my family dealing with my cancer

[Soonerick]

My emotions may be getting the best of me? I may be overly sensitive? I have terminal cancer, diagnosed February 13th 2018. My Doc gave me "up to a year". They told me I would be in a wheelchair at best, but probably bed ridden within a month from then. Well, it's a year later, and I'm still standing on my own 2 feet. I put on a brave front every day, for my family, especially my Mom. But I feel like I'm not getting any love from my family. My 50th Birthday was last December 29th 2018, almost a year after my diagnosis. No party, no "we admire you", no words of encouragement, nothing. Because I fight every minute of every day to maintain an acceptable exterior, I guess I don't look "sick enough", or like my terminal condition isn't as serious as other people in my condition. It makes me want to give up, just lay in bed and slowly pass away, like the "really" sick people. I pray I'm not being a crybaby, but a random "you inspire others" or anything to acknowledge how hard I work to act and look "normal", so my condition doesn't bring sorrow to my family. Is it OK for me to feel this way? Am I being a crybaby? Somebody please let me know.

[Sandy1]

No you are not a cry baby ,you are very brave. Cancer is not an easy diagnosis to deal with it is life changing and to then be told you only have a certain time to live must be one of the hardest things to hear and come to terms with.

people are funny creatures sorry but this may sound bitter , some only react to or believe what they can see. When my mum had been told she only had so long she was very very brave outwardly but probably not on the inside. One day I was out having coffee with her and someone said " Alice you look really well" even to my ears it sounded like they were saying there can't be much wrong with you. My mothers reply was " I only have three months to live" you have to seen any move to fast as the person who made the statement. 

My heart went out to my mum and I wished I could make here better. At one point I thought I had lost my mum before I did as she was changing in front of my eyes and I did not know what to do. Now I realise the best thing you can do is be there, you don't even have to say a lot. Some people don't see this , sometimes it is good to try and tell people how you feel. You may find that some may surprise you and acknowledge what you are saying and be there in the best way they can.

My life has changed since I got cancer and I know it is not easy in all sorts of ways. Be true to you and try and do something that makes you happy every day. Even just looking at nature and taking it in can bring peace. We are all finding our way.  

[Soonerick]

Well now that's about what I needed to read at this time, and from someone who knows what it's all about. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. And your idea about simply taking in nature hits home with me. I'm a country boy/grown man, and in nature I find peace. Thank you!

[Budgie]

Hi Soonerick,

I also have terminal cancer & look better than most people think I should look.  I always get comments on how good my skin is looking, etc.

Live each day for yourself.   Life is short - even shorter when you are dying from a terminal illness.  Live it to the fullest without trying to please others or wanting acknowledgement from them.  People are fickle creatures.  

However, they also may be to afraid to say anything incase they upset you.   I have given up telling my siblings how I am going because they usually don't respond to me at all.  I think this is because it is hard for them to hear how I'm deteriorating, & they don't know what to say, so they say nothing.  

We who use this site know exactly how much effort it takes for you to look your best each day, so whenever you feel the need to download & get something off your chest, this is a very good place to do it.

I hope you keep up your attitude & show the people in your world just how good you are!

All the best.

Budgie

[Soonerick]

Great insight Budgie! Thank you for the response. I think I understand what you are saying. It's so strange. I don't want extra attention, I certainly don't want to be the topic of conversation every time we gather. But an occasional "need anything?" or to acknowledge the hard work I put in walking on my treadmill, or my strict attention to my healthy diet, but especially on my 50th Birthday, I expected just a bit of a pat on the back or even an "old man" joke. Maybe you're right, in that they don't know what to say so they ignore the situation. Anyway, I don't let hurt feelings linger, life is literally too short! Thanks again for reading my message and responding.

Best wishes,

Rick

[Lampwork54]

Hi Soonerick,

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way.  I've heard of many people dealing with cancer and I've done virtually nothing.  Possibly visited one or two friends and taken flowers.  I think I did then what most people do and that is to take a giant step away.  It's too hard to deal with an I don't know what to say or do.  Their emotions are too overwhelming.  

I promise I will do better in the future.  I really don't think you understand until you are personally diagnosed and the enormity of that diagnosis hits you.  

I have a story for you.  When my eldest daughter was 16 a young friend of hers at her part time job was killed in a car accident.  My daughter was terribly distressed and it was a very sad time.  We felt her movng away from us quite suddenly in the weeks following this death.  When we talked to her, she said that she didn't ever want to be hurt like that again so was protecting herself by not loving anyone else.  Luckily, we were able to discuss this and make her realise loving people is part of life.  Yes, it will hurt if you lose them but it will hurt much more to feel as if you wasted the time you had by not loving them.  

My family is very close and I have 4 adult children, their partners and grandchildren.  I feel them all stepping back a little.  I know they are worried and concerned but also, they don't want to overwhelm me with their emotions.  They have their father and partners to help them deal with this.  Most people don't know what to say about your diagnosis, your  fears, anxiety and stress.  The future or your pain.  They cannot take it away from you.  They probably feel as helpless as you do.

Another story - Days are long after diagnosis.  One night my husband was finally home.  Within 15 minutes he needed to go out to get a juicer from our son.  Couldn't talk him out of it, no, he had to go.  I called my youngest daughter who then called my husband.  When my husband came back, I tearily told him he made me feel as if he didn't want to spend time with me.   My husband explained.  It was the one thing I could do for you.  He needed action.  He needed to do something that would help me.  I explained I didn't have any fruit to juice at that particular moment - he said that didn't matter.  You see?  Sometimes we just misinterpret each other.   

Sometimes too we push people away.  No, we're up for a visit.  We've got nothing much to say on the phone.  Life is pretty dull around treatment.  Sometimes people think you want to be by yourself.  They don't want to intrude on you.  

I hope you can talk some of these issues out with your family and talk to them about your concerns. We all carry or express our emotions differently.  Wish you every success for the future and that you will feel the love and care of your family all around you.