Just venting

[Richard1]

Another day, another roller coaster ride. Fatigue and uncertainty linger, why did this happen to me. I want it to be over, will it end, is this the new me. 23/7/25, my hopefully last day of chemo. Circled the calendar. I keep telling myself that if I can hold on, keep working and have chemotherapy and make it to that day all will be well. It’s not easy, working full time in a freezer (-20) when your body, mind and spirit are broken. But if I can just make it to the end, I will be saved. Please, don’t let this break me. For my family and for myself.

[Maddi_CCNSW]

Hi Richard

Welcome to Cancer Council's online Community, I hope you find it a supportive space.  Going through a cancer diagnosis and treatment can be tough, and this is a space that it's okay to vent.  I'm sure lots of other people will identify with what you're going through.  If you need someone to speak to and you live in Australia, please call our information and support line 13 11 20. They will be happy to provide you with support to get you through those difficult moments.  If you somewhere outside of Australia, please speak to your oncology team about organizations who provide support.  Lots of people seek support to help them get through the impact of a cancer diagnosis and treatment.   

[Isadora2021]

I’m so sorry. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of putting your head down and focussing on your end date  for treatment.  My mother has cancer in her family so it wasn’t such a huge shock for me, although very unwelcome  I’ve always thought I’ve inherited more of my motherr’s genes than my father’s. Darned it. 

I’m so glad you’ve been able to work through treatment. I was able to do so too with careful management of side effects. I think that really helped me. I hope it’s helping you too. It gave a good reason to get up and push through.  I loved my job (sounds very different from yours though!!!) and it helped give me purpose.

Wishing you the best and prayers up for successful treatment 🙏🌺

[Helen66]

Hi Richard

It's about a month since you wrote that. Are you feeling  any better? It definitely comes in waves of negative and then positive.  

Helen 

[Richard1]

Hi Helen. Physically I feel tired all the time, bottom of my feet are blistered, peeling and raw from the chemo, but the palms of my hands are healing.  They were red raw, cracked and almost bleeding. Mentally It’s a struggle, I don’t know why anymore, what’s the point to anything. Nothing brings me joy and happiness. It’s like I’m waiting for the next bad thing to happen. But I keep on going, waiting for that breakthrough. To sum up, more bad bays than good. Thanks for asking

[Isadora2021]

That breaks my heart to hear and thank you for sharing it with us 💔  I remember well those days with Folfiri  which gave me so many nasty side effects including fatigue and sores in so many places.  I didn’t feel guilty if I needed to lie on the catch to doze, read or watch streams.  But I needed to move, mentally and physically. My nurse practitioner was fabulous in helping me find solutions and work arounds to those side effects so I could and good days could out number the bad.  Have you tried using palliative care through your cancer centre for relief and to help manage and make you more mobile? 🙏

[Helen66]

Hi Richard 

It's very very tough... some sort of unique torture to have hands and feet in such pain which l guess means someone  has to help you with most things. I have the same feeling of waiting  for next bad thing to happen. Distraction only goes so far doesn't it. Eventually  we have to accept being in this situation  and try to relax into it. I only achieve that about

30% of the time but it's something... sending hopes that the breakthrough arrives. Helen 

[Richard1]

Hi Isadora. Cancer caregivers have been amazing, patient and understanding. I’ve always been very active and mobile. I do the man thing and suck it up. The pain is okay, hands and feet are improving, fatigue is always bringing me down and mentally it’s a struggle. Working with what I have sucks, sometimes my boss can be a pain and not realise I need to sit and rest. I feel like I’m just hanging on. Slept for 10 hours on Sunday and still feel exhausted. Just 6 more weeks of chemo, more blood test and scope surgery and I’m done. Hope it doesn’t come back.

Thanks for reaching out, always nice to be heard.

[Isadora2021]

Oh no. Having a boss who hasn’t any understanding of cancer fatigue must be so difficult. I’m so glad you have a team of angel caregivers helping you, even if he’s not helping.

I think of all the side effects the fatigue is one of the worst. It can be so debilitating. Some people don’t get it that sleeping doesn’t fix it. It’s not that type of bone deep tiredness. Although I’m so glad you managed to get 10 hours in on Sunday and helped your body rest and regroup 😊🙌

i had the opposite experience in that my boss was so very kind and considerate and was trying to shift my work off me. Not what I needed in my fight.  We came to an agreement that I would catch a nano nap when I needed it (usually no more than 30 minutes was fine). Some days I didn’t need it, other days I’d need 2.  I was lucky though to be in a desk job I could work from home and my team and clients were brilliant. They knew I’d work when I was good (often in the wee hours) and everything still got done in a day. I’m so sorry you don’t have a job with that flexibility.

I’m in awe how you are pushing through. 23 July is getting closer. 

Please do keep us updated and vent whenever you need to. We know what you’re dealing with and how very, very hard it is.  

[Richard1]

Hey again. Latest update, came home early Monday  feeling poisoned from the chemo, having Tuesday off as well, feeling depressed and tired and fragile. Will this ever end. I keep thinking back to what the surgeon said, you have only months left. Some days I can accept it. I feel like I’m letting everyone around me down being so weak. Stupid thing to say considering what I’m living with, but that’s we’re I’m at.

Well that’s enough about me, how are you doing with everything?