Just venting

[Richard1]

Better today. A good nights rest clears the mind. Still so very tired though. Going to see my GP in Jan for some help, maybe some antidepressants will help. This journey sucks. I thought it would get easier. Taking it a day at a time is the best advice. Learning to not look to far ahead in the future is something I have to learn. At least I won’t have to spend this Christmas in hospital with all those tubes stuck in me. And no more chemo so I can enjoy a good meal with the family.

Merry Christmas to you my friend, it’s always a pleasure having someone to talk to who knows the struggle.

Congrats on almost 4 years, time keeps ticking no matter if we are sick or healthy, all the best to you and your family. ❤️💪👍👌✌️😜

[Isadora2021]

Well done for looking for and finding the good things to appreciate, Richard! It sounds so trite but it really does help to count your blessings! 

The tiredness is going to be part of your life for a while. Even now my body tells me when it needs me to pull back and take things easy. A good excuse to adjust my walk with my pups. They love sniffing so it’s easy to dial back  and still give them a good walk.  ( i haven’t been for a run for years now and am about ready to start gently again) I also love gardening and reading so I indulge with gusto what used to be guilty pleasures. I hope you can carve out more time doing peaceful but soul/zone stuff. I spend as much time now as I can with my dad and I know you have your mother. I used to be too busy 😞

Our bodies have fought a very hard fight - against cancer but also to survive treatment.  They need a lot of TLC.  I have learnt to listen to my body better with the help of a smartwatch. Never had one before I went into remission. 

Good idea seeing your GP about anxiety/depression medication. Having my anxiety treated was key. It doesn’t get rid of it but helps manage it with behavioural tools.

Have a magnificent Christmas, Richard. Enjoy every moment! How far you’ve come. Sending best wishes and friendship xx 

[Richard1]

Update, so I went to my new GP, did some tests and found out my vitamin d levels are dangerously low, cholesterol is high and all else is good. Need to put on some weight to boost my energy levels as well. He suggested I have a mental assessment but I declined. I have good days and bad days, that’s life.

Had the colonoscopy on fri and my surgeon said it all looked clear and he was happy with everything. Need to see him again 20 Feb for further results. It looks like I might have beaten this thing. Yet I can’t stop feeling anxious, I should be happy and celebrating. I worry over the dumbest things all the time now, side effect of everything I’ve been through, psychically and mentally. A year of hell has changed me, I’m not the same person I used to be, I just need to let go and move forward.

Never give up, never surrender💪

[Isadora2021]

I’m so glad, Richard, to hear you’ve seen your GP and know what you can do that’s within your control to help your body recover.  It’s good to have some concrete things to work on.

Also good news that your other medical tests/investigations (especially the colonoscopy) are looking so good!  Please donate us. 

Cancer leaves a huge mark on our minds. It’s what brought me to this forum. I found this period more difficult mentally than diagnosis and treatment. In a way we now know what awaits if things cooperated again. Last time it was an exploration and new experience and we just “turned our feet over” (an expression left over from my running days when I hit the wall) to get to our goal.

This stage is so different. Please do watch your mental health carefully. I think I’ve said it before, but  I take 20 mg of citalopram for my anxiety and it really does help me deal so much better with the bad days.  Spending as much time doing things that put me in my happy place is hugely soothing too when things feel uphill. I have my next 6 month only PET-CT scans and array of blood tests on Tuesday. 

We’re stronger together and there’s a much needed freedom here to express our fears and struggles to others who are wall king the same walk 

Keep your feet turning over! 

[Richard1]

Test, test and more test. Life doesn’t stop if your healthy, happy or sad. My fingers toes and ears are crossed for your successful results.

I will keep my feet turning over with you until the very end, we control our own happiness evan though the universe may be against us.

Let me know how it all goes, all the best fellow traveler.

[Isadora2021]

PS So sorry for the typos and predictive text!! 

[Richard1]

Trying to get better mentally. Going through cancer has changed my perspective on life, everything now is kinda pointless. That joy I once had has been replaced with doubt, anxiety and uncertainty. I get these bubbles during the day, where I’m my old self for a fraction of a moment, then pop, the bubble burst and it’s back to reality. Why do life’s responsibilities now feel like a burden instead of a challenge?  It’s not even the cancer that’s the problem, It’s guess I’m just getting older and weaker and don’t have the stamina like before. Some days I accept it but others it just annoys me. I will keep moving forward no matter what is in my way, it’s hard but I’m not ready to give up just yet. Another day and I’m still here, ground hog day. I guess I need a new hobby, doing the same thing for 25 years has finally made me insane, it took getting cancer for me to realise that. Just another rant from a irrelevant old man. 

[Isadora2021]

Sorry to hear you’re still struggling, Richard, to reinvent your life after cancer and its treatment.  They both take a lot out of us.

I wish I had a magic bullet for you. Adjusting is tough.  

I’m also not who I was but somehow I’ve come to terms with that and also find taking pressure off myself has actually been a positive in my new normal.  Minimising stress is so freeing. Walking has in particular become one of my favourite new hobbies. In days gone by I’d only run and walking was a failure! Now I love walking. Yes I do sometimes miss running but I’m so happy I can still walk and can do so strongly.

 I hope you can find new hobbies you’ll love to do.  Well done for being open to change! 

[Richard1]

Taking pressure of yourself, great advice. I’ll try to put  that into practice. Just having a rough couple of days, getting really annoyed about it all. Next appointment for results soon, brings back all those horrible days.

Its not even the cancer that’s bothering me, it’s life. I don’t know, my mind is scrambled.

Have a beautiful day Isadora, it’s always great to here from you.