About johnrp1964

johnrp1964

Hi there, another night,havent been on here in ages now, but thought i'd drop back in to say hello. Since I was last on my relationship has taken a turn for the worse. I am living with my fiancee but she is so negative about everything and claims I have put her through hell since we moved in together. I dont know what she means exactly by this.. I ask her for specifics and she wont give them. We havent had a relationship of any sort for about 6 months. We have tried counselling and that hasnt worked. So now I have decided to take the bull by the horns so to speak and get out. She is supposed to be my carer, but if this is caring i think Id prefer to die alone. Even her own family advises me to end it, that she will never change. I just wish I'd known all this before we bought a house together. All I wanted was someone to love and be loved by till I am no more, looks like that aint happenin anytime soon, oh well 😞

johnrp1964

Hi there all, just an update to let you all know I am doing ok 🙂 Getting chemo now, doing the carboplatin and gemcitabyne. Sitting at the hospital is the most boring part. I take my laptop and me and my fiance watch a movie together on it with dual headphones 🙂 I also make a picnic lunch so we dont have to eat that dreadful hospital food although last week they did have chocolate cake. Last week we got turned away from chemo cos my platelet count was too low, so rest for a week and then come back. Have also been busy getting two houses ready to go up for sale so that we can buy a place of our own together. Yay! Never been so busy or got so much done in all of my life. I do hate what its doing to my body though. Yesterday I was doing the simple task of cleaning a few things out of the garage and ran out of breath and just wanted to collapse in a heap. The day before I went to church and couldnt sit down because my legs hurt so bad. It got so bad I was in tears but went out to the car and took one of my pills and was right again soon enough. This treatment better work I am so not giving up have so much to live for and so much to look forward to!

johnrp1964

I wrote this huge post the other day and then went to save it and the website came back with some error. Does this happen to anyone else. I had spent an hour writing an eloquent piece only to have lost it. From now on I am going to write my posts in notepad and then that will make sure I have a copy of it if the site goes down unexpectedly.

johnrp1964

One thing that upsets me a lot is hearing how quickly stage 4 cancer sufferers seem to go downhill. Since my diagnosis of stage 4 adenocarcinoma I have almost lost the will to go on living knowing what might be ahead. I have days when I am happy and the only thing that does bring me happiness is being with my fiance and her kids, thinking that I might be dead in a years time is too much for me. This morning I lay in bed calling out my fiances name even though she was at work. I lay there feeling like my body was made of lead, i couldnt move, the one thing that got me out of bed was when she called me several hours later . I dont want to die and I dont want to be without her. I am getting counselling, I havent started chemo even yet but a lot of the time i feel like my time is up

johnrp1964

Hi there Jane and welcome to the site. Sorry to hear of the bad news for both your partner and yourself. I know from my own experience that hearing others say sorry doesnt make much difference when all you want is for the damn thing to go away so you can resume normal life. I was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer but am not experiencing too many side effects of it as yet, probably as I haven't started chemotherapy. The worst I've been through so far is the change of medication for another condition I have. I started that yesterday and its really hit me hard. Feel free to share what you feel with all of us here. I havent been here for a while but intend to make it online daily now. Will be thinking of both you and your partner so keep me updated on how things are going for you both. John

johnrp1964

Hi there Jane and welcome to the site. Sorry to hear of the bad news for both your partner and yourself. I know from my own experience that hearing others say sorry doesnt make much difference when all you want is for the damn thing to go away so you can resume normal life. I was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer but am not experiencing too many side effects of it as yet, probably as I haven't started chemotherapy. The worst I've been through so far is the change of medication for another condition I have. I started that yesterday and its really hit me hard. Feel free to share what you feel with all of us here. I havent been here for a while but intend to make it online daily now. Will be thinking of both you and your partner so keep me updated on how things are going for you both. John

johnrp1964

Cant wait to escape all the crap! Tonight though the cancer can go to hell. Its grand final day (go cats lol) and we have our engagement party tonight. Gosh Im so nervous....my speech is all ready 🙂 Everythings ready. Today I'm happy oh yeah 🙂

