My husband

[Sadallthetime]

In late December of 2018 my husband was diagnosed with sinus cancer. We were devastated. This was not the first time my husband had cancer, he also had it 8 years ago, (prostate cancer) they removed it, he did 13 weeks of radiation and he was cancer free. With the sinus cancer, it was a whole different ball game, because it's now in your head. After 7 weeks of radiation, the tumor is gone! However, there is a small area inside his nose, the doctor feels it is scarring from the radiation, and will go away on it's own. The doctor has booked an MRI for August 12, just to be sure it is scarring. In the meantime, since the radiation has stopped, my husband is a different person, he is mean, angry, impatient and really just impossible to be around! He has alienated our children who were so very supportive and helpful and loving while he is going through this. Now me, I am just his slave...I wait on him hand and foot. We have been married for 35 years and I adore my husband and have always taken care of him. He is so mean to me and says terrible things to me...I think it's getting close to the kids and I leaving! Actually, let me rephrase that.... We are leaving, because I can no longer take the abuse...my health isst risk!!!!!

[Katekat]

Hi @Sadallthetime,

Sorry to read of your experience 

I can see you're in Canada, we're an Australian site but I am familiar with the greater Toronto area, so I am sending you an email with some support services that may be of assistance.

Please do take care and let us know how you get on 

Here are some other resources that may be of interest:

• Information for carers of people with cancer
• Emotions and cancer - downloadable pdf booklet
• Our podcasts, a number of these focus on different aspects of the cancer journey and the impact on families.

[RJG]

Hi Sadallthetime,

How terrible for you. The person you love and who needs you most appears to be completely rejecting you. I have seen this myself, but not quite to the same extent and it ws from the other side to you.

There was a period where I was rather VERY intollerant of my wife and particularly in relation to what I saw as wasting money. I didn't mean it and wasn't really aware of how bad I was. And it was worst with those who were closest to me - as if I assumed that they could take it better than those not so close.

Fortunately for me, my wife was strong enough to confront me about it. I needed a jolt much like a (figurative) whack over the head with a lump of 4x2. After a bit more yelling and some crying (from both sides) came the hugs, kisses and commitments to change (mostly on my side).

It is terrible that the subconscious coping strategies of some people comes across as rejection of those who are needed most. Understanding that it is not just you and your partner who are going through this is hopefully a step towards giving you strength to tackle the problem. All you can do is try.

For him, the worst scenario will be that he will not hear you and will be left to cope on his own (I think back to chemo treatment where there was a fellow who caught the bus to chemo, spent the day on his own and then had to catch the bus home again faced withthe task of making dinner for himself that he would have to force himself to eat).

For you, even if he continues to reject your assistance, it probably can't get much worse than it already is.

Provided that he is not physically abusive, be strong and confront him about it. Paint the picture for him about how lonely it will be for him to deal with it all alone, because that is the way it is headed. If he is physically abusive, you probably need to get out NOW!

If the confronttion doesn't make any difference, then at least you tried.

Best wishes,

Rick