Just venting

[Helen66]

You are not weak at all. You will make it. 27 July will come  but l have heard from many people by the time you finish with chemo it feels like it's almost killed you but you feel better quickly when you ring that bell. Do you have any leave of any kind to use in last month's June July?? 

Good luck reach out when you need it there are people  thinking of you. 

Helen 

[Isadora2021]

That’s awful 😞  I don’t know what to say as I’ve been so fortunate to be in that truly awful place but to now be in remission.  I was fortunate enough to qualify for HIPEC + CRS after my initial chemo + immunotherapy worked.  It was a game changer for me but hard to qualify for. Once that was done, I couldn’t face going back on treatment, and stopped. I was fortunate again it hasn’t come back - yet.  My oncologist says now I can only do it again if/when my cancer comes back.

I totally understand how and why you’ve had enough. You have a wonderful, close palliative team and I hope you’ve let them know and having tough discussions with them. In some ways July is now so close but in other ways you’re climbing a sheer cliff, needing energy and footholds. Can they help provide those footholds and help you get there. That’s the question isn’t it.  I pray they can 🙏❤️‍🩹

 I’ve come to accept my life won’t be as long as I’d like but every day for me is still is precious - because I have quality for now. 

[Richard1]

Thanks Helen. I don’t really care about work anymore or anything else if I’m honest. Nothing brings me joy. Everybody around me is moving forward and I’m just fading away. I guess todays a bad depression day.

Tomorrows a new day and I know I’ll get over it, the down days just get to me.

Feel guilty staying home so much and resting.

Scared about what might happen next.

Hope you’re doing better than me Helen. 

[Richard1]

Thank you Isadora. I don’t know what else to say, today I feel drained and empty. Hard to concentrate. Hopefully I’ll be in remission with you soon. I’m happy your doing well. Quality of life is so important, I want that so bad. How is your life going with everything? It’s nice sharing my story with some one who knows the struggle.

And your right, July is so close yet so far away. One day this will all be behind me… I hope

[Richard1]

 No sleep again. My mind feels like mush, can’t think straight. Still have work, family, house, bills, maintenance obligations and I’m feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like death is a blessing, and it scares me. How do you find the strength and energy and patient to get through the day and the next and the next? I’ve realised depression is my new constant friend. I try to break its bonds but it just gets tighter. I will never give up trying, but it does wear you down, makes my care factor zero. Trying to find joy and happiness eludes me, can’t remember the last time I was happy and unafraid. I’ve been told to see someone about my condition, talk openly and work through it. That might work for others, but not me. I will deal with it on my own way… somehow

[Isadora2021]

Thank you for the update and I’m so very sorry to hear of your mental struggles, Richard, and I relate.  They are currently the hardest part of my own stage in this process. My oncologist has given me referrals to 2 specialised cancer therapists to choose from but I haven’t taken either up yet. I did therapy for the first time at my boss’s recommendation when my mother passed from cancer some years ago and my original family imploded. It was amazing so I am not adverse to it.  I have been thinking about doing it.  I’ve finally had to accept I do need help. 

I am managing to sleep, but not as much as I need. Luckily antihistamines work for me when I use them infrequently for a good night’s sleep.  Given how bleak  your mental landscape is  I wonder if you could see your GP about getting help to sleep, but also for anxiety or depression? (I have had chronic anxiety since my mother passed and the medication is the same for both conditions. It works so incredibly well for me. I don’t know how I’d cope without it hand in hand with more natural  therapies).

I have 2 dogs and they demand daily exercise twice a day. I’m lucky that I’m still well enough to do that and I also have help when I need it. The dogs demand to go so they kick my butt out of the door when I’d rather make excuses! The exercise and being in nature have been so incredibly beneficial for my mental health as well as physical health.  I was just thinking last night how many aches and pains I had have disappeared. I’m not suggesting you get dogs (they are a huge commitment and are also part of my mental stress around the what ifs!), but they have given me so much purpose in my life and are a drive to stay here. I wonder if you could find a nourishing purpose that suits you? 

 Please do keep me updated. I send you huge virtual hugs and positive thoughts to find what may work to make life better for you ❤️‍🩹🙏

[Richard1]

Hi Isadora. Getting a good nights sleep helps a lot when it happens. My action plan for the future is one day at a time. For years I’ve always lived thinking and planning for the years to come. It’s hard to change that thought process, but I have to try. I do have a dog and it always nice to come home after work and see her waiting for me and jumping on me when I open the door.

Don’t you just wish you could be a kid again when everything was so simple.

Thank you for thinking about me, I hope everything is going well for you. 👍❤️👍

[Isadora2021]

I’m so glad you have a dog, Richard! Such great loving company, plus a good reason to keep on fighting. 

Yes a day at a time is the only way we can move forward.  It’s like running. Keep the feet turning over even (especially) when it’s hard!  I hope you find ways to do that which work for you.

i was so good during treatment at focussing on today - not looking back or forward and just taking it a day at a time.  I had to retire from a high stress job I loved a year after  I went into remission because I no longer had the drive/stamina needed to keep going. It had served me well during treatment,keeping me connected and giving my days structure and purpose. I’d also stopped travelling overseas as much I had before cancer because I needed to go to treatment and my immune system was weak not to mention travel insurance issues!! .  I’m at peace with those changes and my new life.  I find it easy not to look back and not to compare my life now and then.  I think it’s because I do enjoy my new very different life. It’s wrestling with fears of my non curable cancer coming back. 

Now I’m in remission but with numbers moving a bit I too find it hard not to worry about the future. 

Please do keep in touch and we can encourage each other to keep those feet turning over ❤️‍🩹🐾🙏

[Richard1]

I’m conflicted about work, to keep going or walk away. Like you, my job is high stress and labour intensive. Doctor told me to have 3 months off after the operation, I was back at it in 2 weeks, silly me.

That fear of the cancer coming back is exhausting, as you know. But I have to keep fighting, for my family and myself.

Congrats on being in remission, I’m almost at that point. Still waiting on last scan results, then another colonoscopy and blood tests. Hopefully by December I can put it all behind me, this has been the worst year of my life, bring on 2026 for a fresh new start.

May this new day bring joy and happiness and peace of mind to you my friend.

[Isadora2021]

Totally understand where you’re at about work, Richard.  

When the thought of early retirement 1st crossed my mind it was a shock and I pushed it away. But it kept coming back and I got comfortable with thinking about it with an open mind. It was good to be conflicted as it enabled a good hard look at the possibilitie.  With my prognosis not being great on statistics,  I didn’t want to waste my potentially limited time on the work hamster wheel!  So many personal life sacrifices over the years. My work life balance was seriously skewed, but it had become normal.

I needed to be 100% sure I’d have no regrets walking away. 

So NOT something to jump into without a detailed analysis and plan. Whether I could feasibly change my job requirements etc and make a lesser income. Or whether it was more than time to jump off totally. 

It took me a year after going into remission and lots of analysis to be very comfortable that I was financially able to walk away totally from a good steady income. Knowing that once I was off the merry go round of my type of job it’s very difficult to jump back on. So it would be a big hard line in the sand for me.

 I also spent a lot of time working out what I would actually do day to day with the heaps of extra  time, and within my financial means.  That was also so important. 

Sending prayers and positive thoughts for great scan results! 🙏❤️‍🩹 Please do let me know how you go!!!