My memories...

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My memories...

My husband died from general skin cancer that he fought valliantly for many many years. When we initially received the terminal diagnosis and throughout his 6 months of palliative radiotherapy he became very withdrawn, angry; pushing me away and raged against all that I was offering. Like others I sought counselling to adjust my behaviours as what I was doing only seemed to cause more angst and grief. He also on my 50th birthday and on our 27th wedding anniversary continued to push me away with anger - all I believe to be directed towards making his final steps of less impact - as if they ever would. It is so very very lonely to lose the love of your life and to know they lose all of us - they do not give up the fight, valliantly challenging the beast with all that they have - just sometimes the arrows are relentless regardless of their commitment. My strive to believe that they remain with us and there for us when needed. It's just that I am so very selfish and sorely miss his physical presence that I am raging against totally accepting his new journey. I have been told hearing is the final sense to go... Craig's IPod had been blaring out his music choices non-stop for 5 days both at home and during his final 3 days in palliative care and during his last hours, every song of the 600+ that are recorded were ones that he either loved, held close and sang along to....something to hold on to - keep talking, TAPPS: tolerance, acceptance, patience, persistence and self-control....not easy but so very very true.
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Re: My memories...

Dear smarty/a/p....:-) Sorry to hear of your loss, but you sound braver than your making out...you sound very strong...I hope life pans out for you now...ps I love the acronym TAPPS.... Greg & De
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Re: My memories...

I wish I was strong, but I am a puddle
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Re: My memories...

so even with time, nothing changes but the date on the calendar.....so alone in all this, struggling to engage in daily life, find myself staring into the abyss of this 'new' normal - nothing is what is was nor is what it should be and this 'now' is not even a very pleasant space or place to be.  all is bleak and dark.... i cry

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Re: My memories...

I'm so sorry things are still so hard, but I'm so glad you're posting back on here. Sending you big cyber hugs. Emily

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Re: My memories...

I feel your greif, I am feeling the same way. Can't get past how lonely i am feeling even when there are people around me. My husband passed a couple of weeks ago from myelodesplastic syndrome 3 months after diagnosis. He was only 45 ,we spent 24 years together and spent almost everyday together, as we had no children we had a connection that most of our friend and family dont understand. I cared for him at home in the final stages as he didnt want to go to hospital. I am finding it hard to get the memories of the last week out of my mind. It was the most challenging and heartbreaking thing I have ever done. Can't see a way past the sadness as another day goes by.

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Re: My memories...

hugs to you Leesnell - sadly I do understand your experiences and pain.......my prayers are for your kind travels through this dreadfully difficult time. holler out if ever you need ....<3 amanda.
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Re: My memories...

Hi,

thanks your thoughts. It is still very hard to get use to the fact that he is no longer here. The loneliness I feel is hard to describe. Losing that connection you have with a person you love so deeply  is probably the hardest part for me to cope with. 

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Re: My memories...

Just when I think I am doing ok I wake up and am a complete mess. It’s seems to be getting harder the more time that passes. I just miss the connection we had, that totally understanding that we had of each other without having to even talk about things, the intimacy, just having someone to share things with or to give advise when needed. 

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