Fought hard for two years advanced stage 4 renal cell carcinoma. I’ve found a home for my two cats I’m devastated I’ll be leaving them as they stood by me the last two years my question is... do I wait and die horribly or just eat a handful of pills. I don’t want anyone to find me dead and rotted but I know what comes next. My cancer is now moving up my spine into my brain and I’m terrified of how bad and how painful it’s gonna get
ive tried everything diet weird herbal stuff unfortunately it slowed the cancer but in the end looks like I lose.
Aside from offering sympathy, my advice on self-termination is a firm NO.
Pain comes and goes. And it can be managed. Even if you think you've got hours or days rather than weeks and months, even in that scenario, I'd suggest trying to squeeze something meaningful out of that time.
Rather than suicide, you could get zonked out on painkillers and choose ... whatever that one thing is for you - that one obsession. Get all your money and an endless line of prostitutes, if that floats your boat. Go and pick fights with strangers, if that's therapeutic for you. When time is short, you have the unique benefit of being able to put to one side that big bag of shits that you're supposed to give in normal circumstances, and move forward unimpeded. It doesn't have to be antisocial - in my case there might be a little of that, but yours could be sweet and wholesome.
(But yeah, youre free from worrying about tomorrow, worrying about what people think, and that is, in a way, liberating. "I don't give a shit" is often a gesture of despair ... but leaving baggage behind and CHOOSING what to do with your remaining time should lead you to some kind of pathway other than suicide)
If it's unknown how much time you have left and you're just scared .. then I'd talk to my doctor:
a) about managing depression, pain and suicidal thoughts; and
b) about getting on a palliative care / quality of life program to minimise the suffering for my time that's left; and
c) about getting on any clinical trials, immunotherapy, that kind of thing -- I had a close family member who was due to die within '2-3 weeks' and he got on an immunotherapy trial and lived another 5 years.
Anyway, I'm not projecting this onto you, not telling you what to do, just offering my own firm perspective. You have cats. I have three young kids. I get that it's a different proposition, but the basic premise is the same: YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.
We all have to die. Embracing it is stupid. There is still time available to you. USE IT.
Whatever it is that you love, whatever that obsession is, even if there's a bully from high school you always wanted to punch in the face. List it down and (without blaming me in the event of later police attention!) go for it. That's my suggestion, in lieu of popping pills and ending it.
You're afraid of pain. OK. Nobody likes pain. But pain isn't the only thing. And it passes. And once we suffer it, we usually find that it's not half as bad as the ANTICIPATION of pain was. The flinching before the blow (which is what you're doing now).
Fuck that. Get some heavy pain med from your cancer doctor and go and see some movie marathons or something. As long as that essential piece of spirit inside you that makes you .. YOU .. is still there and functional, killing yourself is (just in my opinion) the gravest mistake available to a human being.
I'm sorry to hear about your cancer and that you've had to spend 2 years fighting it. I really am.
These subjects are always difficult. There are no easy paths. There really aren't.
If you decide to stay us a little longer, you're right. You might spend some time in pain. But have you discussed with your doctor what options there are for pain management?
Do you have people who can check in on you?
Could you go in to hospital? What plans can be put in to place?
Who can help care for you?
Have you discussed advanced care directives?
Medical power of attorney?
I want you to make an educated decision.
A suicide attempt is no guarantee. You could end up in a situation where the suicide attempt fails and you end up in a situation that is potentially worse than the one you are in now.
I can tell you this because I've met and talked to these people.
But if ending it early so that you have some dignity and the end is close and there is no quality of life, I would be checking my options on https://exitinternational.net/.
I wish you well and if there something I can do to help you, please let me know.
I read your post and wondered what I would do in your situation. I honestly don’t know. I thought about not replying, but then decided I would. I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I understand how difficult things are for you.
I don’t really have any advice for you other than to say that there might be other people here or elsewhere who can give you advice...or who can at least listen to you. For me personally I feel better sharing my worries with friends...or failing that, with complete strangers on the Internet. There are lots of us here. We might not all reply, but we are listening. When I share my woes, I might not actually get any resolution or direction, but the process of sharing is in some way liberating and that freedom makes me feel better.
Nobody knows what the future holds, but I wish you well. You can vent here, or seek professional help. Either way, there will always be someone willing to listen. Sometimes asking questions isn’t just about the answers...it’s about clearing your mind of the thing you are focussing in.
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