Some people not wanting to develop a friendship with a cancer survivor

[mj1980]

Hi All, I think I have been relatively lucky through my cancer journey, I can't say I have been surprised by any of my friends reactions because they have proven themselves before (good and bad). I knew which ones would go quiet on me - they are the ones that enjoyed me when I was out having fun. The ones that stuck by my side were the ones who had a real interest in me. This is probably because a few years ago I split with my fiance, it was ugly and drawn out and would have been completely boring for anyone who had to listen to me cry and complain about it. The ones that were still around after that were the ones I knew would be with me for the whole journey. I am single and have been on online dating sites just to chat to people during my recovery. There are many people that will just delete you from their contacts as soon as they find out that you have been sick. I am used to that know, but I guess it still hurts. Good Luck to everyone on here, I wish you find great friends because I think that is so important.

[loz]

Since my diagnosis I have really found out who my "real"friends are. The others I cant be bothered wasteing my time with them I have better things to do and new friends to make. On my side of the family they are very supportive as I lost my Mum, cousin and uncle within 6 weeks of each other in 2011 they treat my no differently and came to visit me in hospital after surgery but my husbands family which is quite a large family I had 2 people come to visit me in hospital and after I got out. They treat me differently now and I feel uncomfortable at family functions. There is another family member with cancer and as hers cancer is terminal and mine was caught in time (i dont mean to sound terrible or like I want attention) but because surgery got mine and not hers I am completely well as if nothing happened. They dont realise we live in fear of its return and body parts dont work like they should etc etc and life is day to day. I am over ignorant people, just hope it doesnt happen to them to find out how to treat other people and be a bit more understanding.

[Jules2]

loz That is a tough one and something that I am currently experiencing at work at the moment. We have a guy who thinks it is funny to get people to repeat things. Which to someone who does not have a speech problem is most likely quite funny. However, for me who struggles with speech clarity at times and who has no saliva and sometimes speaking is an effort, it is just not funny most of the time! Of course it is a humorous thing to do to someone, yet, it is an effort to have to explain to people. We talked about shaving under arms and I explained I only shave one armpit as I cant get a razor into the great hole that is now my right arm pit ... once again it bought much mirth. I guess it is funny and yet I don't particularly find it so at all. :) I wonder if people will ever understand and when it comes to that they actually have to "want" to understand and for most people that will not happen because it means they have to face their biggest fears about cancer and their own morbidity. Julie

[loz]

Hi Jules2 My mum had throat cancer before her pancreatic cancer and she suffered from a dry throat and found it hard to talk, she sounded like she was drunk and people thought it was funny but she couldnt fix it very much but got relief from a spray made by Difflam. The only way people will understand is if they get cancer in any form themselves which I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy but sometimes it takes something like that to happen for them to "get it". Dont worry about the dickhead at work he isnt worth wasting your energy on just look after No. 1 put all your energy into that. Take care, loz

[sarah]

There are lots of "dickheads" around 🙂

[Jules2]

@ sarah ... that there are !! :) @ loz ... omg, so sorry to hear your mum is going back for a 2nd cancer. It is tough doing it a 2nd time around! Trying not to worry about the "richard cranium" but at times I get tired and it does get to me. Today is Sunday and I am not worried ... ask me next Thursday or Friday. haha Julie

[SILLY]

I think it is childish and immature if people in the workplace cannot be sensitive to the physical difficulties of others . Some things which may be funny for some or for a few times start to annoy others if overdone so maybe that guy will find something different to amuse himself . I'm not against fun at work as long as it doesn't hurt anyone .

[Jules2]

@ silly Yes, I totally agree and reality is that I should point this out to this fellow, however, when I have made it clear I do not wish to sit in a vehicle with someone smoking and he continues to do it, I just figure it would be useless saying anything. hopefully, I will not be working with him for much longer. Julie

[sarah]

Jules2 - that sounds plain awful... and... and, well, it really get to me. It gets to me that not only do we go through the illness and the massive fallout afterward - emotional, spiritual, intellectual and again physical (rebuilding a weak toxified and traumatised body), we have to manage the world outside of us that goes on in its normal way; survival of the fittest, and we re-enter not at all the fittest. I remember coming back into the world and it was a new world; a new planet. It was like the Star Wars bar (if anyone's seen that), or Mad Max.. Is there anyway you can speak to a supervisor Jules? The union? I wonder if your work is aware of your condition. Sometimes we tell them, sometimes we don't. I for one don't tell anyone anything anymore, lest they see me as a meal to gobble up. Only some of my close friends know. Incidentally, I was out Sat night with my "close" friends and one women made the (slip) comment that illness - including cancer was a way that the earth purges the weak to preserve against over-population. I want to punch people like that until their genetic prejudices (or darwinetics) are knocked the hell out of them. I would ideally like to avoid them, however I've noticed that I would have no one to hang out with (already lost so many thro the illness), and I wouldn't have an insight into their despicably fascist and ignorant social eugenic ideals. Anyhow Jules2, it sounds like work place bullying to me, are you able to speak up? In my opinion, people like that should take a backseat for a while until they can learn to respect others, have compassion, and work together striving for no loss to anyone.

[SILLY]

Sarah,I am shocked that that lady could make such a comment in your presence . People need to be careful what they say in social situations . Some thoughts should only be expressed in the company of close friends . We can't always know what others are experiencing .It's no wonder many keep effects of their cancer to themselves . Not everybody cares or understands .