this isnt really a blog ,

im just putting it out there , reading my page you would see in a nutshell i had been Diagnosed with stage one melonoma margins removed and clear.

completely aware there are so much worse diagnosis and worse off people which i feel makes me selfish possibly worrying about what my future may possibly hold ?

but thats why i am writing this as we are all entitled to feel what we we feel and take such news in anyway that comes naturally , i didnt react when i first found out i was just normal  casual as someone would say when i told my husband he broke down in anger yelling (I didnt tell him anything up until i got the biopsy back), i didnt ask my dr any questions just sat there as he removed the further advised margins.

when my husband calmed down he asked me many questions i couldnt answer i felt like i new some but i was in disbelief so i just kept saying i dont know.

we were ok for the first few days just choosing to believe we got it early and i was fine , despite not even having any results back.

my son no idea to aything thats going on thankgod.

it wasnt until before the waiting game took  its toll that i had a nap , and woke to my husband sobbing histerically and thats when it hit me but i held it together at this point and just comforted him and told him everything was going to be ok.

when i was finally alone i let it sink in and float to the surface of my heart and mind ,,,

is this it ?

im going to fail my family ?

im going to ruin my sons childhood ?

potentially defining the rest of his life in such a hurtfull and negative way?

testing my faith ?

spiralling my already exisitng depressions & anxiety ?

i dont want to leave ?

anger ?

fear ?

experinced so much horrible things in my life this was bound to happen?

anger towards myself to contributing immensily to my diagnosis ?

calm down nikki you jumping ahead ?

dont be so selfish people are so much worse off ?

your overreacting ?

 

the list goes on , 

fast foward....

further 5 removed and off to the specialist now 

realising at this point how serious melanoma is and how 1 person dies every 5 hrs.Its a hard pill to swallow but also trying to accept early detection is vital in survival rates and tossing up which category am I do be hopless and think that I am doomed or have faith ive early detected it and have a second chance some lifestyle changes ,check ups and  hope i will be ok   .

such a roller coaster of thoughts.

ongoing skin checks every 6 months for now but looks good  the specialist checked me out and feels thats all the ongoing treatment i need is regular skin checks !

now do i accept this MELANOMA is serious ?

thats some thing im still tossing up between but each day gets easier , easier to get those doomed thoughts out of my head , and trust and accept the most appropriate cause of action has been done.i have my doomed day thoughts espcially because ive been trying to concieve for about a year now (before and after diagnosis)  and its just not happening so i have my little break down moments thinking is there something wrong inside why isnt the extention of my family happening yet ?

it wasnt like this the first time ?

i am young ,something is wrong ?

 

but its ok all in due time everything happens for a reason and you are stronger than you think ive experinced so much horrible things in my life and i can still get on with it and be happy do the best i can for myself and my god willing growing family.

 

I posted this because i really believe a stranger who knows what emotions your going through is supprisingly the easiest person to talk to and REALLY share how your feeling helps,,,

so im here to help and listen.

whatever your diagnosis im sure we can relate just shoot me a message ill help / support anyway that i can no judgement , nothings to small or even big !

- your opinions matter.

- your feelings are important.

- your worries are completely understandable. 

-no your not selfish. 

-no your not weak for being scared or worried.

-yes its ok to be scared.

-yes your concerns are valid.

you are ENTITLED to your own thoughts and feelings !!!

 

sorry if this seems a bit chucked together but i hope this helps someone better yet someone reaches out for support or just a little bit of a talk i will do my best to help , or even just listen everyone can do with and DESERVES to be supported and herd in these situations no matter the feeling,no matter the situation , no matter the stage.

 

god bless everyone and dont be shy to DM i am here !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 Comment
Occasional Contributor

Hi, how are you?  Felt really worried about you as you seem like you are really struggling with the fear of cancer,  you were amazing how you could write it all down. Very impressive.  Lots of thoughts that we all feel but don’t have your courage, so thank you.  

 

Hope you gage have received all the medical information that you need that will give you strength.  Biggest advice........  breathe,    Inhale......exhale........ 10 times.....

 

Please take care, xxxxxxxxxx

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