Yep, I am still in limbo land....thinking of getting a job as a limbo dancer now....
Nothing has changed,and I mean nothing at all....it has not got easier, despite all the words of wisdom from many in the early days.
I still feel like I am having a heart attack every week...some days the pain is so bad I feel it radiate down my arm and into my wrists , to the palms of my hands into my fingers.....some days so bad all I can do is cry and hold my hands under cold water to get the cirulation back....however the doctor is still adamant it is all in my mind....
I still look like crap......and I don't care if I don't try to look half decent....I just can't find a reason to do all the "brush my hair" "find a matching bag for the shoes" "wear a dress instead of the requisite track suit" thing at all......
We are still no closer to resolution of Marks estate, we are still,if not more, invisible at this point of time....to all except the lawyers who are battling Marks business partner so he doesn't scarper off into the sunset and leave us with the liabilities and homeless within the next few months....
I still look out the window and see him walking down the path to go to work at 6am and then at the end of the day 5.30pm I could swear on a bank of bibles I see him walking up the path , stop to pat the dog and chat to him and then walk towards the door to come in for a cool drink.
I still hear him laugh, or scoff with disbelief, if I watch the television shows he loves......
I can still hear him talking to me, I guess I am supposed to feel comfort in this , but, I don't feel anything except that maybe I am finally going out of my mind, that this could be good because soon I wont know who I am or care anymore.
On my birthday I imagined him sitting across from me and with that beautiful look in his eyes telling me how much he loved me....this day was so bad, I numbed myself with alcohol and fell into our bed in a mind numbing drunken stupor clutching his jumper and breathing into it so deeply in hope it would give me the oxygen I lack now he is gone.
And here we are now my lovely friends, just around the corner from Christmas, the time when we would be putting up the tree and getting into the mood for what was THE best time of our lives, work finished for a month very shortly, too much partying, too much eating,too much drinking, too much laughter, too much dancing, too much loving.......
Instead, I will sit here as I do every day....too much missing him...too much crying....too much loneliness...too much dying slowly inside....too much sadness.........too much overwhelming sadness....too tired...too much loss.....
So, back to limbo dancing.
Mrs Nobody
