Today, I went to the lake for a walk. I cried. I cried not because of unhappiness, not because I am angry but because I am still a human being. I am much more calmer, focus but still need the space and time on my own. I suddenly realised that no matter what we try. It all depends on how my husband's body act against the cancer cells. There is absolutely nothing I can do or offer to help. (as previously said he is not interested on any fruit/vegetable drinks, any religions group, any special cancer programs) I just have to leave it to the Nature to take the load. ... View more

It is nearly end April. My husband will have his 4th round of AVISTAN this Wed. His cancer marker went further down to 437 two weeks ago. The oncology aims to get it down to 100. It will only be of a control management, I guess (continuous chemo but no surgery). It is ANZAC day that we went to the city to join a few beers with the pipe band members. He has 2 beers, felt really tired but was very pleased when friends came to say hello to him. I understand we have to accept what's happening and to deal with the process one day at a time. It is just very difficult to do, that's all. I am always a very independent lady. High esteem. Running 100miles an hour. Suddenly, I am not able to travel away. My husband is always with me. On the positive side, I am lucky to share his journey with me, no matter how long and how rocky it will be. On the day when he has to attend his daughter's gradation ceremony and I went to explore the suburb on my own. I suddenly was in a panic mode that (OH MY GOD), this is how I will be when he is not around as I am the one wondering on my own. How I miss him ! Then, my thoughts go to the other way: well, he will want me to enjoy life as much as I could, right? So, be it and enjoy! (I can see how dark thoughts can come so easily and take charge of our emotions. I have to learn how to let his negative go as soon as it comes). Rainbow blog continuous:- 1) I have accepted that my husband did try his best but there are days when he just didn't want anything to eat at all. At least he tries to drink 2 x supplement drinks when he can't eat anything. I really appreciated his effort. 2) When I am down, I went to the beach or the lake for a walk. I need a break on my own. I sometimes find it easier to walk with my walking-buddy as well. A few chats, a few distracting conversations make my heart comes lighter. 3) I understand it is very important for my husband to be alerted and keep his contact with the outside world as much as he can. He went twice to the Day-Care centre now (if his health allows him to). It gives him a break as well as me. I went to the library to do my tapestry or reading. I enjoy the moments to be on my own. I do. 4) I have made and printed my weekly schedule, so that I am focus on what's happening as well as what I have achieved during the week. (to give myself a booze up). On the paper, I also write: - Try to do something I enjoy everyday - Eat 3 fruits a day - Try to make contact with someone on a daily basis. - Try to have some short time out for myself and record it down - Live everyday as if today is the last day of my life - Find a project to do and concentrate on it - Find a mentally challenge project - Relaxation, Meditation - Positive Thinking. SMILE ... View more

I am new to the blog, but like everybody does, we love the sailor's talk. He makes out think OUTSIDE the square! Beautifully written. Thanks sailor. Please don't travel to never-never-land yet, keep writing, we need you on this blog! ... View more

oh dear, I like this blog as it applies the same to a carer (which is me). I am also lost at time on how to cope the un-known, the un-certainty. Perhaps this is life! We can only do some much on the parts that are controlled by us, that we knew of. Cancer is an un-known factor to deal with. How long to live? What's next? What's if? Too many questions with few answers (or nil). I have learnt through the caring process that there is no one answer to one question to one cancer. (the name of the cancer to many people might be the same, the treatment might be the same, the drugs used might be the same. But the patient's body reaction and the coping to the processes are all different). I also went to see counselling at early stage (as it is the stress of the un-known that is most difficult to handle). The counsellor asks me to accept it. I did. But it is still hard as either we are caring someone we love. ... View more

Me too, my husband don't normally want me to dry his body after his shower. Friend said it is the man-issue, it shows their weakness. But these days, when he is weak, he asks me to. That shows the loving part, he knows deep in his heart that I care and I am there when he needs me. That's important! ... View more

$ is not an issue. Even sit down with a cup of tea with your love ones already shows the love and care to each other. How's that sound if each of you go and find a $5/10 gift to each other? (it is the effort that count most) ... View more

Rainbow Blog continue:- 1) When my husband feels he is up to it, he will eat as much as his taste buds allow (he now understand more on the chemo effect). He wants to keep his weight (at least not dropping). 2) When his energy is up to it, we will drive out to the beach for an hour or so. He even go to the Palliative Day Care centre for a few hours, have a good chat and a good laugh with other people. He forgets his body pain for a moment. 3) Because of his backpain (cancer cells damaged a position in the spinal cord as well). He hasn't been able to sleep in our bed for couple of months but sleep in the massage chair which is in the lounge. (it seems the chair holds his body in position and he didn't turn that much). Nevertheless, during the last 10 days, he came to our bed, he miss it; even though he might have to bear with his backpain during the night turns. 4) I went twice to counselling. (to talk with someone who doesn't know me). The latest counsellor is good, we acknowledged a few points that I need to work on for myself:- a) trust myself b) engaged in more relaxation and meditations for myself, during a day c) accept what happens d) keep myself mentally stimulate (doing this blog is one of the way) e) positive thinking f) SMILES ... View more

You are a brave woman. You come to peace with what you have and will go through any obstacles in your life, it might be hard, but you will get through them. Have trust on yourself. ... View more