Just needing to talk......

[willow]

Hi I don't know whether I should be writing this or not but as I sit here alone in my house I feel quite desolate. The TV is on but just to break the silence. I should be feeling happy and excited as my daughter and I leave on the 30th April for a three week trip to London and the Greek Islands. So why am I not jumping for joy? Am I ungrateful for this wonderful chance to travel and experience new things? There are people out there who will never have this opportunity. Yet for a couple of weeks I have been increasingly worried about things. I have feelings that make me very uncomfortable such as sadness and fear and again I keep asking why has this happened to me ( very self indulgent I admit) I have decided (I think) to not go back to work - I did for a few weeks but just didn't cope - I was not well enough and I just couldn't fit back in - there were also issues with management not been supportive and making things difficult. I feel right now that my life is empty. I have no job, no friends and my family just want me to get on with things and not talk about my concerns or worries. The cancer is gone as far as they are concerned and that's that. My two children have gone to dinner with their father and uncle tonight - I am not invited. Their father and I do not get along and their uncle has never had anything to do with me. I don't really mind that I am not there but I wish the children (29 and 25) would tell them that I don't need to feel left out right now - couldn't they make an effort to put the past behind them and just be a family for now. I am feeling right now that my life has been taken from me already - that I have no direction or future. I arranged for an old friend to visit on the weekend and he cancelled - I contacted another friend who I knew was on leave from work and suggested we get together - I had no response. I 'had' three good friends and we used to catch up a few times a year with regular emails in between - since the cancer that has stopped. I have had pain in my right shoulder for a few weeks now and it is not getting any better. I have gone to physio and seen my local Dr but have no answers as to what is wrong. I am worried and scared that the cancer has spread to my bones - the cancer was in my right breast. It was not hormone positive so I cannot have anymore treatment. So ....the real reason for this blog.....do I go overseas and then come back and see my oncologist and agree to a bone scan or do I contact him tomorrow and ask for a scan before I leave on the 30th????? I know the decision has to be mine but what do I do when I am terrified that the news will be bad. Now I sit here and cry .....this is happening so much again now .....I feel really bad.......I need someone to hold me and tell me that the cancer has gone and will never come back because I can't stand the sadness and the fear anymore..I should be happy .....I have a trip to prepare for ....so why am I soooooooo low? Reading back on this it is full of complaints. I do have good moments and I do try to make myself think positively. I also put my name down to do some voluntary work but have not heard back from them yet. I just get tired of it being such an effort sometimes. I have been struggling with the organising of relocating my parents close to my home so I could spend more time with them - it has been a difficult few months with lots of problems and also a lot of sad times too. Mum has dementia and is often not at all well and deciding what to do with Dad was hard. But at the moment things seem to be settling into place - the nursing home I found for Mum is not even ten minutes walk from my place and seems to be ok and now Dad is staying there too in low care ( Mum is in high care) I needed to know that they are settled and looked after and that has been achieved. So that is definetely a positive. Anyway, I am rambling now as this is all over the place ...I just wanted to talk tonight and I know you all have felt bad sometimes. I will probably feel better later on - I will go and have some dinner and lose myself in my book. Thank you to all who have read this and good luck with your own personal struggles. Kind regards, Willow. xo

[harker]

Willow There's no "should" about writing. But maybe there is a very practical decision to make - about when to have the test. It I were in your position I would be sitting with my daughter and my counsellor and thinking and talking that through. I know I couldn't do it on my own. And I'd want my travel companion to know how I really felt. Good luck with it. H

[willow]

Thanks Harker for your advice I agree that it would be a good thing to sit with my daughter and talk to her but I know she doesn't want to hear my fears and I don't want to spoil this trip for her. I want this trip to be full of wonderful happy memories. It would be lovely to think that I will look back on this in years to come as one of possibly many trips we have together but just in case ...I want this one to be perfect for her. I would love her to be able to absorb some of what I am feeling right now but knowing her I realise this is not possible. Deep down I think she just wants things to be ok. Thanks again, Willow

