I'm just so tired.....

[purpleangels]

A rant from a weary mum I write this, tears streaming down my face as I try to get my seven year old to succumb to sleep.....it has been 10 o'clock every night this week....I'm tired and tonight I snapped and yelled and slammed doors. My husband has been pretty much comatose for weeks..... Only gets up to heat up his heat bag or have a cigarette- yes you heard me.....he has cancer and he's still smoking....he's dying and he's still smoking....does my head in!!! Anyway, I sent our four year old off to grandmas as I needed a break from visits from him during the night.......both my children have a habit of nocturnal visits, and now the other one won't go to sleep....... Just go to sleep..... If they don't wake me during the night - which is rare- it is my husband waking me by having a shower at 2 am to relieve pain, using all the hot water so when I have a shower before I go to work, the water is cold.....or he wakes me by falling off the toilet......hitting the tiles...... Cancer sucks!!!! I don't know how much longer I can do this........ I try so hard to be positive but I just want to go to sleep.......... I try so hard to not lose it in front of my children.....failed miserably tonight......... I try so hard to not be angry at my husband.......failed at that too tonight..... The last thing he needs is me yelling at him..... But who else do I yell at??? Just go to sleep please........ I used to love night time, coming home from work, putting my jarmies on.......now I just dread it and it is the worst chore of my entire day.....and it's a chore. Told you it was a rant. Struggling today!!! PA

[loupylass]

Dear PA, I am so sorry you feel so knackered, now you know why sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture! I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to go through this, watching your husband and trying to be everything to everyone. Cut yourself some slack and get some time away from everyone if you can. Can you take a day off of work and go to a friends house just to sleep for the day? Try if you can. I can't give you anything else but a sympathetic ear, but I really hope you manage to get some sleep soon. You have to put yourself first sometimes, and getting angry is only natural. Look after yourself xx J

[Deni_55]

oh PA you have had a hard one. I don't have children but I understand about the night thing. Shower, into the jim jams, read a book, catch up on emails, read, watch a movie. My fella was a night owl and continued to be so. I would wait up till midnight until he was ready for bed as I had to almost drag him in there, then get him undressed. It was so frustrating that I would sometimes yell at him and walk out of the bedroom, then feel bad and go and sit on the bed with him till he was ready to let me get him undressed. Now he gets tired early which I know is not good, but it means I can get him into bed while I am still awake. He usually stays there till abput 3am, then gets up for about 1 hour to have a Yep you guessed it a "puff" as he cals it. It used to drive me crazy that he continued smoking. 5 days in hospital = no cigs. Soon as he was discharged, he was off to the "smoker's corner" as I call it outside the hospital with the other cancer patients. For the sake of peace, and he had tried to quit numerous times, I have let it go. He doesn't need the stress of me going on about the smoking. I feel better and calmer now that I have accepted he will smoke, drink, and eat the wrong foods and refuse good nutrition until he dies. I will always feel he may have had an easier ride and maybe a better outcome if he had allowed cancer to change his life. Nothing will save it, but maybe it could be better. This will be another remorse that I will always carry. I think with cancer, it makes your worlds so much smaller and intense. I hope tomorrow is better for you. Hang in there

[SILLY]

I'm sorry that you are so tired . Maybe there is somewhere you can get help for getting the children to sleep properly and then you would get more sleep. You know that this is vital . Perhaps start with your gp .for advice . The children won't cope well with bad sleep patterns ,nor will you . I have bad sleeping habits so I know this . As for your husband's smoking ,he may think it won't make much difference now . He may feel it gives him comfort.There are medications e.g. Champix which can help to stop smoking but only if the smoker is ready . You do have a difficult time and I wish I could offer more suggestions to help you but I hope your gp can help.

[Shennanigans]

PA I hope you are ok. One of the best things i did as a carer was take an hour or two for my self every once in a while (easier said then done most of the time i know) But id make an appointment to get my hair or my nails done once every 3 weeks and get on here and rabble on because it really helped having people who know what you're going through. My dad was a chain smoker... till the very end and he just never saw a reason to stop when he knew what was coming. I do hope you find some rest and things get a bit easier for you.

[purpleangels]

Thank you lovely people.....while not too much sleeping went on here last night, it made me weep ( in a good way) this morning when I checked my emails at the outpouring of support......man I needed that!!!!! So thank you....and thanks for listening......... This morning my husband told me that he didn't want to live anymore, he can't live when he's not living...... And I agree that he is not living, just existing.........but still so hard to hear that we, his family, are not inspiration enough for him to keep on trying........ It will be four years in October since he was diagnosed.......he is having no active treatment for his cancer. Just management for his pain, and as his organs begin to fail, management to deal with that..... So no hope really, except for spontaneous remission, which I'm still holding out for, I talk to Mary McKillop often about another miracle...... Am I delusional?? Thanks for listening!! I will try and get some sleep over the weekend..... PA

[SILLY]

I can imagine 4 years of dealing with pain have worn your husband down . Pain can cause depression too. It must be difficult to hear that he doesn't want to go on and that you and your children are not enough to help him get rid of this feeling . It's hard on each and every one of you and I am sorry that I can't help you with this . I think that the pain and loss of a normal life is just too overwhelming . I think counselling for you may help you deal with your own feelings about all this . You need to be able to continue coping ,for your own sake and for the children too .

[little_stitcher]

Hi PA, I feel exhausted for you! You're caring for 3 other people at a really difficult time. I agree that you need to take some time out for yourself occasionally. Are you able to organise to have a 'night off'? If you could get other people to look after your children and husband just for 1 night, you'd get so much more than 24 hrs worth of benefit. Good luck with everything. I hope you all manage to get some beautiful sleep this weekend. Be kind to yourself. Emily

[little_stitcher]

Hi PA, I feel exhausted for you! You're caring for 3 other people at a really difficult time. I agree that you need to take some time out for yourself occasionally. Are you able to organise to have a 'night off'? If you could get other people to look after your children and husband just for 1 night, you'd get so much more than 24 hrs worth of benefit. Good luck with everything. I hope you all manage to get some beautiful sleep this weekend. Be kind to yourself. Emily

[maddie86]

you poor thing!! sleep deprivision makes anyone angry! its no wonder your having a hard time... can u send both kids off for a couple of nights to the grandparents just to get a proper rest? i know wen im losing it i have a glass of wine and a nice hot bath and it feels all better.. ur poor hubby.. what do the docs rekon? hugs!!! 😞 xx

[purpleangels]

Hi there! Thankyou for listening! My husband ended up back in hospital tonight, he has lost 6 kg in 2 weeks, and the doctor is concerned with the vomiting and loss of weight. He now weighs 41 kg.........he hates himself, and is struggling......but at least in hospital they'll stabilize his pain and feed him up.......he can't separate himself from his cancer- he can't see that it is the cancer making him think, feel, look this way......just so sad to see him so down.....and unable to help himself....and unable/unwilling to accept help from me or others........ It is an exhausting time for us all......I think we need a holiday!!!! But where do you holiday from cancer/ yourself?? PA

[SILLY]

I'm glad that your husband is in hospital ,only because they can do more to help him there . I hope it takes some pressure off you for a while too . Whilst his weight is so low he must be very unwell . Try to get some extra sleep if you can .