Sorry, I realise this comment is late - but I think your GP made a really bad call.  If you were referred into the public system, cancer is always looked at on a high-risk basis.  Even in the middle of all this COVID fun & games, you would have been seen pretty promptly I reckon (unless you live on a cattle station or something).   In my experience, the public system is great, and probably even more accessible and quicker than a private doctor, who deals with scheduling and whatnot based on their own criteria.   (Honestly, my personal opinion is that your GP might be some kind of an idiot - and gave you horrible advice - you should have immediately been referred to your local metro hospital ENT clinic for urgent diagnosis).   The public system is good, and part of the reason is the triage / duty of care mandate - cancer is life threatening, so it jumps the queue over a lot of chronic, even very serious, respiratory issues.     But yeah, further - your GP can order a biopsy - without knowing the details, they can refer you to one of the imaging clinics (many of which provide bulk billable services).  In my case I was referred for a fine needle aspiration / biopsy by my local GP, which he did concurrent to referring me to the hospital ENT clinic.     It's all situational, so I may be unfair not knowing the detail - but let's say the suspicious symptoms were fatigue and a swelling in the lymph node on the left side of your neck .. doctor could have referred you for urgent ENT evaluation in the hospital system while concurrently obtaining a biopsy.  That's what happened for me, anyway.   Sorry, no two ways around it, I personally think your GP screwed up.  I think they made a bad call.  Sure, it's just my two cents, and maybe completely unfair, but I really don't think the course of action they suggested is sound or prudent, as a person who's gone through all this stuff from a patient's point of view.  It was further delinquent of them not to take into account your resources and any limitations in that regard - what the hell is the point of pressing you toward a private clinic if you are worried about being able to pay for the consult, let alone subsequent bills ?   Further, not every private ENT is going to be highly competent with the oncology stuff.  Sure they'll know all about it no doubt, but some ENTs might have more of a surgical background than diagnostic, who knows - they're just one person, whereas in the hospital system it'll be the ENT clinic and a team of doctors, so you can be pretty comfortable one of the attending physicians looks at suspicioius oncology stuff every day.   The major metro hospitals will have a multi-disciplinary approach with initial cancer diagnostics & treatment plans - you get looked at by a few ENTs, radiation oncologists, chemo oncologists, they look at the scans, discuss your case - having an outside ENT involved or steering is probably even non-viable (and likely pretty bloody expensive)   Maybe you're in an area where the local hospital service is very limited, and they have more insight into that than I do - so take my remarks with a grain of salt ..... BUT .... whether it's Cairns Base Hospital or Brisbane Metro's RBWH, they'll take a potential cancer prognosis seriously and prioritise accordingly.  Maybe you're in a black spot area or something .. but if you're in one of the major cities, I'd take a very long look at your GP.   Let us know how you went - hopefully no cancer (but hey, in my experience where there is smoke there's fire).  If you did get diagnosed with cancer, I hope the prognosis is good, and treatment is already underway.  It's outside my experience whether a few weeks can make a trajectory difference for whatever class of cancer (mine was tonsil), but hopefully everything is on track, even if you got off to a shaky start.   Sorry if this reads a bit ranty - I guess I am a little angry about the advice you got, it really seems to me to fall so clearly and notable in the "BAD" column.   Hope it's all worked out, let us know your situation if you are so inclined ? ... View more

OK buddy, don't let the "local involvement" freak you out - if it's been shown by the PET scan that it hasn't travelled any where distant, the treatment for tonsil cancer + lymph node is basically the same .. well, actually I can't speak for the surgical approach, I understand in addition to yanking out the tonsils or whatever, they'd have to perform a thing called a "neck dissection"   Surgery wasn't viable for me, cancer was too big and advanced, I'd just trust the doctors - but I had chemoradiation and it took care of the source and the lymph nodes.  It means a bit of extra radiation to the neck, and you'll deal with possible burns & dermatitis, but it's just a few weeks in hell, after which the side effects slowly get better.  You just need to distract yourself, keep some daily fun or amusement in your life, and pull through the treatment phase.   Anyway, your doctors are a much better source of information than me, heh - but take heart that you dodged a bullet if it hasn't spread elsewhere, don't let 'local lymph node involvement' discourage you too much - tackle the bastardly thing, and stay strong, brave and loving for as long as you can, mate. ... View more

