About deejjay

deejjay

Hi Kat Sorry to hear of your dad's diagnosis. In the support group I attend they say it's very hard for carers and close ones as they sit by helplessly wanting to be able to cure or fix the person or save them from going through this difficult time and knowing that they can't. Plus of course grieving when the person is terminally ill. Even though I have cancer, it's breast cancer and even though there is a 40% chance of reocurrence, I'm not terminally ill and thus I can't fully understand what your dad is going through. But I do hear what you say and how much you want him to enjoy as much as possible the time he has left. When I was diagnosed I decided to try to enjoy life as much as possible and try not to waste time being angry and so forth. But of course at times I am, well maybe more grumpy ie complain about the traffic, bad attitudes and so forth. If he says you don't understand agree with him. But also tell him you care deeply for him and want to help him enjoy himself and be as happy as possible. At the same time do draw boundaries around his anger though, for example, say you're happy to listen to him talk but there is certain things you won't put up with and restate this if the thing happens. With the being pushed away say you're not there to do things for him but to spend time with him and do something pleasant. And that is natural you want to help him to make this difficult time easier. Is he taking anti depressants at all? Perhaps discuss that with the social worker or his doctor to see if that would help. His tendency to turn to alcohol is difficult as well as if he struggled with this when well then more difficult when not well. Maybe he would respond to trying anti depressants as a way of coping as they will also influence his mind. Anyhow we're always here to listen to you. Hugs Deejjay

deejjay

Samex what a lovely experience to have your friend acknowledge in front of so many others your difficult cancer experience. Jules I do agree that maintaining friendship shouldn't be so hard. Now I simply want friendships where it's easy to make arrangements with people who will commit to an arrangement and where I can be upfront with my needs. Of course I don't mind if a person says how about in 2 months and makes a definite commitment but I've got no patience for this wishy washy perhaps we should get together after such and such but we'll discuss it then and the I've been busy stuff. Nor then the why aren't you in contact with me. I'm now more likely to say if you can't make time to get together we'll probably drift apart and I'll leave up to you to get back to me WHEN you have a definite date in mind. I do feel relieved in a way about this friendship as I had felt very much I was doing all the grunt work and have wanted to say something so am pleased I did. But one does also find out who their true friends are and with mine now I'm through treatment I'm giving those who were there for me little thank you gifts. There was one friend who made the effort to visit me in hospital inspite of her own poor health and phoned regularly and another who lived quite a distance away who rang and emailed regularly but also said I'd like to either visit you in hosiptal or when you get home you let me know which is best for you. I choose at home as it was much more comfortable and fun and she thus came to visit.

deejjay

Hi Barbara, welcome to the site. Glad you've been able to get some answers from your medical people. Although it's very bad news you've received by the sounds of things it's good that you are making plans with what you want to do, the type of time you want to spend with important others and so forth. With the cold feeling in the hand arm with chemo I've experienced that too. Brrr. Hugs Deejjay

deejjay

Hi Julie that's happened to me too. Firstly it takes me a while to figure out that the the friendship is very uneven as I'm aware that the other person can be contributing in other ways. And in this case I fell for all the excuses. Then I look at behavioural strategies such as issuing invitations to my place, suggesting activities at half way points and so forth. Then if that doesn't work I'll directly raise the issue by saying something like "I feel like I'm doing all the travelling and would love it if you could come down my way", pose a few solutions to the excuses that come up but often don't get taken seriously as I've got a gentle manner. The continue to issue the invitations. I've also kept doing the travelling whilst trying to deal with it. And then it comes to a shock when I put my foot down. But up until then I've been reluctant to say if you continue to refuse to travel to me I don't see how we can continue a friendship as I'm not going to continue to do this. Cancer does change our attitudes as doing cancer is hard, time consuming and thus it's easy to say well if I can still keep up friendships and make the time and effort to see you why can't you.

