My husband was diagnosed/treated with bowel cancer in Dec 2013. He had successful surgery (thank goodness no stoma bag) and went through 6 months chemo. He suffered with neuropathy from the treatment (affecting his fingers, toes and genital functions). He also has diabetes which creates its own autonomic neuropathy, so the two together has caused a stronger and longer lasting neuropathy. In Dec 2014 he had a secondary liver mets.
All in all, as far as cancer journeys go, we have had a very positive experience. I love and support him with all my heart and I have done everything for him relating to his illness. I work in the medical industry so the colleagues I work with have been a massive support in this challenge, and I could not have gone through this without them in my life. I have had the benefit of having his surgeries at my work, been recommended to some of the best surgeons in Melbourne, so we have been so very fortunate and lucky in that respect.
My reason for coming here is that I am looking for a starting point of getting support. I would like my husband and I to be able to talk to a counsellor or a group of like minded people. I know what I am experiencing is happening to others, but I cant find forums where people are openly talking about this. Its private and personal and I understand why some people cant talk about it. But its a big part of who I am and the side effects of cancer have changed one very big part of our relationship.
We are both young. The effects of the chemo treatment (and his diabetes) neuropathy has affected his sexual function. For 12 months while he had the cancer, surgery, chemo and recovery, we didnt have sex (and rightly so, he was at his worst and suffering). I was by his side through every step of the cancer process. Then for the next 6 months as he was given the all clear, and getting back to normality, the sexual aspect didnt improve. His stamina, his libido and the functioning of his anatomy didnt work like they used to. We spoke to our GP and tried all manner of things (Cialis pills) to no avail, no improvement. He feels at this point his sexual function is worsening. We dont know if it will get better. He feels like he has failed me, he is not the man I married and cant do to me what he used to (and that was a major part of our life, our relationship). Intimacy is so very important to the both of us (moreso myself).
We are a very open minded couple and we communicate extremely well. We can talk about anything with each other. He was always able to tell me what he was going through at each stage of his journey, if he was unwell, tired, feelings and emotions, what he needed etc. We still hug and kiss, and talk and comfort each other, but the sexual intimacy and connection is lost. So .... we went down an unconventional path. We are now in an open polyamorous relationship. I didnt want to leave my husband, but we needed to deal with the loss of intimate relations, and he didnt want to lose me. He said he didnt own me, and knew it was important to me, that I had supported him for so long through his cancer that it was the least he could do for me. So, for the last 18 months I have one partner who is a big part of our lives. He and my husband are friends. We juggle the relationships and time with each other quite well. I am back to my very happy self (which my husband knew was lost, he could see how no intimacy in my life suffocated me and put such a strain on my inner being).
My husband also has a partner and they share a sexual intimacy at times. She is not aware of how good he was previously, so she cannot understand the loss that has come between my husband and I. My husband sees the wonderful connection I have with my partner, and of course he deals with the ups and downs of emotions from this. He is not a jealous man in the slightest (he has compersion) but has a hard time dealing with what has been lost.
He hates what cancer has done to him and to his body, especially at such a young age. And that things will never be the same again. We are both so grateful he is alive. But every time we talk about it or try to be intimate, we are only reminded of what cancer has taken from us. He says that sometimes, the cure and outcome has been worse. We are strong and have each other, but there are times he wants to walk away and allow me to have a life full of the love that he cant give me, and another man can. But we still have so much life and living to do together. We are best friends, have a lovely home, wonderful friends and family and support, our jobs and pets etc. But one part of our relationship has decimated his outlook, and changed so much. We never thought we would be in an open relationship, but here we are. We make it work, and it does, but often he says "I wish it was just us again", and he and I know it will never be the same again.
How do you deal with these intense emotions and what we have been left with after the last 3 years? I would love to hear other peoples comments about how the affects of cancer and treatments have affected their sexual intimacy, how you cope, how you deal with the emotions, how you deal with the needs. I know it is different for a lot of people, but it is a very important part of two people. And this has been lifechanging for us.
Are there support groups or professionals that deal with this specific nature. We are dealing with everything else very well.