Hey Hey   The fact that it's hard to find could be seen as both plus and minus - but when I found out mine had not metastasized beyond local lymph nodes, I did a little dance.   Mine was big, impossible not to find, and advanced to local lymph nodes - basically caught at the last possible moment.  And I beat it.     It sounds like you're in the fight much earlier - and mate, the earlier you attack this kind of cancer, the more significantly better is your prognosis.  Late game I was a bit of a coin toss (with the benefit of that +20%), you may be more in the neighbourhood of 80% as a starting point .. your +20 can push you up to more of a "numbers are dramatically in your favour, there's just a 1 chance in 200 that the cancer wins"   Also .. second thing, kinda morbid gallows humour I guess - BUT - bear in mind that if you have a 1 in 100 chance of losing the fight .. when you're next in the clinic and glance around, you'll see that many of your compatriots are old, infirm, falling to bits.  So the likelihood that you're the 1 probably is narrower still given your life stage advantages.   Take heart and be strong.  Good luck.   Keep updating by all means - if you find yourself needing advice, I (and many others who have been through this) are ready to help.  Trust your doctors but double-check, I reckon !   My last little bit of advice would be to use the cancer as a reminder that life is finite.  None of us, not a single one, get out of the Game of Life with a winning ticket, we all have to go someday.  The back-handed gift of cancer can be that it is a constant reminder of this, and if you take that reminder with an unhealthy outlook it can lead to apathy and depression .. but if you are strong of heart, it can nudge you into injecting yourself more fully into the joys in your life.  Love your kids, cuddle them, parent them, enjoy it even when it's one of those for-f's-sake-eat-your-effing-broccoli moments.   If it's confined to your tonsil and a surgical solution is available, don't be freaked out if they want to do some spot radiation too (as a precaution).  Just read up on the chemo if they suggest that, as it's where some of the longer term side effects come from.   Choo Choo !  Jump on the Beat-Cancer train ! ... View more

Hi Mate   First up, read on P16 and HPV positive cancers.  It increases the survival rate over general cancer by about 20%.     Mine was tonsil also and found very late.  No biopsy or surgery, detected by physical exam, pathology test and ultimately a PET scan to verify and size it.  Treated with chemoradiation.   I was aged 47 at the time, three young sons - the youngest was 3 or 4 at the time.  They suggested at the staging of my disease, if treatment was unsuccesful, I had 6 months to live.  This was more than 3 years ago, hopefully still cancer free.   Your life has changed, it will never go back to what it was.  BUT - you have a good chance at survival, the big and important question is:  has the cancer metastasized elsewhere in my body ?   If it has, don't freak out - if it's advanced only to your local lymph nodes, they can be treated surgically and with the radiation.  Radiation is the main defense for your type of cancer, I think the chemo just increases your survival rates by like 2% or something .. ask the doctors, don't rely on my words - but I'd suggest, with kids - take anything and everything that will help you survive (note a nagging spouse increases your survival rate by 1-2% as well !)   Even if it's late stage and advanced, the raw survival chance might be 40% or something, but +20% because of the HPV .. and that's the kind of worst case.  If you're caught early, local only, your natural survival rate might be closer to 80%, and the +20% tips you over into pretty strong numbers.   Sorry - I'm all about data rational choices, and I find the math comforting, especially with my kid's futures impacted so heavily.   You can pull through, buddy - materially I had the same situation, and although that's no guarantee, when I was in your place, I felt untethered, afraid - but after a long and tricky struggle, I pulled through.   Mate, if it's useful to you, I wrote a lot of my experience in two threads, one of them you'll find here:   I've just been diagnosed >  Important Advice : This isn't the end   The other is in:   Treatment and Side Effects > can't remember exactly what the thread is called, but it's about PEG tubes, mucositis, radiation burns, all the kind of things you can expect with your cancer profile are narrated there, by myself and a bunch of other folks who have gone through it.   My main advice:  stay psychologically strong, don't be deterred - do everything you can to survive this, and try and be happy and make your family happy for as long as you have left, whether it's 2 years, 20 or 200.  Whether you have cancer or not, I think that's important advice .. don't let fear and uncertainty rob you of the love and joy that's available to you today.   All the best ! ... View more

