Hi Tamara
I lost my dad 18 months ago to terminal cancer, I’m 29 and am getting married next year. He only met my partner twice on skype and unfortunately I was living in London when he died. I frantically flew home when I found out he was going downhill and missed his passing by six hours.
Coming from me, make sure you spend as much time with him as you can. Tell your kids about who he was before the cancer (if they are old enough to understand) so they know he was a great man before he got sick. My dad wrote a few stories for my sister’s kids; I cherish these little books now (we all got copies). I wrote my dad a letter telling him exactly what he meant to me and how grateful I was to have him, which my sister read to him whilst he was in his final days. When I have kids, they will know exactly who their grandfather was.
Your mother is going to need lots of support, my mother is still struggling with my dad’s passing. They were together 40 years and I’ve told her that she needs to be kind to herself, no one actually expects her to “get over it” – just to find an area of peace and happiness. I would advise her to join a support group, if your father passes she will need lots of people to talk to. She will need to make new friends, especially other widows/single women if possible. My mum is surrounded by couples which is hard for her because she feels like the odd one out and it makes it difficult to find people to go on holiday with/go out dancing with etc. Things like hobby groups are good too.
How do you go on? Well you take it one day at a time, break down together if you need to, try to keep upbeat around your dad because it will be really tough for him. I loved my father more than I can actually put into words; he was my hero and a great man. I go on because I know he would shake my shoulders and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself; life is for living and not to waste my life with sadness.
I miss him all the time but I don’t bother with the guilt’s or what if – I was living my dream when he passed away, something he was so proud of and supportive of. I am grateful for the time I did have with him, whilst it was too short; I got to have the best father in the whole wide world. One who taught me the meaning of being a good person, being brave and being an adventurer. He shaped who I am and he lives on through me and my siblings.
I’m sure your dad would feel exactly the same. So in summary: spend as much time with him now as possible, tell him what he means to you, be kind to yourself, understand that grieving takes time, try not to mourn what you’ll miss – be grateful for the time you had with him and keep the strong, masculine, bold, wise, handsome and healthy man alive in your memories and stories to your children.
Take care