johnrp1964

I was a little incorehent last night. I did get a lot of answers from the oncologist yesterday. This is what they told me. I have adenocarcinoma. The origin of the cancer is still unknown but they suspect that it is most likely a lung primary. Its also non small-cell cancer. The cancer is on both sides of the lung. The MRI I had of my brain came back clear, so I guess that's one positive thing. The cancer is at stage 4 and is not operable or curable. The best they think they can do for me is to give me treatment anyway. I had to do another series of blood tests (LDH and BHCG) whatever the hell that all means. This was to rule out that the cancer is of testicular origin which they said responds well to treatment. They say this is pretty unlikely though. The cancer is in lungs and has spread to the lymph nodes in my neck. There was also a small lump showing up in my lower back area. Something called a presacral nodule. The oncologist will meet with the radiology team to see what they think. They are sending more of my biopsy tissue off for mutation testing which will indicate whether I can have treatment with tablets rather than PIC line? chemotherapy. The mutation analysis takes about 3 weeks. More waiting. I hate it, I really do. Tomorrow night I have my engagement party. I am not holding up well at all and I have to give a bloody speech. All I have been doing all morning is crying my bloody eyes out. It really tore me up lying next to my fiance this morning watching her face while she slept. I have waited 46 years to find true happiness only to end up having the rug pulled from under me. I told her that was the worst thing about all this, that I really wanted a long future with her and suddenly now everything is in fast forward mode. I said that I just cant contemplate being separated from her in any way I also asked her how she felt about this as I can see everyone is sympathetic towards me as I have the cancer. She says that she lives in denial and tries not to think about it. I thanked her and held her and told her how much it meant to me for us to be able to discuss it. This morning I am so aware of my breathing. It may sound crazy but I started to wonder how many breaths i have left in me, that I am one closer to the end. Its a terrible feeling. I am not afraid of dying at all really as I believe whats on the other side will be good. I just hate to think about leaving what I have right now behind when I go.

johnrp1964

I was a little incorehent last night. I did get a lot of answers from the oncologist yesterday. This is what they told me. I have adenocarcinoma. The origin of the cancer is still unknown but they suspect that it is most likely a lung primary. Its also non small-cell cancer. The cancer is on both sides of the lung. The MRI I had of my brain came back clear, so I guess that's one positive thing. The cancer is at stage 4 and is not operable or curable. The best they think they can do for me is to give me treatment anyway. I had to do another series of blood tests (LDH and BHCG) whatever the hell that all means. This was to rule out that the cancer is of testicular origin which they said responds well to treatment. They say this is pretty unlikely though. The cancer is in lungs and has spread to the lymph nodes in my neck. There was also a small lump showing up in my lower back area. Something called a presacral nodule. The oncologist will meet with the radiology team to see what they think. They are sending more of my biopsy tissue off for mutation testing which will indicate whether I can have treatment with tablets rather than PIC line? chemotherapy. The mutation analysis takes about 3 weeks. More waiting. I hate it, I really do. Tomorrow night I have my engagement party. I am not holding up well at all and I have to give a bloody speech. All I have been doing all morning is crying my bloody eyes out. It really tore me up lying next to my fiance this morning watching her face while she slept. I have waited 46 years to find true happiness only to end up having the rug pulled from under me. I told her that was the worst thing about all this, that I really wanted a long future with her and suddenly now everything is in fast forward mode. I said that I just cant contemplate being separated from her in any way :( I also asked her how she felt about this as I can see everyone is sympathetic towards me as I have the cancer. She says that she lives in denial and tries not to think about it. I thanked her and held her and told her how much it meant to me for us to be able to discuss it. This morning I am so aware of my breathing. It may sound crazy but I started to wonder how many breaths i have left in me, that I am one closer to the end. Its a terrible feeling. I am not afraid of dying at all really as I believe whats on the other side will be good. I just hate to think about leaving what I have right now behind when I go.

johnrp1964

Today I had my first appointment with the oncologist. It was shit, scuse french. I have adenocarcinoma. Cancer is in both lungs, they are also looking at a presacral nodule which is supposed to be somewhere down my back area. It's also spread to the glands in my neck. I was doing ok at my first meeting with them till they broke the news to me that the cancer is at stage 4 and is incurable. I was told that people with stage 4 lung cancer typically survive around 1-2 years. Tonight im looking up holiday deals. This shit is too much to take anymore. I cant get counselling till i see the mental health care nurse on the 23rd november. The person who runs the only cancer support group in town is away on school holidays. So sick of all this crap. I want someone to talk to in person, not over the phone or email. I give up.

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