Hey Mate   Framing things in your belief that love goes on after death casts a different light on things .. but honestly I think the philosophical and ethical construct still holds water and I really hope it helps, even a little bit, to process what is a massively difficult thing.   It's easy to do the right thing in times of peace and plenty - but when you face strife, suffering, war, death - to make a noble gesture is, in my opinion, quite beautiful.  Even if it's futile, even if everybody loses, I personally believe it doesn't undermine the fine spiritual meaning woven into a high-minded choice.   You have the opportunity to do that - but yeah I get it, the idea that you're connected beyond death is something that adds a profound new layer to it.   However:  my personal view is that beliefs are like rectums -> we all have one, and it's seldom productive to compare them, AND nobody can be completely sure that theirs is the 'BEST' one.  (heh, ewww ?)   So as much as your heart tells you there's something after - you may be right ("I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for").  Shit, what happened there.  Billy Joel just jumped into my stream of consciousness.  Sorry mate 🙂  ... you may be right .. but you could also be wrong.   I still think it's useful to cast your mind forward into what happens to her after you're gone.  And base your decision making, thinking, words and actions, on that future consequence -- because I think it's a heavy and quite serious problem you're dealing with, mate, and I sympathise.   For me, one way to really sharpen the ethical construct is to remove death from the picture and consider total physical disablement.  So in essence you ARE gone, and you ARE still there.  No doubt.   You can communicate slightly, and with great difficulty.  You are confined to a hospital room.  She visits you daily, pulling you back from the white cloud you otherwise live in.   Would you want her to have that extra layer of happiness and companionship in your life ?   Not being superficial about it, or trying to preach or pre-suppose your answer, it's a genuine question, and I get that the answer may very well be NO!  For me, I think it's YES.  It would hurt, and I'd probably hate it quite a little bit .. but I love her.  I want her to be happy.  I don't want her loyalty to me to cost her any guilt, pain, grief. After all, romantic love ... that's fine.  Expressing it sexually - that's just sex, right ?  I mean, in theory a person can carry platonic love for any number of people.  You'd have no motivation to confine that, right ?  You're happy if she loves the lady down the street, or her best friend Jerry who is a weird grown man who collects comic books.  As long as they don't kiss and rub bits, right ?   So that's another useful approach.  Do you want to place limitations on her ability to emotionally connect with people in future ?    And if not .. cool.  Sex .. I mean that's a trivial thing, right ?  In a lot of ways.  My thinking anyway.  No need to muddy and corrupt a white, light, righteous and beautiful love by getting too caught up in the rumpy-pumpy stuff.  When you're together and all is well ... loyalty and monogamy.  When you're unable to share that physical bond .. is it really the end of the world if she finds another outlet ? Just my extra thoughts mate, sorry if any of it is offensive .. for me when I have these kind of ethical situations, it's really useful to get a different point of view, even if I don't adapt my own, it allows me to kind of re-align my compass a little bit. Good luck mate,  be happy for as long as you can. S ... View more

Hey Mate   It's a tricky one - clearly you love your wife, and the idea of sharing her with anybody is an affront.  I get that.  I can't really give practical advice about coping, but I do have some thoughts about it in a philosophical and ethical sense.   1) Cancer, and facing death - it's all about letting go.  I think before the end it's important to learn as many lessons as possible, finish as many stories, pass on as much as you can that people are willing to hear.  I think that possessiveness in a relationship speaks to both passion and fear - we're afraid of betrayal, afraid of losing someone, afraid of being alone - I think that's something to let go of.  At the end of the day, I think it's worth going into whatever follows as unburdened as possible.   2) You want her to be happy.  Consider the grief inflicted by your loss.  You love her, so no doubt she loves you.  She'll spend at least a year alone, untethered, ravaged by grief.  The troubles of this world no longer sit on your shoulders, but she still has to carry them .. alone.  You need to cast your mind into her future, and weigh that up.  Would you rather see her alone, bereft and miserable, or having a companion, someone to make her happy, even though it can no longer be you ?   3) Your ambivalence breeds her guilt.  As you cast this around in your mind, maybe react awkwardly if it ever comes up in discussion, as you wince and frown or cry and rage - whatever reaction you show to her, it will inflict current and future guilt.  You need to weigh that into your approach.  Maybe if you can fast-track your processing of this, you'll reach the conclusion that I do - it's ethical, kind and righteous to bless her and do your utmost to make her feel your support about whatever she wants to do.  She may decide *NOT* to remarry, but ultimately if you take any posture *OTHER* than "it's your life, I bless you and want you to be happy,  please, after I'm gone, do everything you can to be happy" .. well, if you put forward any energy that isn't that .. I think it's going to inflict future pain on her.   4) Being in a relationship is actually a testimony to you.  