My partner has broken up with me because of his cancer

[Sharon1]

Hi Everyone.

Gee, I am going to sttuggle to write this without bursting in to tears.  

My partner has been battling colon cancer these last two years. Three weeks ago he found out that it had spread to his spleen. He is 54.  His chemo, because of the metastasis, has dramarically increased. It is affecting him terribly. Because of this, yesterday, he told me that he wanted us to seperate, that he wanted to be alone.  I love him so much and told him that I refuse to accept this.  He mentioned things like being a burden and asking me what kind of relationship is this as we hardly see each other (we live separately). I feel so strongly that I must be here for him, not accept his decision and stay committed to him. He has a lot going on in his life including young children and an upcoming stressful court appearance with his ex.

He said that he is feeling incredible pressure and just wants to give everything away and that he is living hour to hour. Seems as though I am the first casuality of this. I know it is depression, inability to cope with everything, a degree of self pity and a desire not to drag me in to it any further, as he feels he cannot be who he believes he needs to be for me in this relationship.  I, on the other hand, am absolutely crushed by his decision. He may very well go in to remission and he said that if he were not sick, we would be together. He says he loves me but he thinks that this  (the cancer) will never go away.

What do I do?  My gut tells me to fight this and wait for him to feel better no matter how long it takes. What do others think? I know at the end of the day that I must make the right decision for me though I am also desirous of someone to tell me what I am wanting to do 'is right'. Weird, I know. Any advice appreciated.

[little_stitcher]

Hi Sharon1, I really feel for you.  What a horrible situation! 

Objectively I would say let him know you are there for him as soon as he wants, then give him some time and space to let him work things out for himself.  It may be that he only needs a couple of weeks to untangle his thoughts, then he'll feel ok to have and be a partner again.  Is there anyone (family member of his etc.) who will be able to keep you apprised of his condition during this time, so you're not left wondering how he's doing?

Of course,that's the most optimistic advice, and even so very difficult to actually put into practice.  I remember I never felt more 'married' than when my husband was going through chemo, so I can imagine how difficult is the idea of staying away from him at this time. Ultimately you will do what is best for the both of you.  I wish you all the good luck in the world.  Big hugs!  Emily

[Sharon1]

Hi Emily,

Thank you for responding.  I cannot articulate how nice it is to hear from someone in the same or similar boat.

In answer to your question: Is there anyone (family member of his etc.) who will be able to keep you apprised of his condition during this time, so you're not left wondering how he's doing?

No.  He hasn't told any of his family, mother, sisters, brothers...they are all in the dark.

His kids know that he is sick but they do not know from what.

Apart from a work colleague and a good friend, I am the only other person.  I am not in contact with the other two people so cannot ask them and he keeps things pretty much to himself.  A continuation, most likely, of not wanting to burden others nor wanting others to feel sorry for him.  I can contact his family but he would never forgive me if I betrayed his confidence in revealing how sick he had become.  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He is particularly stubborn on these types of things.  He has even refused to get / go to any counselling sessions.

I feel very, very, lost at sea in this situation.  

Regards,

Sharon

[little_stitcher]

Hi Sharon, it does sound really hard, especially as he's only told a couple of people what's going on.   Keep venting here, and know we're all cheering you both on.  love Emily

[Sharon1]

Thanks Emily. 🙂

[Katekat]

Hi @Sharon1 and welcome!

So sorry to read what you are going through right now, it must be very difficult for you both.

Please do stay in touch and let us know how you are going