The waiting game! ! its killing me ..

[mik885]

Hey so I am new to this ... I wish I had of found it a while ago. Possibly when I was diagnosed with stage4 testicular cancer when i was 24. When i was 4 i had open heart surgery. When i was 14 i fell of a 12metre high building , and now 24 i am diagnosed with cancer... since February have had excellerated chemo for 4 cycles ( a full week every two weeks) then that stopped working so changed chemo for an additional 3 cycles ... i now am waiting for surgery to take out the tumor + kidney and testicle. In between the wait for surgery i have been finding it very hard to keep myself busy, And have recently found myself doing some things that i quit a while ago. Gear , alchohol, and smoking. Although i am young my lifestyle has been very much rebel like and have had influences that only ended up in jail... I guess i just need a friend to chat to and open up to more before i have surgery on the 22 nd September. Mick...

[WishingStar]

Wow Mick, Seems like you have been through a hell of a lot for someone your age. There are people that really would care about what you are doing to yourself - there are a lot of people on this website that have been through similar emotional times as you - when you are diagnosed - you feel like your whole life is just smashed up and thrown in your face and feel 'well why not', 'what does it matter now'. You need to make the decision if you are going to fight this thing or not. It isnt easy. We know that. Believe me - everyone on this site know that. But doing what you are doing is only going to make it harder. You know it - I am not going to lecture you. Just wanted to know that I have been there - it is a hell of a scary ride. I found the cancer council councillors good to talk to - you can talk to them on the phone is face to face is not your thing. Seems to me with everything you have been through before you are a survivor and well hell of a fighter. Thinking of you, Nicole

[mik885]

Thanks for the speedy reply, I have spoken to people to help the situation Although their response is rehab.. but I don't want to put my family through any more worries its been hard enough as it is. My girlfriend and I have been together since December last year and she knew I use to have issues with taking and she thinks I'm clean, I just can't bring myself to tell her. I don't think I'm being negative with all of this I just want to prepare myself for the worst so if i do get bad news I can live the rest of my life with happiness instead of morning because I had prepared myself already. I know its not the best of ways to handle it but I'm mentally and physically drained from all the life experiences already. Mick

[WishingStar]

Hey Mick, You have such a lot of 'big stuff' to deal with. You really do need to get some professional help with this and I think your girlfriend might be the one to help. I am no expert. But it seems to me that you have one hell of a big op coming up in three weeks - there is one thing that is going to make that a hell of a lot worse - going cold turkey at the same time and hitting withdrawls in the ICU and recovery - I am not a doctor, but I am pretty sure that this is not going to do your remaining kidney or your liver any good. It is also going to have your pain receptors screaming for drugs - the narcotics the medicos are going to be giving you (what they will legally be able to give you with their pain relief protocols) probably won't be hitting the sides of what you will be needing for pain relief coming out of such a big surgery- unless you do this NOW and get clean before surgery. You are a fighter. Someone or something in this universe wants you to be here - otherwise you wouldnt of made it when you fell off that building, or when you have been through all the other crap in your life - YOU have to believe it and YOU have to do whats best for you. No one says it is going to be easy, you of all people know that life isnt all rainbows and butterflies, but only you can do something right now to help you get through this - or at least make it a bit easier. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and that the ball is your court right now - there are people out there that want to help - you mentioned your family - it sounds like you don;t want to worry them, maybe they want to be worried - they probably already are with everything that is going on. Thinking of you. Nicole

[mik885]

Thank you so much , I appreciate your comments and they do help me to apply myself to come clean. I got a phone call from the hospital this afternoon to tell me that they have pushed my surgery forward to the 15th of September now.... That phone call really hit me in a way never expected. All my other surgeries have been emergency ones or one i was to young to remember ... i guess its only natural to be scared and freaked out by it all and that's exactly how i am . My family have always been the type to worry to much ( if that's possible) but them being so worried and all of a sudden treating me different since diagnosed gets me thinking that there are more complications than was thought. I have seen professional help with all of the above mentioned, and it was very good i thought but after a while things just got back to the same way...

[WishingStar]

Hi Mick, I think you need to talk to your family - they sound like they really care and are there for you! They might even understand what you are going through and why you have reacted the way you have. Give them a chance to help. They might be angry or hurt at first - but I am sure it because they are just as scared as you - this is uncharted waters for everyone. Just let them be there. I think it is common at some stage with a cancer diagnosis to push everyone away (been there and done that) - it doesnt help, just makes it worse. In some ways it could be good that the surgery is moved forward - less waiting. It is normal to be scared - downright terrified right now. Who wouldnt be? Let the people that want to help in - they are probably biting at the bit - waiting for you to talk. Thinking of you, Nicole

[mik885]

Hey there, I thought I would just update as its been a while since I've had time to jump back on here... So, those who followed the above blogs you may know im having dramas with the addiction of drugs ( i know its all bad and not trying to make me feel better but I'm not a heavy user maybe once every two weeks) and i had problems with talking to my partner about it . After a few months i told her the other day. She understood but in that regard i feel ashamed because i don't want anyone to think that yeah i can do the things i do because of my "situation " I'm in. When I was diagnosed the one thing i asked of everyone was to not make me feel any different from anyone else and surely after a while everyone forgot about that chat. So there i was, i found myself back using again. The same as every other addiction i just wanted to go to my place of happiness and forget about it all. Anyway i didn't post this because i thought i had to explain myself to everyone but just because i wanted to for myself to clear it up. Meaning that I'm not a user that is a bad person also. All i ever asked for was just to be treated the same as i was, it makes it so much harder when they don't. my surgery is on Wednesday and sleeping and just going about day to day things is so much harder now and getting more anxious as the day comes up....