She's happier with a partner, she is more comfortable with a ying to her yang - that means you've done a pretty bloody good job in setting that expectation for her, in satisfying her needs.  Her next partner isn't your competitor, or even your replacement, it's someone trying to help nourish the need that she has in her heart, which has been fostered by you.  "My husband was great, a wonderful man, I loved having him in my life" .. I imagine it's that line of thinking that is what motivates her toward looking to a new relationship.  Maybe that's worth taking as a positive.   Look, I'm not trying to trick you into thinking or feeling in a way that you don't - I'd just personally follow the above sort of thinking - for me, I'd want my wife to be happy, I wouldn't necessarily want her to "move on", but I definitely wouldn't want her drag me to a taxidermist and keep me in her life in a creepy lingering way that is ultimately unhealthy.   The short of it:  you're gone, mate, bless her and let her be happy.  Even if it's a noble sacrifice and outside what you feel and want, it's what's best for her.  If you bless her now, even if it's contrary to your feelings, she'll have less guilt and stress and loneliness later, and for that, I would stand tall and salute you.  I think Sacrifice is a great human virtue, and by prioritising her future over your current feelings, you go into whatever comes next with a big shining piece of karma to pin to your jacket, you know ?   I'm sorry you're sick.  You're not dead yet, I hope you make the most of whatever time remains to you, and I hope it's 100 years.   Best of luck,   Captain Australia (Simon!) ... View more

I think how you feel is the important thing.   For me it's worth a think about where the things that make us feel good come from, and are they ultimately healthy or unhealthy - but in general, chasing what makes you feel good & happy is seldom wrong.   (Sorry, I don't want to side-track you, but mate I do think your a very fired up and resolute individual - and that can come at the cost of acceptance & perspective.  I think there *is* a new you, and although I never met the old you, I personally am confident I'd find the new you a lot more impressive as a human being.  I'm just writing this gibberish because I think it's important to respect that and not overly measure the future by the past)   You want to battle the side effects ?  Great mate, I'm impressed by courage and fortitude.  You mentioned paranoia and fear of death - those two are MASSIVE, and such elusive, tricky enemies to try and fight.  Honestly, I'm regularly failing in that regard, but for me the best strategy is a kind of sideways forgetting, distracting myself with fun and love wherever I can.   You want to look better ?  Cool mate, especially if that makes you feel better.  You look good to me.  I'm not a gay man, but hey, I'd pause and think about it (he says with a joking smile)   You're winning each day, and that's great.  But what happens if you stop winning ?  What happens if you have a setback ?   Buddy, I just wanted to offer these words to you - you ARE the new you.  Like it or not.  You're changed.  Your life has changed.  Let's not bullshit and say "cancer makes you stronger", cancer is absolute dogshit on the shoe of the universe, it's a kick in the guts crap-fest.  BUT .. the way you've overall battled it is extraordinary.  I've noticed your remarks across the forums, invested with a strength and dignity that can't be ignored.   Are you a warrior ?  Absolutely.  But you're more than that, man.  I have a friend who's a great fighter.  professional athlete, mixed martial artist.  Throughout his life, he's tackled every challenge like a bulldozer.  Built like a brick shithouse.  But cancer would destroy him.  He wouldn't have the tools to take it on.  He's a mad viking. but he isn't the warrior you are.   You've faced adversaries that many couldn't, and you continue to face them.   Yeah man, you're winning.  But you're winning more than you think.   Sorry buddy, I just wanted to comment about perspective.  I applaud the courage and vigour that you have in your attitude, mate - it's fantastic.  I just wanted to say that you should weave these victories into that overall picture.  Because you are a new you, even if you refuse to accept it.   And that new you is strong as all hell.   Strong enough to accept the things he cannot change, and fight fiercely for the things he can.   I guess it's that "I cannot/won't accept" language that freaks me out a little bit.   The take-away to research is phenomenally important, anybody dealing with cancer or it's side effects needs to read up and understand the treatments and some of their vicious side effects.  But if you're suffering and looking for courage, I think the key is to find ways to feel better, find ways to be happy - for Viking Joe that's making war against the things that make him unhappy (and more power to him), but if someone else is here looking for strength - it's OK to take up the guitar or fart arse around with learning to paint landscapes.  Try to minimise your symptoms, and sure - don't worry so much about a 'new you', there is a lot of bullshit language amongst cancer survivors (and the professionals who try to help them!) , and accepting the 'new you' is kinda one of them, bandied about like 'find your new normal'.    