deejjay

Good point Harker I haven't actually said that's it but more said what was happening for me. Jules that's a shame about your friend continuing to expect one way travel from you. I do find it amazing when people expect others to always travel to them and never think about reciprocation especially when invited or something is said. I know that it's not always 50/50 in any friendship and give and take can change over time but when it gets so uneven for such a long time (in this situation it's 4 years without a reciprocation visit) that's when I get resentful. Now with having been through cancer and needing to juggle work, treatment and other things it comes down to do I spend 4 hours traveling to see someone who doesn't do it for me or do I not do the travel but instead use that time to catch up with others, meet new people or do other things.

deejjay

I know we've all been through those issues where we feel a friend has not supported us or been there for us or unable to cope with our diagnosis. I had a recent issue with a friend that lives a couple of hours away that I used to travel to regularly to visit pre cancer but they would never reciprocate visits. I had been through the firstly issuing several invitations (as some people need to be specifically invited) then discussing this with them well before diagnosis. Time nor fares is not an issue here. Then continuing to issue invitations even after having been diagnosed. Anyhow got diagnosed, went through treatment which finished end of June 10 and thus priotised the friends that did make the effort to visit or meet at half way points (those living at some distance) as well as local friends that were easy to make arrangements with. This was whilst still working part time, attending weekly chemo treatment and sorting out a will and superannuation, meeting with uni to discuss going back and so forth. Anyhow got an email with an aggressive tone stating that I had not kept in touch even though I seemed to have with others. I responded saying that I felt it was better to meet to talk face to face as the written word can be misinterpreted, said the above and suggested the friend make a time to come out my way. I would have agreed to meeting at a half way point if the friend had suggested this. Anyhow the response was the friendship is over. Part of the reason why I wanted this friend to come out my way was I didn't want to be driving a 4 hour round trip just after finishing radiotherapy and then would not have time once I re start classes in late July to do long trips to visit people who don't reciprocate. Have others had this experience and was I being unreasonable. I guess I've come out of the cancer experience not wanting to be the friend that puts in 110% effort to very little back but am insisting on more give and take friendships plus of course not wanting to waste precious time.

deejjay

Hi Frangipani I know it's while since you posted but have you had genetic testing. I have a couple of friends I've made who have breast cancer who have had or are undergoing genetic testing. The result may make it easier to make a decision although you will need some genetic counselling before making such a decision as well as it can come with it's own issues. Perhaps discuss this with your doctors. How's the muscle and feeling going under the armpit? Take care DJ

deejjay

Hi Jill Yes it is hard and with low energy and being emotionally shattered as well there's not much else that you can really do about asking and telling people what type of support you need except via the group email thing or alternatively phone calls which gets too much. It's like how often can one reiterate what their needs are and how they want people to respond and support them. And it's harder when the person grieving feels one has to help others cope with their grieving and thus hold back on being honest about truly how they are coping. The other day I had a friend who's never made the effort to come down to visit me inspite of many visits from me prior to cancer nor send a card send me an abusive email berating me for not keeping in touch. Anyhow it's a very difficult time you are going through and hoping as time goes on that the sunshine becomes more and more. Hugs again DJ

deejjay

Hi Merkel Sorry to hear of all your losses. Losing so many family members to cancer is hard. But congratulations on your own story. Jenny sorry to hear of your loss with your husband as well. It is hard when the person doesn't go ahead with treatment, I had a friend who did that with breast cancer and it's frustrating as the person could be still around today. Merkel I do agree with you that it's important for all people to be vigilant about their medical checks. Can be hard for some as some doctors will view that as being hypochondria but one still has to insist even if it means going to a new doctor to get it done. Take care DJ

deejjay

Hi Jules Sorry to hear that the rotator cuff needs surgery. Have you had any physiotherapy for it at all to try to avoid surgery. Anyhow best of luck with the surgery when you do undergo it. Not sure if I am on the eligibility list yet but would be surprised if not. Hard to know how I feel 100% re the job I applied for, I've had a few disapointements in jobs and thus am a little more reserved in that way now. But I do feel the best thing is to have some more time before taking on a new job anyhow. With the law and human services, you could probably do both, ie some legal type position in a human service environment, community law, human rights, govt human service related law. I recently did a choosing your career type course to see if things had changed and before deciding whether to go back to study or not. I found it very insightful as it went into Myers Briggs and so forth. Cheers for now Deejjay

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