I think how you feel is the important thing.
For me it's worth a think about where the things that make us feel good come from, and are they ultimately healthy or unhealthy - but in general, chasing what makes you feel good & happy is seldom wrong.
(Sorry, I don't want to side-track you, but mate I do think your a very fired up and resolute individual - and that can come at the cost of acceptance & perspective. I think there *is* a new you, and although I never met the old you, I personally am confident I'd find the new you a lot more impressive as a human being. I'm just writing this gibberish because I think it's important to respect that and not overly measure the future by the past)
You want to battle the side effects ? Great mate, I'm impressed by courage and fortitude. You mentioned paranoia and fear of death - those two are MASSIVE, and such elusive, tricky enemies to try and fight. Honestly, I'm regularly failing in that regard, but for me the best strategy is a kind of sideways forgetting, distracting myself with fun and love wherever I can.
You want to look better ? Cool mate, especially if that makes you feel better. You look good to me. I'm not a gay man, but hey, I'd pause and think about it (he says with a joking smile)
You're winning each day, and that's great. But what happens if you stop winning ? What happens if you have a setback ? Buddy, I just wanted to offer these words to you - you ARE the new you. Like it or not. You're changed. Your life has changed. Let's not bullshit and say "cancer makes you stronger", cancer is absolute dogshit on the shoe of the universe, it's a kick in the guts crap-fest. BUT .. the way you've overall battled it is extraordinary. I've noticed your remarks across the forums, invested with a strength and dignity that can't be ignored.
Are you a warrior ? Absolutely. But you're more than that, man. I have a friend who's a great fighter. professional athlete, mixed martial artist. Throughout his life, he's tackled every challenge like a bulldozer. Built like a brick shithouse. But cancer would destroy him. He wouldn't have the tools to take it on. He's a mad viking. but he isn't the warrior you are.
You've faced adversaries that many couldn't, and you continue to face them.
Yeah man, you're winning. But you're winning more than you think.
Sorry buddy, I just wanted to comment about perspective. I applaud the courage and vigour that you have in your attitude, mate - it's fantastic. I just wanted to say that you should weave these victories into that overall picture. Because you are a new you, even if you refuse to accept it.
And that new you is strong as all hell.
Strong enough to accept the things he cannot change, and fight fiercely for the things he can.
I guess it's that "I cannot/won't accept" language that freaks me out a little bit.
The take-away to research is phenomenally important, anybody dealing with cancer or it's side effects needs to read up and understand the treatments and some of their vicious side effects. But if you're suffering and looking for courage, I think the key is to find ways to feel better, find ways to be happy - for Viking Joe that's making war against the things that make him unhappy (and more power to him), but if someone else is here looking for strength - it's OK to take up the guitar or fart arse around with learning to paint landscapes. Try to minimise your symptoms, and sure - don't worry so much about a 'new you', there is a lot of bullshit language amongst cancer survivors (and the professionals who try to help them!) , and accepting the 'new you' is kinda one of them, bandied about like 'find your new normal'.
You sort of do need to do that - but do it your way. My humble opinion
There's this concept of a "Cancer Warrior" which is also, in my opinion, dripping with bullshit. Suffering cancer doesn't make you a warrior. Joe already was. I think I am, actually. But you don't *need* to be a warrior. Just have the courage to take things on as best you can, try and remember to love and be happy wherever you can. Cancer tries to steal that from you.
Sorry, I think I failed to articulate a point that on reading felt quite important 🙂 Oh well, stupid me.
Congrats Joe, you're a legend, even on days when the cancer shit gets to you more than it should, don't lose sight of that, you're inspiring in your approach. Good luck, mate.