You sort of do need to do that - but do it your way.  My humble opinion    There's this concept of a "Cancer Warrior" which is also, in my opinion, dripping with bullshit.  Suffering cancer doesn't make you a warrior.  Joe already was.  I think I am, actually.  But you don't *need* to be a warrior.  Just have the courage to take things on as best you can, try and remember to love and be happy wherever you can.  Cancer tries to steal that from you.   Sorry, I think I failed to articulate a point that on reading felt quite important 🙂  Oh well, stupid me.   Congrats Joe, you're a legend, even on days when the cancer shit gets to you more than it should, don't lose sight of that, you're inspiring in your approach.  Good luck, mate. ... View more

Hey, I'm sorry that your cancer is terminal - I just wanted to say a few things about that:   1) I was given six months to live (more than 3 years ago).   Although I had a chance at curative treatment, knowing that your expiry date is looming is a horrible thing to deal with.  I recognise that.   2)  BUT … you're still alive.  Still viable.  We all have to die.  Unless you're Dracula or a comic book superhero, we all die and there's no coming back (that I know of).   But you're not dead yet.  A few houses down from you there's probably a child living a happy, delighted life, untainted by the fear of death .. and yet they are doomed to die tomorrow.  It's tragic, a kick in the guts thing - but it's just how the system works.  It's inescapable and often unfair.   3) Therefore - the real kick in the guts regarding death, impending or unknown, is .. like many things .. the FEAR of it.  I think for the most part people innately fear change - and there isn't much bigger change that dying.  The problem with fear is it contaminates all the GOOD stuff.  The way modern society is reacting to coronavirus is a good example of that .. I think events are largely coloured by our modern obsession with self & drama, and a heavy dose of fear.  I think the paramount thing is to not allow the fear that comes hand-in-hand with cancer and death to rob you of all of the remaining smiles and delight that is available to you. 4) Even though your cancer may be terminal, I think the opposite of fear is hope - and I personally would try to find & hang onto some of that until the last possible moment.  Science, treatment methodologies - it's all in a state of flux.  I've mentioned before a relation who did wind up dying of cancer, but he was in palliative care and had weeks to live.  They randomly offered him a new immunotherapy trial and it extended his life by about 5 years.  Five weeks to five years is pretty good, I reckon.  Anyway, as long as we are still alive, we don't know precisely when we will die.  Even as pain and fear weave themselves into our lives, we still have tools to try and fight back.  Even if we don't completely succeed, even the small wins reward us with some kind of quality of life result.   So yeah, mindset is (just in my opinion) important, you can flag your facebook status as "I'm going to die soon", or you could do it as "I'm not dead yet".  I think the latter is much better. 5) Mate, when you do pass, I'd ask you to consider setting your frame of mind as this:  it's the only true human adventure.  The only true and absolute unknown.  We don't know what's going to happen, and we all get to find out.  No reason to hasten it, that's stupid.  But when it happens, that's the back-handed gift of it .. no matter what faith a person has, nobody truly knows the deal.  Anybody who says they do is lying (to themselves at least).  As equally possible as heaven, hell or nothing, is that you gasp and wake up coming out of the Matrix, surrounded by machines.  I know it's probably shit advice, but if there's any way to transform the posture from anxiety to adventure, it might help with squeezing all available fun, joy and love from the rest of your life.  The anxiety shit tries to steal all that stuff.  It tries to corrupt the life & possible happiness that remains available to you. 6) Now this is just a personal quirk, but if you haven't already, it's worth thinking of any little leave behinds you could do.  For me, I'd want to do funny stuff - record little messages for people I care about that might initially help with their grief, and later make them smile in memory.  A terminal prognosis is a really shit show, no doubt - but it also means that we can prepare ourselves and the people around us a bit .. I'd probably even have a crack at curating my own funeral.  Sing an awful karaoke version of some wildly inappropriate song for them to play while people walk in.  Dunno.  I just think it can be as bad or even worse for the people in our lives, so it's nice to wind them into the equation as much as possible.  It's also a great distraction. But yeah, you're not done yet.  We're connecting here, right ?  You're a viable, important passenger on Spaceship Earth.  Good luck with everything - take my remarks with a grain of salt if any of it is annoying or distressing - but if there's anything in there that is of benefit, take it and run with it, with my blessing. All the best, amigo. ... View more

