My tears have always come at different times for different reasons over my life. I cry when I am sad, I cry when I am happy, I cry well just sometimes cause I need to? I have respected Dads wishes not to cry in front of him over the past 16 months, with only one time when he was recently admitted to hospital and I just had to let it out. We talked about it, we hugged and he thanked me for trying to hold it together for as long as I did. He reflected with me and expressed that maybe it was a big ask to hold our emotions in when we were around him; especially given that I can be pretty emotional around my family especially with my Dad- its just always been that way. I have been able to keep it together since this time but on the weekend found the tears streaming down my face while sitting with my Dad, Mum and brother having a laugh...I was happy but I know that the tears were sadness. Sadness that these times together are so limited, sadness that my one strong Dad was looking very frail and sad too, sadness that my mum is looking very tired, worn and trying to hide so many emotions 😞 My Dad kept loking at my tears, Im sure he was wondering whether they really were the happy tears that they looked like but i don't think I fooled him.... I know its okay to cry and believe me there are times that the tears come for no reason. I cherish them though and reflect on why they are there. I love my Dad xox ... View more

As someone who has been looking for somewhere to turn I have finally found it! In the past week I ahve found this site to be an amazing place with people opening up and sharing with each other the inner most feelings and experiences. As a person who is watching from the outside I also want to thank the people on here for their support so far. I would also like to be here for others that are on this frightening journey; especailly for those that are watching parents and loved ones go through this. xxxxx ... View more

How do I reply when people ask "how is your Dad?" Do they really want to know? For a long while now I have just said okay, or he's not too bad which is how he will also respond to people when they ask him; I have seen him keep up appearances for tohers for so long as he doesn't want to worry them. Now I can't do it any longer, especially in the last month. Whenever anyone asks how is your dad to my face or even in an email, I find I am pouring it all out. Its unfair that they should have to be bourdened with my worries. I know that most ask as they gueniunely care but I can also see it in their faces that they are not prepared for my frank and honest response. Then there is the question of how are you coping with it all? Do they REALLY want to know the truth....because if I start telling you how it honestly is I will hear your reverse beepers going as you back away from me 🙂 Im angry, Im sad, Im scared, Im content, Im happy, Im tired... all at once! And yes there is a smile on my face most of the time that you see me cause if I don't smile everything else will take over and its the only way that the tsunami of feelings are kept inside. Maybe I should put out a broadcast to everyone - Only ask me if you REALLY want to know and be prepared for my response...if you don't want to know then please don't ask and know that I understand xox ... View more

Today is my RDO from work, I have been able to go and get my hair done and do the bits and pieces that I needed to. This has also included taking some old 8mm film to be put on to DVD. There were 4 films in total with them all have some images of my Dad on them. Dad had asked me a while ago to do this for him so that he could send them to his sister; there are also images of my grandfather who recently passed (Feb 2010) after also battling with the same cancer as my Dad. However due to some tensions in the family and for want of a better word, differences and me being a little selfish I had held off doing this for him. Given the news we received last week I have decided that that we need to be prepared for what is coming; a presentation of his life to many that have known him for a long long time and those that have only known my Dad since he moved into their local community 4 years ago. I know that there are some amazing images that have been captured on these films and that I will be able to use to show them all the man that I will remember him as; him water skiing, swimming, drinking and laughing with mates and being the best Dad that I could have ever wished for. I suppose that you are never fully prepared for this part of the journey as in many cases it is a sudden affair and you need to pull it all together amongst the fog of grief and loss. I still have that part going on but I can also watch these images and then go and give my Dad a hug, just not sure for how much longer. I have the time now to make sure that it is a reflection of the good the bad and the ugly (this could just be the image of my Dad in budgie smugglers!!) There are days when I can talk about this as if I am talking about someone else and then there are the days when someone just has to look at me the wrong way and im a mess. Today is one of the good days. I am in control and I can do this. Yesterday I also made a concious effort to write all the details that I can remember over the past 512 days as it is all a blurr. It has been a very amazing experience; I can feel the pain of each word as I type it and feel like I am in a theatre watching some new movie that has just been released. Details I can recall have been floored as I am not that much into remembering such details. When I dropped of the films the guy asked if I was in a hurry for them, as the earliest he could do was next week. Its all good i said but inside I was wanting to scream at him that these are for my Dad and he is dying 😞 but instead thanked him and said that would be fine...even though time is ticking quickly. ... View more

After stumbling across this site this morning and writing my first ever blog...I have now had a chance to read other peoples thoughts and I feel connected. I think I need to stay on top of here 🙂 ... View more