[thaker]

Willow Just want to add my 2 cents if I may. This trip is for you too so you have to consider if you can put your concerns at the back of your mind and enjoy the trip (provided there is no risk in delaying the tests). I am not on very much as I am busy trying to run house, having lost hubby to cancer last December but I have read a lot of your posts and I know that you have been the carer for others but have not had anyone really step up to nominate themselves as yours. So for now, til you get that you have to be your own champion. Don't forget that its your trip too. You have said that you want the trip to be perfect for your daughter but I guess I reckon we get close to perfect when everyone gets a bit of what they need. As mothers we tend to sacrifice for everyone else around us but that is not necessarily the best solution to all problems. You are right about feeling bad sometimes. Yes I am or was a carer and not a sufferer but we too have down moments. I finally bought us a house on the weekend (forced to move coz landlord has sold the property we are renting). I was excited on the day but on the very next day I broke down and had a massive cry because this was supposed to be our big city adventure and he's not here to share it. Its not simple is it. We move forwards but not necessarily move on. Hope you are feeling better. Regards Sangeeta

[samex]

Hi Willow, I also agree with Harker but realise how hard it is sometimes to actually sit don with those you love and try to tell them straight how you feel. My immediate family also sees that the cancer is done and dusted and that we just move on. I have had to seek counselling to help me and have started on the anti-ds to help me through this. I was only thinking today that even though I want to do things and not waste time, sometimes I have to really force myself to do it. The melee of emotions, particularly if you have fears, is just overwhelming at times. As a mother I can see how you want this trip to be wonderful for you and your daughter, but maybe sometimes we need to give others some extra credit and if we let them in, then they may be able to help. I hope this doesn't sound too convoluted and then you have had some time to calm and settle your thoughts. Good luck with all of your questions and never feel that you can't write here. Take care, S

[joyhoney]

Dear Willow, having cancer is a big upset in anyone's life. How you deal with it is as unique as each person. From hearing other people's experiences and my own, I think the fear cancer coming back weighs heavily on our mind - even for years and even when we know the outcome is good. I think it's only human that at this point in time you feel low, scared and just want someone to make everything Ok. Perhaps counselling is the way to go. Your trip sounds wonderful, but if your fear of the cancer spreading is so frightening, I don't see the harm in seeing your oncologist and having the necessary tests beforehand, just to ease your mind. Returning to work, getting on with life...it can be a bit daunting after going through cancer treatment, especially if workmates are not so sympathetic. Try not to get too dejected about losing friends or not being able to find volunteer work, the important thing is that you have made the effort, which means you want things to improve. Hope things work out for you. Thinking of you, Joyhoney

[willow]

Thanks Joyhoney I have been seeing a counsellor and she does help but ultimately any decisions we make have to be our own. The people I volunteered with never called back so I will have to look elsewhere now. I don't really want to have any tests because I am not strong enough to deal with the news if it is bad. Thanks for your reply, Willow xo

[willow]

Thanks Samex I have had time to settle and now that it is only a few days till I leave I have been able to keep busy. I have cautiously mentioned to my daughter that I am worried about undertaking this trip feeling as I do and she has let me know that she will be there for me if I don't feel well. I just have to be careful how I word things and be careful not to become emotional in front of family. I just tell them little bits of how I am feeling. If I was honest I would probably lose control because I am basically sitting just on the edge emotionally a lot of the times these days. Thanks for your reply....I hope you are feeling better and that the medication is working for you. Kind regards, Willow xo

[willow]

Hi Sangeeta It must have been extremely difficult for you to have to start again on your own - I hope you are feeling better about the move now and are able to enjoy your new home. I am still very worried about things but as the trip is just this Friday I am going to go away and do everything I can to enjoy it. Thanks for your reply...Kind regards, Willow xo