Ahh mate, what a shit show.  I can't offer any practical advice, just some shared experiences.   I'm about 3.5 years out of treatment for head and neck cancer, Cisplatin and radiation to both sides of the neck.  In the past year and a half I've developed new symptoms that I find disturbing but the doctors kinda trivialise.  They say it's pretty much nothing, and to be expected.   The symptoms are pain and spasm related, and I worry a lot that it's triggered by some new anatomy (eg thyroid tumour - because my thyroid was massively screwed up by the rads).   But I have to put faith in the medical team - their expertise and experience.     I've also experienced choking - but mine is mucus related.  I got really bad mucositis during treatment, and I'm constantly coughing up chunks of phlegm, it's pretty much a daily exercise even now.     One night I had some acid indigestion, and I think a bit of an acid burp partially dissolved a chunk of mucus, which then slipped down and blocked my airway like a kind of malign gluey oyster.  I woke up wheezing, only able to get about 10-20% of my normal amount of air down the pathway.   I gasp, wheeze, stumble, scare the family, and eventually the heavy aspiration  clears the plug, it just kinda pops all at once (being carried down into my stomach I guess)   Since then - some anxiety sleeping, especially on my back (which is how it happened - and incidentally my most comfortable position).  Often I go sleep alone on the couch because the head-rest elevates my noggin.  But yeah, anxiety when lying in certain positions, anxiety about dying in my sleep.   Because I have these problems, and because they feel really impactful on my day to day life, it's easy to let anxiety about cancer recurrence start to nibble around the edges (or come from the periphery outright into the centre of your mind).  I don't want to die.  I have three young kids, if for no other reason I want to be there to look after them.   And I have to trust my doctors.   For me, cancer is as much a mental battle as a physical one.  Yes, the treatment is paramount to saving your life, and there are no guarantees.  BUT .. given that there are so few things within your control, one thing that you can try and take the reins on is your mental health.   I did a pretty good job, I was super strong throughout the treatment and subsequent recovery.  Some nights nowadays, I feel the anxiety come nibbling, like a rat looking for weakness in the pantry wall … but I have to fight it.   I think distraction is a useful tool - take the thing you find most fun or rewarding in your life and dive into it.  For me, as nerdy and pervy as it sounds in equal measure, that's rumpy-pumpy with the wife and burying myself in computer games.   If I find myself tossing and turning at 2 in the morning and I could let my mind run over and over the cancer stuff - I switch the brain off, fire up the computer, go into VR, and explore other galaxies (great game called "No Man's Sky"), or kill some zombies, or build some cities and try not to go bankrupt managing them .. or any other type of games - you get the drift.   I'm a little embarrassed by it .. but I've loved computer games my whole life .. if I ever needed an excuse to dive headfirst into them, I have one now.   I reckon with the anxiety you're experiencing, many would say "professional help"   Who knows, maybe that could help, maybe they could give you strategies you haven't already considered.   (Me, I say fuck that)   It sounds like you're a little bewildered about the magnitude and origin of the anxiety - perhaps because you've kept a solid lid on things up until now.  My advice would be simple:  find that lid and screw it back down.   Some folk might say that's avoidance, I say bullshit - it's compartmentalisation.   You can analyse your anxiety, you can think about death, cancer, any and all topics spiritual and terrestrial ---- but do it when you have a healthy mindset.   Me personally, I think for some of this stuff the best tactic is to wait it out.  Kinda trick it into submission or abatement.  Don't try to figure it out while you're suffering, unless you're in dire need and have thoughts of self harm and other heavy stuff .,. if it's inconsolable and unmanageable, reach out for help right away, concrete, professional help, I guess.  (As well as support from anywhere else it's available)   But .. if it's sleeplessness, anxiety and other stuff muddling around in your mind - my advice is to compartmentalise, try and push that shit out the window for the immediate short term, get a bit of sleep, try and strengthen yourself over a few days, and look at it in the bright light of day when (hopefully) you're feeling a bit better having dealt with a few immediate short-terms (sleepnessness is bloody awful, it's a terrible side effect of anxiety - I reckon a lot of death certificates that read "suicide" could just as easily read "insomnia")   Everyone's wired differently, I guess my comments and advice are as if you are ME, and you're not.  If any of it reads as really craptacular, shout it down.  But yeah, I'd posit that maybe your worry isn't actually cancer, but worry itself.  Sure you may have a physical problem, but in tandem with that, the anxiety is a slippery slope.  If you can do ANYTHING to get in front of it, I'd just urge you to try, mate. ... 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