Struggling

[LostatSea]

I feel lost and sad. It hits me in waves I have this weird sense of normality when I first wake up then the reality sets in and I struggle. My dad lost his battle with lung cancer on the 2nd October 2020 he was diagnosed exactly two months earlier and it was just this vicious downward spiral after his diagnosis. I miss him so much it hurts so badly. Every time I close my eyes I see him lying in that hospital bed and it just kills me. He was my favourite human in the whole world the one person who always had time for me and I just wish I had more time. I am one of four siblings. I am the third child and I really struggled with his funeral. I had to plan majority of it on my own and also had to write and read his eulogy and I think that really broke me. I spent that entire week just numb not crying or really feeling anything and I have two children of my own but I don’t think I’m dealing very well. I have never really been good with my emotions and I rarely cry but these last few weeks have seen more tears than I have my entire life time which I suppose is understandable but I still find myself getting angry I think I turn my sadness to anger as I find it an easier emotion to deal with. I really need help I am am not being the mother I need to be for my kids and I have no one to talk to. Please tell me this gets easier..... he took a part of me when he died and I try but I just can’t get it back.

[Budgie]

Hi @LostatSea,

Yes, it should get easier over time, but, in the meantime you need help.
There's nothing wrong with crying, so cry as much as you need to.
Talk! Talk to your family & especially to your children. Talk to counsellors. You can speak with someone from the Cancer Council on 131120, you can call Lifeline, or a priest. You can talk to a friend or talk to us here on this site. Its hard to come to terms with loosing someone you love, so talking about it is a wonderful way to cope.
Did your father have a hobby? If so, is it something you would care to take up? That could be a way to feel connected with him.
Take as much time as you need to grieve - everyone is different. Just don't keep it bottled up, & don't think you're alone. There are people who will listen & can help.

All the best

Budgie

[LostatSea]

Thank you. I really struggle to open up to people. I love my family but they are worse off then me and I feel much like I am the one holding them together but I find myself breaking when I have alone time or my mind wanders. He loved football and I use to play myself but broke my foot last year and haven’t taken it back up. I think that is a lovely idea to feel connected to him still. He loved to watch me play and loved hearing about how the game went! It was something special o shared with him. Thank you from the bottom of my heart I feel like that is exactly what I need. I hope you have a wonderful day you truely are an angel thank you! Sometimes just having a stranger txt back shows people really do care. 

[Budgie]

I'm sorry you've broken your foot. I know they take a long time to heal properly. Even if you can't play anymore, are there other ways you could be involved?

If your family are all struggling, maybe you could find somewhere that will give you group therapy sessions? It's just an idea to think about. You ate right in saying that sometimes a stranger is best to talk with - there's no preconceived ideas etc. I hope you find some relief. 🙂

[LostatSea]

thank you. My foot had mostly healed I haven’t played any sport since I broke it. I Think you have helped me to realise that half my issue is I am an active person and I have reverted into myself and I guess in a way I was angry that the world didn’t mourn with me it’s silly I know. I also think family therapy could be a very helpful experience if only I could convince my family. My sister and mum would be happy but I think it may be a pain to convince my brothers to try but I think for my own sake and the sake of my beautiful children that I need to try something. I needed this chat thank you so very much.

[Budgie]

That's what we're here for. 😉