Hi everyone,
I'd just like to first say that, although I get an email for posts, it takes me a while to think, process, and get over the initial emotional heart response that I have when I read these posts. Everyone's stories are so deep, complex and relate-able. Even though we have different situations, the emotion behind that we all carry, is so very the same.
To know TJ that, "The weight that's been lifted off my shoulder's is just unfathomable believe me." is just wonderful. But it comes, for me, also with a tinge of sadness - how are people so alone? How is it so easy for people to forget our connectedness? That a simple comment on a blog from random strangers can restore what real people that we know, have (kind of) taken away, is somehow sad.
TJ, your story about your girlfriend is shocking and for me, my heart feels a little bit broken, because I know of similar stories, and again, I just see people that have lost their humanity for others, lost their connection with others, forgotten that we are all connected, forgotten the empathy. It is tragic because from these things come joy and love, and these people - that do such awful things to others - are living in a world a lot more disconnected than us, and a lot more lonely, and I believe also more painful. I'm not saying this as a gesture that you may feel better hearing some promise of retribution for her/their acts, because, I don't believe in punishment or anything as such (although we can all feel vengeful at times which is natural). I say it because it's the sad irony. We live in a world that, if you cannot see something, if it's not there then it doesn't exist. They think because they can hide their stuff, they can keep on pretending. But, it's awful because it just propagates the initial problem of separateness, then we/they only feel more pain.
The other stuff about your past I found very interesting as I have a belief that the trauma of my childhood contributed to the illness. I had awful violence, continual domestic disruption moving house and school - in the end recoiling into a shell of apathy, and a reluctance to get on with friends, or anything as we would just move, and a narcissistic mother that sucked the life out of me, and continually emotionally abused and stressed me. I got (and still get) really tired of people linking cancer with anger, because I don't see that I am more angry than others, as well as, I am less than others. I also seem to manage my anger better than some, and maybe not as well as others. It seems such a simplified answer. I always believed it was something else, something to do with stress. I have read something recently that puts forward a similar hypotheses, which I have been exploring. Your situation sounds horrendous, and I hope that you don't feel alone in this also. I really feel for you, and hope that you will feel comfortable to share as much as you need to. We are listening, and with interest.
