Hi Cats, Ditto what the others have said. Fear seems to be part and parcel of this situation in which we find ourselves. I am fearful evry time I have a slight sense of nausea - I'm sure that the cancer has gone to my liver. Totally irrational. I stressed myself out so much at Christmas that I deleved into the chemo drug box and found the maxalons! It fixed the nausea and I enjoyed Chrissy. I only have a wee small doggy rather than a cat but she snores to sleep beside me at times and is only the size of a cat so I substitute. Hope you are feeling better and getting some sleep - take care and cuddle the cat. S ... View more

Oh Willow, My heart breaks for you. Is there any way that you can financially not go back to work for a while? I was very lucky in that my Head teacher and Principal were unbelievably supportive and in fact sent me home for 2 days once when I couldn't stop crying for no real reason. Recently my sadness has taken over more than it should and I have decided to seek professional help through my GP. My reality of recurrence is nowhere near as confronting as your own and I have trouble dealing with it on a regular basis.I think that it is something we all have. I recall Sailor writing in a post that we don't cope with it, we just manage it. And there are times, such as your own, when others are so unreasonable that the managing becomes so difficult. You are not whingeing - your requests were more than reasonable and your manager is just someone who still just doesn't get it.If there is anyone else at work with whom you can discuss the situation you may be able to find a solution. I hope so. Take lots of care of yourself. S ... View more

Hi again, Seem to have really hit a nerve with me on this one! You are not being at all selfish. This has been very difficult for you and the kids as well. Perhaps what I am larning from this is even though my boys won't talk about it, they don't get what is happening to me (and them). Hmmm Julie it has taken my 2 years to finally admit to seeking help but I decided that 2 weeks of daily tears wasn't really normal. time to bring in the professionals! Evryone take care, S ... View more

Hi Alana, My God, does this thing never end for patients or carers?I am responding from a couple of perspectives I think. I saw my GP last week to have a mental health assessment done in order to see a counsellor as I decided I wasn't coping (nearly 2 years post treatment). My family refuses to talk about my fears and anxieties and even when i told my husband I had been to the Gp and told him why, I had no response. I have learned to live with this and consequently sought out professional help rather than relying on family. part of my reasoning for this seeking of help was that the relationship with my 20 year old has been deteriorating fast. He is quite self-centred at the best of times but I have felt it very keenly since being diagnosed and him not really appearing to notice or care. He won't change so I need help to learn how to deal with it. My relationship with my husband, while strong , has its moments as he doesn't want to understand that this is a lifelong thing for me. As far as he is concerned, the logic is that it will not return so evrything goes back to what it was before. Unfortunately I don't think logically all the time - the upshot is a lot of unspoken thoughts.Hopefully the counselling will assist me with understanding his perspective as well. Anyway,if T will talk to you, that may be a way of you both beginning to understand where you are both at and what anxieties and fears you both have. My honesty and tears fell on deaf ears unfortunately but the mere fact that you are asking about the patient's perspective as well indicates that you want to know how to deal with it all. How I admire you for that! While his return to work will be good, there is always the need to watch out that he is not overdoing it - physically or emotionally, depending on his job. Is he able to ease into it? I seem to have raved on but I hope the eggshells can be left behind and that both of you are able to talk and listen to each other. Maybe consider some professional assistance - available on medicare through your GP. I wish I had gone earlier. Take care, all of you, S ... View more

Hi Missy moo, I originaly posted this in the creative writer's group but it may be of relevence here. I find that with some people I am less patient with the inconsequential nature of their problems, but on the flip side I often find that I am more patient with those who demonstrate compassion. Unfortunately my immediate family don't like talking about my cancer and I am going to see a professional (as soon as they all come back from holidays!) to try to sort out the recurring bouts of sadness that have been ocurring far too often lately. I used to feel that I was gonig crazy and that these feelings were just because of my self centredness - this site helped me to relaise that many of us experience similar reactions - we just deal with them differently. Perhaps Christmas isn't such a good time for the publication of this. But here goes anyway!I have been working on it for a while but it is still rough around the edges. It stems from the fact that I do often feel very isolated in my new view of the world and I am still struggling with my new normal as those around me still expect the old normal.At times while I am sitting listening to conversations I feel that I am not part of them or that they have no relevance to me anymore. Outside Looking In The new normal - What is it? How this concept has changed. There are times now when a barrier exists - Separating me from the rest. When the others continue with the trivial, the mundane, The whining and complainin, I often find that I watch, observe as from behind an invisible blur Wondering why it is so important to them? While I often partake in banter and conversation, I sometimes notice myself Looking on from another place, Still in the room but somewhere else. Is it that the perspective has altered? Or that the understanding is greater and no longer absorbed by the banal? Does the facing of our own mortality bring us a level of peace along with the fear – Thus excluding ourselves from the perceived triflings of others. Strangely, this isolation can also come with a sense of smugness- “I have been where I hope you never have to go- These insignificant details leave me unimpressed.” While participating in it, the conversation often leaves me unengaged. Ultimately it leaves me saddened and my mind wanders to what may come of my normality inside the bubble, Behind the barrier. ... View more

Hi CAts and Sailor, Fortunately I don't have quite the side effects as you guys do for anaesthetic but I certainly remember(or remember I don't remember?) being told that the emergency bowel surgery revealed a serious tumour and that i was effectively being told I had cancer. I have a vague vision of 2 very serious doctors (I have been ver lucky with the compassion of my medical team on the whole) but I was so zonked on morphine and abdominal pain that I really didn't understand what they were saying.All I wanted was the naso-gatsric tube out!! About a week later I did have a discussion with my surgeon about how I was lucky that I didn't live in a 3rd world country etc as I only had 24 hours before my bowel would have perforated. When he told me that I was lucky to have been in the city rather than a rural area to have this emergency on a weekend, and that bowel perforation carries with it a 90% mortality rate, I suddenly relaised how sick I had been.As we all know the surgery, however, was just the beginning. Interesting how all of these factors influence how we now view things. A peaceful (and surgery free) New Year to all. S ... View more

Hi Trina, like the others have said - nothing is ever the same again but it does get easier - just different.Like Jules2 has said when I feel down about the long term side effects of my chemo(problems with neuropathy with my feet) I consider the alternative and think that some discomfort is a bettr option. Life has dealt us a crappy blow but I hope to take 2010 and run with it the best that I can. Don't be concerned that you aren't positive all the time - despite what some people say about a "positive attitude" it just isn't possible some days. Hang in there and keep chatting here when you need to. Samex ... View more

Hi Kym, I actually regret not keeping a diary through my experiences. I think that it may have assisted maintaining a perspective. When my friend died in June 2008, his wife rang me one day and cried after she had read his diaries. WHile we had been friends for 30 years, we became chemo buddies during 2007 -2008 and I was of course devastated by his death.Anyway, his wife had never realised how bad things were for him until she read the diaries.HE wasn't a "writer" and I think to put things down on paper must have helped him enormously. It would also be a good record of the more mundane things that doctors want to know but that sometimes we forget. Glad that you had a great Chrissy with your family. I know when I was sick my parents found it to be very difficult. S ... View more

Wow guys - thanks for the responses. Sharon this is the conversation I have tried to have with my family but have been unsuccessful hence posting the thoughts here. If it can help you then I am delighted! Sailor I like the metaphor of the monster as well. It always looms larger around test time doesn't it! Julie I am nearly at the 3 year mark (but need to be monitored for 5) but hope that I can do some forgetting by then. Hopefully the pieces may be in some sort of place by then. Once again thanks for your responses. S ... View more