Some people not wanting to develop a friendship with a cancer survivor

[deejjay]

I was wondering if anyone has found that the occassional person doesn't want to either make friends with, rekindle a friendship or come in contact with a cancer survivor. I'd had this a couple of times, found old friends on facebook or someone has wanted to take me along to see someone I used to know but these people haven't wanted to see me or remain in touch because a loved one died from cancer. I guess it's a variation of the theme where some people just can't handle someone with cancer. What experiences have others had?

[Jules2]

Hi DJ ... Just a very quick reply to you. I haven't specifically had that experience but I did have someone from the crs make a comment in the vein of "you might not be around" in reference to me applying for a job. I bit my tongue and didn't ask for her guarantee to not get run over by the proverbial bus. 🙂 "Nowt so queer as folk" Deejay and never a truer word has been written i think. I agree it is a variation of people not coping and they most probably do their civic duty and make their donations to cancer etc... and feel much better for it, but deal with someone's diagnosis ?? Nope they can't!

[SamR]

Hi DeeJay, Fortunately this has been a rare experience for me, though a few people I thought were friends did "lose touch" very early into my diagnosis. I ran into someone (about 7 years post treatment) who I'd worked with whilst I was going through the treatment, who just looked stunned and said "OH! you're alive" which was followed by a very awkward silence.. fortunately I was getting out of the lift and they were getting into it. It really brought it home to me, that despite my belief I would live, others still viewed the "Big C" as something that can't be beaten. I'm still surviving 9 years on - and my GP & Oncologist are confident I've beaten it. The memories fade, but there are still awkward silences from some when I mention I'm a cancer survivor, but I still tell people, because I know it has given others with the diagnosis or those watching a loved one go through it, some hope that it can be beaten.

[SILLY]

I have a friend who was always there to chat before and after treatment. Since then I hardly see or hear from her .She has a new man in her life and I feel I'm intruding if I ring her.I'm happy for her and I like to share her good news.I am wondering if I'm being pushed away now as the void in her life has been filled.Perhaps she is enbarrassed by my looks or the new man is. Maybe it is just lack of time which is ok by me but maybe it is me not someone she wants to be as close to as before.

[sarah]

Hi deejjay, Yes, I have definitely experienced this. I tend to not mention to the new friends I have made - the one I want to keep that is; I don't want to risk more losses from my life so I don't mention it. I have told some people, after knowing them a while, and they completely change around be, distancing themself, it's very, very painful to watch and experience. I have also experienced bulling from work place associates, once they know. These days I make a point of not telling anyone, which means, I feel like I am living a lie and cannot have real open relationships. Some people may pick up on this "lying", or that I am different, which distances them from me anyway. It's a no win really. @ SamR, I got in touch too with someone on facebook from a few years ago, her reaction was - "oh, I thought you'd be dead by now". Seems like a non-loaded statement for most probably but, the sentiment was some how excruciating for me. Not sure why this was so, I'm still exploring that one in my mind. You not alone dejjay (or anyone here) xx

[Mignon]

As a parent of a cancer survivor, I find my friends aren't interested in my thoughts as it is 5 years down the track. It is all over as far as they are concerned but not for me.

[sarah]

Hi Mignon, Some people just want to cut to the chase, they say - "so, are you going to die". They just ask this straight out. I got the feeling that I was more of a spectacle; my life a spectator's sport. There was no relating going on at all, people distancing them selves emotionally, and I was on show. As it is always said - just when we need people the most too. I understand that they don't know what to do or say, i get that but, I cannot help but perceive that it stems back to the values we have constructed as a society, eg, so much on materialism, about survival and sort of "running" and winning the race, at the expense of taking time to consider our lives, our relationships, and our journey, and share our experiences. I bet there's a heap of things you want to say and share about your experience still, not to mention receive genuine emotional support for such an extreme situation as well. It's not over, it never really is I don't think (although it get's easier), this stuff effects a person for the rest of their lives as it changes one's whole perceptions on what life is - maybe it undoes the programing that we have been in about the material race? Maybe that's part of the trauma? We change, and we are never the same. I call it "Eyes Wide Open".

[sarah]

Hey Deejjay, have you seen this topic here about similar: http://www.cancerconnections.com.au/content/had-cancer-got-no-friends#comment-7602

[SILLY]

A few months ago someone asked to be my friend and I accepted. This person had not posted so I messaged her/him to tell me something about herself/himself,twice. After no reply I unfriended that person. I was hesitant but do not want a pretend friendship with anyone . If that person still uses this and communicates I will also but friendships must be two-sided. Why would someone ask to be my friend and not talk or ever post?

[Rodney]

Hi I've had some funny comments made and sometimes I forget about the cancer then someone will allways bring it all back , although I quite happy to explain to anyone my cancer experience and try to support as much as I can..... I think life is too short to concentrate on negative people and experiences.