Had cancer, got no friends.

[Teacher_Mum]

I totally and completely understand what you mean. We usually trust that we can count on a bank of friends and perhaps even family to be there, to provide us with unconditional love that it will be ok. But you know what I found as a teacher, teaching secondary school kids - how people are easily confronted by cancer. Im uncertain as to whether people kept their distance because they didnt like you as a person per se, but rather it confronted their own mortality and their own fears. Lance Armstrong said in I think his first chapter in "Its not about the bike" Cancer is not exactly a cocktail party conversation. Its not a topic that one can face lightly. Point in case, there was a particular co-curriculum group I wanted to set up however the Headmaster had strong reservations because of the pathology it may bring out in students. It was a co-curriculum focused on raising awareness about cancer and it celebrated the achievements of Jane McGrath, Claire Oliver etc and recognised the fight and survivorship. HOWEVER, it was the reactions that it may bring out in students, the fall out, the suppressed grief etc. Adults I believe are mearly children blown up by age. We hear someone has cancer and we become self centered and how it makes us feel - friends are no different. I have had the same issue and its the old adage - laugh and the world laughs with you cry and you cry alone. It is confronting, having cancer is confronting, treatment is confronting but if people dont have to deal with it, they wont. So here we sit, as cancer survivors, sometimes wondering where everyone went. We have changed, our priorities have changed, in feeling fractured we become whole by putting the pieces together. We are the blessed and we are the lucky ones who will turn our lives around, who will perhaps or at least I hope make a difference.

[#2]

"In feeling fractured we become whole by putting the pieces together". I cried and cried when I read this. What a beautiful way of looking at this. People are funny, strange, fractured. We do confront them. We do make tham uncomfortable. Have you noticed when they ask how u are and you tell them (when u are having a shit day) that they change the subject? It would be far more pleasant if we just lied and said we are fabulous! So why bloody ask? It was amazing to hear so many similar responses to this topic. So many people in my life seem materialistic and shallow. Priorities are so different now. My god was I like that and never saw it? If that's the case then we have been given a gift. Let's not waste it.

[ex-athlete]

It makes culling your Xmas Card list quite easy!. "Friends" who knew I had a potentially terminal cancer via our family 2007 Xmas Letter and may well have not been "around" by Xmas 2008 - and made no effort to even enquire by phone at ANY time of my wife about my "situation" are permanently off my list. Perhaps that sounds hard - but quite frankly, I no longer want to know some. When you've toughed out the months of being really, really sick with a huge black cloud over your existance, it was an easy decision to make. However, I am pleased to say that the reverse of this is that I have consolidated a number of friends into people that recognise as true & loyal friends.

[kymg]

Funny thing - I saw a bloke I knew today and he is a helluva stirrer - but a good bloke. He stopped me as I was leaving the carpark of the local hardware store. He asked me how I was getting on which I thought was great. I also work with an quite unbelievably supportive work crowd - to the point of making me dewey eyed after my surgery. In an odd kind of way, I didn't feel that I had cancer before surgery - just a bit of me that wasn't right and needed to be removed. Now after surgery I have a feeling that some may be left behind and now I do have cancer. I guess I have remained really positive about the whole thing and maybe that has helped - I really don't know, but I do know that it is pretty sad that friends bail out on you. My guess is that they just can't handle seeing someone they know and love being crook.

[Versaillon]

I thought I would comment here after reading a few of the comments. Although my husband does, I've never had cancer but I do know somehwat how you feel. Nearly 4 years ago, I had a motorcycle accident in which I almost died. As a result, I'm now left with a disability in my left arm (am surprised it's still there to be honest). In the months that followed, many friends stopped calling, many just fell off the face of the planet (or that's what it felt like to me) and many people just told me to get on with things when I became reclusive due to panic attacks. Colleagues became impatient due to my newly acquired concentration issue and the crippling headaches I'd get almost every day, thinking I was putting it on. Now while I've not had cancer, I've been through a similar trauma. I've had to face my own mortality which I think is one of the scariest things anyone will ever do. Unless you've been forced to do it, you'll never know how scary it really is. And how truly alone you feel when you do. I think when you have an 'epiphany' of sorts, you begin to realise how short, how amazing, how beautiful life really is and that the arrogance, egos, material possessions, status etc holds no real meaning. Especially in your new world. None of these had a lot of importance to me beforehand but after my accident, it became even more apparent how different I felt to other people. I've come to realise that those who haven't had this epiphany will never truly understand how we feel but that's not their fault. People don't want to be confronted by their own mortality and we, the ill and disabled, remind all around us that we really are fragile and life can be gone in an instant. So you see, we aren't alone. There are people everywhere, not just cancer survivors, who have gone through similar situations, felt the same emotions and have survived their own battles. And because I have an understanding, it really saddens me now that my husband has to go through the same pain, frustration and anger. I see how people react, noticing how some friends have disappeared. I hope that with my experiences, I can support him even more now that he's facing his own mortality.

