My Fiancee, soon to be Wife.

[ianaglyphred]

My loving fiancee has Stage IV Metastatic Lung Cancer that has it's roots in several other vital areas of her body, namely her brain and her spine as the most vital. Others are bone (which was thankfully treated until remission, fingers crossed) and it is unknown if her Liver and Kidney's will be or are affected also. Treatments for her have been whittled down to only a view, mostly they think a combination of Avastin (which has a 90% chance of killing her) and something else would be the best combination. Most other treatments are palliative, even the Chemo, nothing has shrunk any tumors, only stopped the growth, and they don't want to operate as they have said there is no point. That and the risk of complications and the recovery issues were another issue. She is currently doing her apprenticeship in mechanical fitting and is working around microscopic particulate called Silica, which has put her at increased risk of Silicosis due to being immune-compromised. This all said and done, her family knows nothing about her Cancer, nothing at all. She has made the choice not to tell them out of fear that it would cause her mother to have a heart attack, because of this, I am the only one that knows the full extent of what she is going through. I am also sworn to secrecy, not to tell her family or my own... I, myself, am far from being mentally stable (as mentioned in my about me for this page). What I want to know is, what the hell do I do? I can't really cope anymore, I had no mental defenses to begin with. I have no one to really talk too. I see a psychiatrist, but only once a month because they are expensive. Living in Tasmania doesn't help either. Any ideas, opinions or points of where to go too?

[deniseford]

Hi Timothy It is a lot to deal with....and even though you should respect her wishes, it is unfair on you. Talk to her and tell her how it is affecting you, maybe some combined counselling might help with how to approach and tell your families. I really feel for you....as I don't think I could cope without the support of our families. If she still insists on the secrecy, maybe a Cancer Carers Support Group....as well as this site, which has unfortunately lots of Carers who are more than willing to be listen. It is extremely important that your health both physically and mentally is looked after....as you are going to need to be very strong. Hugs Denise

[ianaglyphred]

She won't change her mind about telling her family and I have now decided not to press the issue as it always causes a rift or argument now. I've really tried getting her to open up to her family, but she bluntly refuses on the grounds of her mother's wellbeing. She sent me the following links to articles, and says that this is how she feels pretty much. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2100684/Why-doctors-like-die-endure-pain-treatment-advanced-cancer.html http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2075133_2075127_2075099,00.html She pretty much said, that if it wasn't for her love for me she probably wouldn't bother with treatment. I mean, is this normal?

[kasianne]

Hi Timothy I have to say you come across as a very caring person and although you have mental health issues yourself you seem to be coping with this very difficult situation as best as you can. I was the patient in my relationship and even though I had moments of 'why has this happened to me' and 'how am I going to get through this' my husband was a great support and this also made me realize as we as the patient are the ones with all the support and the carer just has to try and get on as best as they can. So far I have been lucky and I no longer have cancer after treatment and surgery but I reached the realisation that I had the easy bit really as I attended appointments, slept when I needed to, when I felt too tired food was bought to me and people went out of their way to assist but my husband had to try and continue working, fit in helping me out with hospital appointments and all the household stuff for a while. Although your fiancés wishes need to be respected she also needs to look at how are her family going to feel when she has gone and then find out she had known for a while and they were not given the chance to help support you both through this difficult time. This is not only emotionally but also with some of the daily aspects of life. I bet her mother is stronger than she thinks and it is just an excuse saying it will give her a heart attack and it comes across as a form of denial of her situation, if she doesn't tell anyone else then it isn't really happening. I read one of the articles that you posted the links to and that gives the reasons for declining treatment not for refusing to tell people. As Denise recommends I think you should try and source out some joint counseling, try the cancer council. Your fiancé needs to remember that when her time comes you will be left behind to try an deal with the aftermath of your feelings and trying to get back to some sort of normality and the more people you have to assist you with this the better. Unfortunately this horrible disease does not just affect the person with the tumours. Take care and my thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

[Melanie]

Oh Timothy, such a hard position to be in! I could not cope without our family & friend support. As Kasianne mentioned- we the carers- often get left behind, forgotten- everyone worrying & helping to patient, not noticing the carer who has not had sleep for the last 2 days. As a carer, the one thing I have learnt is - you HAVE to put yourself first. Care for yourself & and keep yourself well (including mentally) Call the cancer council- they should be able to help with counselling (they talked about free counselling when I called them) Maybe ask them the question of what to do- Personally, I would tell the family. If one of my children were terminally ill & I didn't know until it was too late- I would never forgive myself- I would never recover from that. Yes, she is ill, but that doesn't give her the right to be completely self centred. Everyone deserves the right to be able to say things they wouldn't normally be able to say. I hope you can sort it out- you need help to do this hugs Mel

[maddie86]

hi there my fiance had cancer... he unfourtunatly passed away last year as my husband. We got married a month before he died... as much as his family stressed and actually made things harder for us i am glad it wasnt 'all on me'. I found it so hard to deal with his emotions and my own.. it was really tricky when he got very sick and started the pallative care because there is so much involved... i think you need to have a chat to your fiance about what you feel, saying you respect her but what about your own feelilngs? i know this is awful but if she passes away from this her family will blame you for not telling them... trust me! my husbands family blame me for everything act like im in the wrong when really they are just grieving and dont know who else to blame. Her family have a right to know because they love her... i hope you are doing the best you can right now and please message me if you need a chat. What your going through isnt easy at all. My husband died a different man and i felt so very alone... take care xoxo