Despair is my bedfellow forever......

[Jewel_and_Mark]

I am not coping very well, the pain and anguish I feel is unbearable most days, I seem to be swinging between relentless crying, dry retching, to zombie state. I have been to the Doc to get some antidepressants - god knows if it is the right thing I want as they don't seem to work either. The loneliness is overwhelming, I can't believe he has gone, I keep hearing his voice and seeing his face...... I cannot sleep in our bed anymore, it exacerbates the loneliness and if I do sleep , my night is full of nightmares. I feel like my life is a nightmare 24/7 now..... It's is just so not fair what has happened to us, I keep asking why, why , why , why.... We are good people .....why did this despicable disease kill our loves? And kill our future and our dreams? I know I will drive myself crazy asking for the rest of what is left of my life.... why, why, why? I don't want to hear the platitudes anymore... There is no "light at the end of the tunnel".... If someone tells me one more time to "be strong for the children" I'll hit them... I don't want the "ooohhh ahhhh you need grief counseling" etc etc etc....... And then I watch you all go off back to your safe little world and I go back to my broken remnants of an existence, I cannot call it a life because it's not a life......not for me and not for our children. Fuck you cancer. I WANT MY HUSBAND BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! God help me I want him back so bad the pain is no longer in my heart, it is in every pore of my body.

[Jules2]

Jewel I am sending you hugsss n strength and anything else you need. Give the anti d's some time and keep talking to your doc so he can guage correct doseage etc... Well done for going and getting some help. My heart goes out to you. hugss Julie xo

[thaker]

Jewel I have no words of wisdom, no panacea for your pain. The process of grieving is one of the hardest things we have to go through and so it takes time. There is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. Lots of well meaning people will want you to pull yourself together and start moving on with life. You do what you need to do to get through today. Its been coming up to 7 months since I lost my partner in crime and I still can't sleep without a cup of sleepy time tea (yes that's actually what its called) every night. It ensures I dream no dreams. The first few weeks after his passing I was exhausted because I got no rest. I also ground my teeth so hard in my sleep that I chipped a tooth. My dentist then recommended sleepy time tea. I saw a counsellor for about 3-4 months but that did not quite work for me. I still hear him in my head sometimes and I talk to him quite a lot ( no I am not crazy ....its part of how I cope). I guess what I am saying is its ok to take your time. I feel your pain and wish you strength to continue your journey. Be well. Sangeeta

[Versaillon]

Hi Jewel I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I caught a glimpse of it when my husband was diagnosed - I have never felt pain like that in my whole life and he is still with me. To lose him, I can't even comprehend it. You don't want my advice, you don't want my kind words, you just want the pain to stop and for Mark to come back. Everyone deals with grief differently so nothing anyone can say will make it feel better. Just know that we will listen. Jo xxx

[Mrs_Elton]

Dear Jewel, I hear your pain. I wish I could lessen it for you, that isn't possible. Thinking of you, Jill

[deejjay]

Dear Jewel I am sorry to hear of your loss and send you hugs as you are missing your husband terribly. In the support group I attend the leader says that society seems to expect people to get over their loss within a few weeks and people tend to drift away at that point whilst in reality it takes a very very long time. Hugs DJ

[larn75]

why do people think its wrong to feel? Because that is what is happening to you right now. You are FEELING loss, you are FEELING grief, you are FEELING despair. You are FEELING all those FEELINGS that people are suppose to feel when they lose someone they love. Ofcourse you are!!!! You FEEL all this as long as you need to and we will all keep listening as long as it takes for you to FEEL better. You are right, it does FEEL like a physical pain in every pore of your body. Hugs and strength sent your way. Alana

[WishingStar]

Hi Jewel, I along with everyone else wish that I could ease your pain. You have allowed us to follow your very personal journey, and offered hope and strength along the way to others on this site (including myself) when we have needed it. Just letting you know that I am thinking of you at this time. Cyber Hugs, Nicole

[caring_partner]

Dear Jewel. My heart breaks for you. I am not at the stage you are at although realistically I know I probably will be in the future. I cannot say anything that will take away your pain but just send your my love and hugs. Please contiue to keep us updated with your progress and go easy on yourself. Take care Regards Gail xx

[Jewel_and_Mark]

Many thanks to all of you, for reading my ranting and understanding....as I know many of you are experiencing your own levels of conflict and pain too. The circumstances around my story have not improved, I don't expect things will change for some time......I do however, appreciate your caring enough to write your thoughts and wishes. Jewel x