[justin]

My wife has cancer and I can identify with what you are saying. I spoke to one of my best friends almost 12 months ago about what we were going through and I haven't heard from him since. I have given him the opportunity to communicate via email recently but haven't heard boo. A number of relatives never ask how either of us (or the kids) are feeling or whether we need a hand, yet complain that they are upset they have been left in the dark (whatever that is meant to imply)?? We have had a couple of stressful things to go through over the years and we have found that when you need support, you receive support from people we have least expected it from. eg a real estate agent you hardly know, a work colleage you actually thought was a hard soul previously etc I think friends and family have no idea how to react , it is like after the initial shock they expect some immediate outcome so they can place it into a compartment in their mind. In other words if you have cancer you either die or you survive and everything is better again. The fact that you may have something that goes in and out of severity over a prolonged period of time must be hard to comprehend. Perhaps more items need to get into the media so the average unaffected person can understand what people are going through, and ways to provide emotional and other support. I know before we faced this I had little knowledge or idea of what to expect. I realise there is already much information like on this website, but it is only accessed by those that take the time and effort to seek it. Interesting your comments about material things. I have sold a number of items that I had accumulated and never thought I would part with. When a loved one is ill, a collection of material items means nothing Take care, Justin

[jules_jp]

I have made new friends since having cancer. Friendship is a two way street. I have been going to the gym, support groups, joined online forums and started a new job. I look at what I have gained from this extreme period in my life. The friends I had in the past, stay in the past. They were part of my life which was hectic, stressful etc. My new life/future commenced when I was diagnosed, my family and a couple of friends from the past are still here with me which I am grateful that we have grown over time together and adjusted/readjusted to change - there are few people you can honestly do that with. It takes time to rebuild a new life and this change is constant as you regain your health/strength/identity etc. I'm coming up to 2 years and only feel now it is on track. I have always encouraged my husband to maintain his friendships (which was physically and mentally easier for him to do than me during treatment). I wouldn't want him to resent me for it later. He didn't have a huge social life before we met, so that didn't change much when I was ill. In fact, we spent more quality time together and he too notices how people at work, his family and friends are materialistic. You are probably seeing the world through different eyes with this experience. So it is you that has changed not your friends.

[margro]

hi janine your hubby sounds like mine!!We also spent a lot more time talking,and,probably being a lot more open and honest with each other.I was diagnosed with stge 3 pancreatic cancer,even tho we'd been together for 8yrs I felt like I was putting too much on him(we didn't get married til 31st July this year!!). Since my cancer journey started,I have become a much more positive person,closer to my family and generally happier!I have made friendships I would never had a chance to,people still come up to me and say I musn't have been too bad cause I'm still here.That upsets me sometimes,but then ..that's their problem,not mine. I had a friend come and visit on Sunday and she said she really needed a "Margro"fix....so I could tell her the "glass is half full"!That makes me feel good!! A dr told me once that I should never bother buying a lotto ticket,cause I'd already won by surviving pancreatic cancer!After my bet on the cup today,I agree with him!!!!!

[kymg]

Here is something that has blown me away. Most of the people that I know are aware of the fact I have been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. People often ask my wife how I am going and she will happily give them a full account of my woes and how much this is changing our lives etc. And to some large extent and with much soul searching I have come to believe she might just be right. People certainly haven't given me a wide berth. A couple of weeks ago we were at a Christmas Party and one of the people there had only recently learnt of my/our situation. She was upset to hear of things and unbeknownst to us went to Mass the next day and spoke to some others who were there including the local Parish Priest. Our family isn’t Catholic nor do we go to Mass, but our children are all in the Catholic education system. Last Thursday she came to visit with a bag of food for us – mainly luxury things like cheeses, wine etc. Things to cheer us up. She is an absolute delight – full of positive thoughts and hugs and cuddles. Then on Sunday we were visited by a family who are involved with St Vinnies with a large (and I mean really large) food hamper together with a mob of presents (and I mean a mob) for the children. We know the family and our children were at school together at one stage. I was, and remain acutely embarrassed by the whole thing. You see I still don’t see myself as being particularly crook (denial maybe). Sure the catheter is a pain and is irritating but generally speaking all is good. I certainly believe that there are others in our Community more deserving of the generosity of St Vinnies than us. I am still working, earning fairly good money and maintaining things pretty well. Well at least I think so – the eternal optimist. I guess though people see me as having cancer. So what am I trying to say – support and friendship can come from the most unexpected quarter. Like this forum for example. And maybe the local group / school / church that you are involved with will be the ones that help not the friends that you perhaps expected to. And the message and resolution I take from this is that I will be doing what I can to make the lives of others a little more bearable because my life is pretty bearable and I can enjoy a beer (although getting rid of it hurts sometimes) and taste my food and I have some great support around me. Please have faith in whatever you choose to have faith in. And I still awaiting a visit from our local Parish Priest May you all have a magical Christmas. Take a day off from the problems and enjoy time with you family. And laugh til you cry. Kym

[Traveller_In_Wa]

That's true Kym, kindness and friendship can come from the most unexpected of places! When I was diagnosed last year in August, it was not only hard on me, but my family as well (of course!). My sister was at work, and rather upset, and a customer picked up on it and asked her what was wrong. My sister told him, and it turned out he is a cancer survivor. He has proceeded since then to send me cards, choccies and little gifts to 'keep my spirits up'. And I have never met this man in my life! It's truely touching and amazing how one small gesture (his first card to me), made me feel. And how he seemed to know when I was in one of my down moods, a gift or card would arrive from him via my sister. So the little acts of a stranger helped me and my sister a lot through this, and when I get back on track, I will definately be doing the same! Merry Christmas everyone....