally ill husband

[M74]

My husband was diagnosed with bowel cancer 8 months ago. I have 2 children from a previous relationship.The camcer is terminal and he could have between 6 months and 2 years to live. He has been receiving palliative chemotherapy every 2 weeks for 7 months and at present is holding back the cancer. Living with him is living hell for me and my children. I found out a lot about him when he was in hospital for 3 months. He hadn’t been working consistently, hadn’t paid bills or loans including a car loan and had been cheating on me. He was gambling thousands of pounds of money away every month and when he went into hospital I was left with no money to pay the rent or bills

he is out of hospital and I work 50 hours a week as well as doing everything at home and struggle to make ends meet. Despite that he spends the day in bed watching TV or scrounging money off people which he uses to gamble. He hardly speaks to me except to be verbally abusive and call me names and tell me how much he hates me. He makes every minute of mine and my children’s life a misery when we are at home. I have tried to separate from him but he threatens me and says I will be sorry when he dies. I am literally at my wits end, exhausted and cry on the way to work and back every day. Am I wrong to not want to be with him?

[little_stitcher]

Hi M74, this certainly sounds like an extreme situation.  I think you need to check in with his treatment team and let them know what things are like at home- they will be able to advise you if the cancer or the drugs could have effected your husband's moods or caused a personality change.  If so, they could maybe prescribe something that would help him.

I belong to a facebook forum for women whose husbands have cancer ( 'Caring for Husband's with Cancer'- you'd be very welcome to join, and they are really supportive), and there have been a few instances of this kind of thing.  Our consensus is that having cancer does not give someone the right to be abusive, and that everyone deserves to live in peace and safety- including you and your kids.  There are resources out there to help you deal with this, please use them- you're not alone. 

Huge big hugs, Emily

[moe]

I am sending you my love and support. I too am going thru this with his anger and aggression. It is pretty miserable to live with. Let us both hope to get some help.

[Timebandit84]

I’m so sorry to hear your situation  I find the cancer and chemo treatment have altered my mums personality it really does change people and it’s not always in positive meaningful way stressful situation can bring out the worst in people and when they loose  sense of control they try anything to get some control back in there life  by trying to control and manipulate others  . ask yourself would you really be sorry if he died and you had left him when you are so unhappy . No one should have to put up with daily verbal and emotional abuse , yes sometimes people can not control there emotions but if they is a consistent occurrence then this is unfair .You my find that you can support him better if you are living together.