Why did I feel this way?

[Taffy10]

After my Dad got diagnosed, I was with him every day and night.   I slept about 3 hours a day.     He lasted 6 weeks.   Darkest time of my life.   Can someone please explain to me why during this time, I didn’t want to hug my family, I didn’t want to touch anybody.   I broke up with my fiancé because I felt as if there just wasn’t enough room in my heart at the time.   I can remember thinking, please don’t hug me, please don’t grab my hand.   Why did I feel this way?   I got over it, but it took a while.  He passed in 07, and this still haunts me.   Does anyone have any thoughts?

[sch]

Hi Taffy10,

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and the effect that it had on you. My father also passed away from cancer around the same time.

When my Father passed away I was left emotionally exhausted. I didn't have any emotional energy left to spend on a 3rd party.

Perhaps you just didn't have the energy left to also spend on your fiancé? Maybe he also had needs, but after you Father, you just didn't feel as though you had anything else left to give?

-sch

[iloveyoudearly7]

Hello,

I'm sorry that you had to endure such an experience. I think what Sch suggested was right on the nail, so to speak. 

Mental exhaustion can have many affacts on a person. E.g. You didn't wish to be hugged/touched by anyone as you were trying to somehow create an "barrier/wall" to protect yourself from outside or new potential damaging stimuli.

As a result, when people don't touch you, they tend to leave you alone with your thoughts. So this gave you more opportunity to process your thoughts and feelings. Since stressful events can feel surreal for a long period of time.

But that's just my theory anyway.

[DiH22]

What you felt is very normal after a loss. You are protecting your heart and soul from emotional pain.

I was just this way after losing the most important person in my life. I was emotionally spent as were you.

It takes time to heal, you will. If you are not coping don't be afraid to seek out a psychologist who will guide you through the grief process. Be patient and loving with yourself.

[Justjoe]

I'm sorry for your loss. I can tell you I know exactly how you felt. I didn't want anyone hugging me because I was afraid I would break down. I shed enough tears when o was alone but I had to remain strong.  I wanted to run when someone would approach me. I could not lose it until I was ready. It is also one of the things we are able to control since we couldn't control the cancer. Please don't let it haunt you anymore, cancer has robbed us enough. You felt what you felt and you are allowed to feel what you want or need to feel. After losing my parents I felt like an orphan even though I'm an adult, this is also normal. Grief lasts a lifetime because grief is a testament of the love we feel.